| Re: Gilded Lily by drnick |
nypoet22 72.144.83.149 |
12-Oct-06/6:01 PM |
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to have the word "thee" followed shortly thereafter by the word "socio-emotional" shows the inconsistency of language use here. every work has some inconsistencies, but the language and grammar of this one is really all over the place.
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| Re: a comment on Timing by Dovina |
some deleted user 171.69.120.244 |
12-Oct-06/5:58 PM |
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In third world countries, more children = More hands = More Revenue for the family ! Its a vicious cycle !
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| Re: Bitter by Ranger |
nypoet22 72.144.83.149 |
12-Oct-06/5:56 PM |
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absolutely beautiful. things i think could be improved:
no need to title it bitter, that makes me think of beer as much as anna's ghost.
For she left and wandered off would fit the rhythm better without the word me.
With no road back to me should really be the last line. bitterness of the sort described is really such a selfish sentiment, ending on any word other than "me" is practically a crime.
of course, this is all just basically me nitpicking. i love the poem. love it.
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| Re: Retail by Wakeboarder20 |
nypoet22 72.144.83.149 |
12-Oct-06/5:43 PM |
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i like the structure. i agree with ranger about the name.
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| Re: Bitter by Ranger |
Dovina 70.38.78.229 |
12-Oct-06/3:15 PM |
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So hypnotic is its rhythm and form that it must be a form besides free verse. Toward the end of reading it, I need no sense or plot, so carried is it with its own device.
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| Re: a comment on Dead Inside by drnick |
Dovina 70.38.78.229 |
12-Oct-06/2:58 PM |
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Yes, I fully understand your desire not to talk to females anymore. We are so emotional and unreasonable all the time! Why, if you should try a little kidding on a woman, she's never a good sport about it, but always takes it in some sensitive way you never intended.
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| Re: a comment on Love Trail by D. $ Fontera |
D. $ Fontera 129.82.152.185 |
12-Oct-06/2:30 PM |
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Good point, just a couple changes and...there, perfect.
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| Re: a comment on Love Trail by D. $ Fontera |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/2:06 PM |
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You've gone through the entire piece without inversions, why start near the end? You could use 'Love'll see' instead, a reference back to the first line of that stanza. Or there are a million other options which don't require twisting the word order.
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| Re: Gilded Lily by drnick |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/2:01 PM |
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I'm not sure where you're going with this. You're rid of do/does except for line 6 - I can't see a reason for it. It feels pseudo-archaic, is that the intention? I love the title, and also the repetition of 'forgive', it's kind of a sarcastic petition to a lord/lady/deity. Just the language feels uncertain.
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| Re: I've thought a lot by MacFrantic |
leonxic 129.7.120.229 |
12-Oct-06/1:36 PM |
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Now I can die enlightened.
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| Re: love by *.*ReAdY To SnAp.*. |
leonxic 129.7.120.229 |
12-Oct-06/1:32 PM |
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Isn't "sucks" some sort of description. I'm sure you could elaborate. Until then,
this poem sucks
no way describe it
(Other than that it sucks, of course)
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| Re: a comment on Love Trail by D. $ Fontera |
D. $ Fontera 129.82.152.29 |
12-Oct-06/1:12 PM |
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Love will we/ we will love
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| Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/10:49 AM |
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| Re: People vs Corps. by Jack Diamond |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/10:48 AM |
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Like the play of words in the title - corps/corpse. Could turn this into a zombie poem if you tried, still carrying the same message. Typo throughout - "ones" ("'" for possessive or compounding). I think there should be a comma in line 21 between 'me' and 'I'm'. 'Buy at Target'? Is there a pun there that I'm missing? Decent write though.
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| Re: The Mandarin by Caducus |
Jack Diamond 71.103.83.39 |
12-Oct-06/9:58 AM |
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This gives me an image of a person still trying to grasp the concept of caring for another person, but still arrogant as fuck.
There are still many people like that out wondering
how things went wrong, and why.
Good sense of how the modern man is still confused about real principals.
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| Re: Wind By Any Other Name by Edna Sweetlove |
INTRANSIT 152.163.100.65 |
12-Oct-06/7:34 AM |
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| Re: The Mandarin by Caducus |
INTRANSIT 152.163.100.65 |
12-Oct-06/7:24 AM |
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Line one delete- to me and insert 2 dashes
same for line four (I wrote her) can go for two dashes.
Drop (noticing), drop laid,drop yet,drop and.
There's still something missing from the parts dealing with your father. Can't pinpoint it yet. Good to see you still plugging away. Fuckin' rough aint it?
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22 |
nypoet22 72.144.83.149 |
12-Oct-06/3:58 AM |
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| Re: a comment on Emotionally Unavailable by horus8 |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/1:35 AM |
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Pretentious? What the fuck? What's it pretending to be?
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| Re: a comment on weather poem part 3: the hurricane (renga) by nypoet22 |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
12-Oct-06/1:30 AM |
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Nests are wickerwork
fences ringing fallow fields
The surface unturned
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