timtonio
on DIDN'T I SAY by massangel62
6 Aug 2004, 6:33 PM
"just open up your heart
open your eyes and you will see"
Because open was already used on that first line.. It may look better if you used another word for open..in the first sentence..like unlock? on the second line or used it in a series for instance
Open up your heart
Open up your eyes
Close down your ... etc...
also.. you don't need to write "I meant it, (and)seriously"
I meant it and seriously basically mean the same thing in this poem..
I don't know.. It was pretty straightforward. I'm sure this was the intention and it did well in that respect..However it lacks in creativity..
I have no idea...not a rewrite that I am aware of. I wrote this poem about a year ago, and this is the first time posting it anywhere on the internet.
Why not put your reply under the comment you're replying to, like this. I fail to see a mature person saying "All of our days we vie to be one of the elitist few."
yeah it does a bit
In other words "I ain't never gonna leave..well at least till I up and die." was more of a dream. The 3rd stanza was meant to sound more mature, and well written as if written by a more educated person that moved away and found a life. I prefer not to spoil it too much feel free to read farther into it though :)
Yes, it was meant to be out of place. :)
It was meant to be one "eye". The title represents what I am missing in this world because of loneliness and boredom.
inimate? intimate? inmate? uh-oh.
might I ask how you became so well versed in, erm, verse?
Massangel,
I don't know what to say about this, your poems remind me of another time, not a bad time, but another time.
I think people aren't getting you and are judging your work by a different kind of perspective, I get what you are doing and I appreciate it.
Is this about you getting published or about you sharing your experiences, because if it's the latter, it's nice work, it's not always about being modern and technical, sometimes it is just about sharing, and that can be nice :)
I hope I didn't sound patronizing, I'm sincere.
Cat
Something about this just reminds of a Doobie Brothers' song (I think it's obvious which one).
I love the subject and the language, but the 3rd staza seems out of place amongst those same elements.
Ah, to be young again, or old again, still lying on the beach. Not bad.
The second verse seems to have everyone vexed. Rewrite in progress.
1) âsimplestâ yes, thanks.
3) Could change to ânone of it sounds true,â
4) The fear is mine, not his, and I should make that clear. Thanks.
I hate the ending when a solid piece of intuition or emotional understanding so sputters my words that he turns away. But I do need to say it more understandably. Thanks.
Is this a rewrite? It is evocative (because I can never spell reminiscent without a spell checker) of a poem I thought I remember seeing posted here before this. However, I enjoyed this one more than the last. It has an "uplift" at the end.
I don't like *trippy* and the first two lines of the last stanza go pimply try to change the why/fly.
The rest, unlike me, is ace.
Something about this is...