Re: Pump the Guns by oddgreenout	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Oct-06/3:55 AM
Nice idea, could do with a little more punctuation. Line one - 'then'?
Re: weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Oct-06/3:53 AM
Yes, nice. I like the opening stanza, although I think Dovina might have a point about getting a bit prosaic from 'Chills run you through...' to 'bathroom mirror'. After all, you start with the trademark 'Everyone mentions the weather', which has a really smooth beat to it - ONE-two-three ONE-two-three ONE-two (with the final 'two' being slightly more emphasised than the previous twos), so to lose/abandon that musical quality seems a shame, especially in a longer piece like this. Not that you have to stick to that rhythm for the entire piece, of course, but you know what I mean. No complaints with the content; I was intrigued to see 'a day deconstructed' (nice line, by the way) as I'm currently destroying my soul trying to write a poem inspired by/for Derrida. However...given the first stanza (and the title of 'wolf journal'...and the fact I'm something of a Tolkien freak) I kind of hoped this would have a little more fantastical imagery. Maybe an alternative version could run that way?
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Oct-06/3:42 AM
Indeed I did think it'd go down well with you. I had to post something (I am killing myself over two other poems which resist all attempts to be written). I'll look at the edit for that line, although it'll mean playing with the iambs - but hell, if it works... I actually love titles almost as much as the poetry itself; this one was just for the drafting so it's bound to change in the future.
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Oct-06/3:37 AM
Thank you :-) Good points - I didn't see that the title would be read that way, but I'll think of an alternative. The repeated line in stanza one is still troublesome, you're right - I probably will remove the 'me' (it was an early experiment with internal rhymes which I didn't continue). I really agonised over which line to put at the end...I'm still torn, but you might sway me enough to change them round. Thank you again for the ideas, and the praise :-D
Re: a comment on Bitter by Ranger	Ranger 62.252.32.15	13-Oct-06/3:34 AM
Thanks, I don't know if the form has its own name. If not, it can be the Nightingalean ode, or folksong, or somewhat. I'm going to play around with the rhythm a bit; it still seems abrupt to me. Then again, I read things indecently quickly. Bad habits that I haven't got rid of. Glad you liked it :-)
Re: a comment on weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/8:47 PM
the first stanza is really a prologue, its own poem apart from the rest. i just didn't feel like waiting another three days to post it. about the wordy part, could you pinpoint where you lost interest?
Re: weather poem part 1: the wolf journal by nypoet22	Dovina 70.38.78.229	12-Oct-06/7:58 PM
The 3-line verse,(verse 4?) would make a stronger beginning, preceending the beginning/end philosophy, I think. Then in the middle it gets a bit wordy, but comes back near the end to the wolf and a surprise ending.
Re: Bitter by Ranger	drnick 24.176.22.254	12-Oct-06/7:57 PM
Yes! You know I love this one, how could I not? I agree that your title could be better, but it's just a title. I also agree with nyp on the first stanza, but I would change it to: For she left me and (she/then) wandered off While I sat there in despair For she left me and (she/then) wandered off And never told me where And, again, agreeing with nyp (guy is giving some tastey advice), the last line should be "With no road back to me". Other than that I like every fucking letter of this poem. nice!
Re: a comment on Gilded Lily by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	12-Oct-06/7:44 PM
I was under the presumption that one, when writing poetry, has some slack when it comes to grammer and such...but I suppose I was a little pretentious in this case. Haha, it seems like the grammer really bothered you...i hope you can forgive me!
Re: a comment on Gilded Lily by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	12-Oct-06/7:39 PM
That's because there was no reason other that to eliminate them were I thought they'd interfere with the rhythem. Not completely intentional, I was going for the servant speaking to his master psuedo-dialect...which I didn't think would be a huge problem, but(!) apparently it is not working out here. Hmm, I'm not sure I could fix this without completely scrapping it...I dunno, we'll see. I mean I do have so much free time ;]
Re: a comment on Dead Inside by drnick	drnick 24.176.22.254	12-Oct-06/7:33 PM
haha, okay...you got me.
Re: a comment on The Mandarin by Caducus	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:52 PM
maybe just end line one on home, because home is where the scene is set.
Re: The Mandarin by Caducus	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:49 PM
very nice imagery. one grammar issue though. unless there's some other reason for line 3 being the way it is, i think "It lay next to the ring I had given her," would make much more sense. The following link explains why: http://www.bartleby.com/64/C003/0192.html
Re: a comment on lNoOvTe by fiefofum	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:29 PM
please spell definitely correctly. cute poem though.
Re: jo jo by oddgreenout	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:27 PM
who?
Re: Wind By Any Other Name by Edna Sweetlove	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:26 PM
there's always a market for flatulence.
Re: October by A_Dark_Calm	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:24 PM
what's with not saying the name? otherwise lovely.
Re: Soy Flat White with One by helenwales	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:22 PM
minor grammar correction: _an_ acrid smell. otherwise, i like it.
Re: My Culture (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:19 PM
the repetition doesn't really work for me here. when i read only the parts in each verse that come before "welcome to my culture," i like the poem a whole lot better. repetition of that sort is supposed to build you into a rhythm of some sort, and i think those parts are more of a disruption than anything else. i wish i could be more specific about what about those lines bugs me, but right now all i can say is that they make my brain itch.
Re: Love Trail by D. $ Fontera	nypoet22 72.144.83.149	12-Oct-06/6:02 PM
awwwww. this belongs on a hallmark card.