Re: Teddy Bear by lexxie100	ALChemy 71.68.46.177	27-Jun-07/9:02 PM
You're doin' alright kid. Start reading alot of the classics; Emily Dickenson, Shakespeare etc. and then try to write something in their style. Read poetry basics books. Ones that touch on meter, alliterations, metaphor and such. Don't compromise your sentences just to get a rhyme; ie. "But with joy I still swelled". This is an inverted sentence and is usually a literary no-no. Ask yourself "Would I talk like that in real life?" Don't be discouraged by critics. We all start at the bottom.
Re: Ladies by MacFrantic	Skamper 202.6.132.32	27-Jun-07/4:49 PM
Lyrics? Has a sing-song feel to it
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Skamper 202.6.132.32	27-Jun-07/4:47 PM
Great! now we have it in writing :)
Re: timebomb by lmp	Skamper 202.6.132.32	27-Jun-07/4:29 PM
quite a twister - I would have thought it's the truth that doesn't hurt until the lies are out there...
Re: My Isolation by clarke1975	Skamper 202.6.132.32	27-Jun-07/4:22 PM
For a lyric in this day and age it fits what else is out there. Not bad, but if you write lyrics often you are going to have to be more creative.
Re: A Flower for Monet by Shuushin	Christof 62.121.23.56	27-Jun-07/6:29 AM
I commented before but never voted - here you go. I think end slightly lets it down, too limpid, too unearned, but the piece reads beautifully. Is the 'orange sun' over the Seine in the second stanza a reference to a Monet painting - is that the connection?
Re: Kittens and Pocket Money by Shuushin	Christof 62.121.23.56	27-Jun-07/6:17 AM
For once I can agree with Rockmage. It's probably what everyone on this site, in fact everyone everywhere, really wants and you have put it beautifully.
Re: (Title pending) by INTRANSIT	Christof 62.121.23.56	27-Jun-07/6:00 AM
Hi - good to see you again! Like this a lot. 'Cochlea' is a strangely anatomical word to use, it makes me feel almost queasy, and I think that's good - shows just how far those women burrow into us, even though we'd like to pretend they don't. A good tension between that and the last stanza. Nice one.
Re: Immigrant by Christof	INTRANSIT 204.110.228.254	27-Jun-07/5:44 AM
HAHAHAHAHA! CHRISTOF! OUTSTANDING! Good to see you again !!
Re: Field Work by Christof	some deleted user 64.140.228.96	26-Jun-07/6:12 PM
Very good--first class imagery--I absolutely love "a noontime bored stupid by heat."
Re: Foie Gras by Christof	some deleted user 64.140.228.96	26-Jun-07/6:04 PM
A fine write--paints an excellent picture of a Scrooge like character.
Re: Kittens and Pocket Money by Shuushin	lmp 141.154.134.3	26-Jun-07/5:05 PM
i can picture a certain droll, intelligent character on a certain TV show speaking this. it also resonates, i think, with many, if not all, people. nicely done.
Re: Win, Win, Lose, Lose by Dovina	lmp 141.154.134.3	26-Jun-07/2:21 PM
i do like the message, some of the similies are quite nice: "top heavy with old", "stubbornly foreign". the last stanza starts to lose some of the momentum, (maybe that's the point?), so the ending does fall a little flat. however, i like the topic and the first stanza a lot, the second stanza is pretty good. a few tweaks and i think you'll have it.
Re: a comment on grim task by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	26-Jun-07/1:36 PM
eh, i apologize that i am not much up on classic literature, so i cannot drop names of authors nor converse intelligently upon their styles or works. however, i do take pity on your gardener (you?), working with all that silt and clay. supposedly very fertile though. live on an alluvial wash, eh?
Re: a comment on essence of a thought by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	26-Jun-07/1:27 PM
heh. i am glad that the rhyme scheme is so unsettling; that means it did what i wanted. glad you liked this piece, and many thanks for the comments.
Re: a comment on essence of a thought by lmp	lmp 141.154.134.3	26-Jun-07/1:26 PM
wow. i am glad you liked this one; from your own writings that i have read i would not have guessed this would appeal to you. many thanks for understanding and relating.
Re: Why Do We Stay? by nypoet22	Skamper 202.6.130.164	25-Jun-07/5:12 PM
I like the movement of this poem and there's no arguing with the logic, the idea or the squirming way of attempting to justify to the youth what the hell we are all playing at - but Alex seems to get very smart, his final words are more what an adult making a speech would say - rather than the natural conclusion from a 7th grader...do you know what I mean? I do like the whole thing, it's just something kinda contrived maybe, about the last part...
Re: a comment on The Old Soldier by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.130.1	25-Jun-07/4:48 PM
You really should get your colon checked...You have a serious anal fixation, from buggery to birth...wish I was smarter then I would know what ails ya...
Re: An Honest Transaction by Christof	Skamper 202.6.130.1	25-Jun-07/4:45 PM
At first read I thought this was set in a Catholic Church...then a pub..but really it doesn't matter it's the lack of conviction in the character that holds the sting...Nice work.
Re: a comment on You Don't Not Know No Shit by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.130.1	25-Jun-07/4:41 PM
yeah, the whole buy-me-some-rebellion and sell-me-a-cause shits me to tears...