Re: Timing by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-Oct-06/1:56 AM
Nice write, if you edit this maybe look at making all the line endings strong - there are a couple of weak endings which disrupted the rhythm a little for me.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-Oct-06/1:54 AM
What are the conditions for a renga, other than having 36 stanzas?
Re: a comment on weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-Oct-06/1:53 AM
Definitely go for publication when it's all sufficiently edited. It's shaping up to be a very readable collection. Do you draw/paint, or know an artist of high enough calibre? I think this would work well illustrated.
Re: To My Love by Lola	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-Oct-06/1:50 AM
Sweet and concise, he's very lucky :-)
Re: WITH GOD , NOT THEM (1) by stevopoet	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-Oct-06/1:49 AM
You've got some good ideas in here, but it could do with the rhythm tightening up and some of the lines paring down. 'Thousands nursing fats of them in charge' doesn't make sense to me. Good ending, it brings it back to the opeining quote nicely.
Re: "Twee" by Ranger	Lola 195.229.242.86	11-Oct-06/1:39 AM
Weird but cute.
Re: Dead Inside by drnick	Lola 195.229.242.86	11-Oct-06/1:32 AM
Hmmm... very impressive writing... quite to the point and with adequate imagery. I like the title too.
Re: Timing by Dovina	Lola 195.229.242.86	11-Oct-06/1:25 AM
This is great writing. Looks like you are looking back in time and seeing the positive side of not being married (or something like that). Cool write and good ending.
Re: Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	Dovina 70.38.78.229	10-Oct-06/7:20 PM
I think it's about having blood drawn. Okay, but it'd be stronger to say so. The notebook analogy is good. Then in the cantina I lose the metaphor, but like the thought.
Re: a comment on A Scientist’s Prayer by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	10-Oct-06/4:20 PM
agreed, curios works perfectly as is, in sound and meaning.
Re: Timing by Dovina	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	10-Oct-06/4:15 PM
this is inspiring. i would have liked more sensory detail about the hypothetical life you pictured, but i love the end, it's of a real person, tough and hard and ultimately free. and when the mind is free, the rest is just a matter of time...
Re: a comment on weather poem part 2: to do list by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	10-Oct-06/4:06 PM
i'm not really sure, but further expanding would be a safe bet. then editing. then editing more. lather, rinse, repeat. i may or may not submit for publication whenever (if ever) i'm done.
Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22	nypoet22 65.10.104.91	10-Oct-06/4:04 PM
this was solo, but i would absolutely love if some folks at poemranker would like to join me in constructing a traditional 36 stanza renga. volunteers?
Re: Caveat by MacFrantic	Dovina 70.38.78.229	10-Oct-06/1:43 PM
It's the kind of thing that needs a steady rhythm to carry it. Mostly, you've done that, but Verse 2, for example, might go like this or somesuch: Once every morning And twice before bed I empty the old thoughts from my head Always you'll find me Just pacing my room Wandering and wondering About what you think
Re: Dead Inside by drnick	Dovina 70.38.78.229	10-Oct-06/1:38 PM
Punctuation and grammar detract from a good start. It's really all one sentence.
Re: a comment on Mid-July by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/1:04 PM
*raises glass*
Re: Mid-July by Ranger	INTRANSIT 172.133.177.77	10-Oct-06/1:00 PM
Cheers!
Re: a comment on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/12:58 PM
Jesus juice? Brilliant! Write that in with the phlebotomist and you could confuse me in one fell swoop. I hate needles though, so I'll keep my distance. I couldn't figure out who the 'miserables' are, the inevitable drawing towards Les Miserables distracted me a little. But than, my attention span is nearly in negative numbers.
Re: a comment on Poem from a gurney by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 172.133.177.77	10-Oct-06/12:54 PM
I was gonna go -jesus juice. what a nightmare that would have been. guilt trip? hmmm. have to thunk on that.lose some the(s), sure. Phlebotomist, technically. Thank you.
Re: Dead Inside by drnick	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-Oct-06/12:28 PM
Flows well, and you control it nicely. With a title like this it could easily have gone into a quasi-emo self-pitying mire, but I like the way you've dealt with the content. I can't really think of much else to say that'll be any use, I'm a bit useless at the moment. Struggling to write, myself, right now. No blog entries recently?