Jeremi B. Handrinos
replying on The Serpent People by horus8
26 Aug 2004, 11:48 PM
My poetry is a precious thing Doug; One can not just throw in a big blue viagra and hope for the best (like with your limp verse) One must prune it with love and care, Doug. But I'm sure you've already gathered that, haven't you, NIGGER.
thanks :)
yayayayayayayyaya
blahblahblahblahblah
I've heard that before...
the flow/rhythm of this is lacking. the idea--I think I get what you're saying, but it takes inspection. The telling and showing seem to be confused--the telling superfluous, except tha the showing is hard to understand--but even then the telling doesn't help as much as it could. I'd say work more on visualizing what's going on--try to think a little less.
Early this summer, in the southwest of Ireland, rains did not fall in their usual abundance and the Catholic farmers prayed for rain or asked their priests to. This was unrelated to the potato famine except in the ageless dependence on rain, enough rain, not too much rain, of farmers who do not irrigate and have traditionally trusted their gods and priests.
Why are the Irish peasants praying for rain? Are you talking about a fictional drought which is totally unrelated to the potato famine? Nice one.
I'm staring at stars and stairing up to pluck them, a pretty sight in my blindness. But my heart is healed by a hill on the land, so all is cool. ????
nentwined
on Swimming in Space & Fishing for the Luridness Monster by SupremeDreamer
26 Aug 2004, 1:16 PM
too much cliche, even if it does contain some of my favorite words.
I carry my possession that you possess to church every day? I think this is supposed to be a semi-riddle on knowledge, but I do not see how to put all the pieces together.
"stairring" is something I'd never contemplated before.
I really have _no idea_ how to read this. The words seem to strive for an entire lack of coherence.
Upon reconsideration, I think this is the sort of poem that if read aloud by a spirited personality would carry an amusing and important message. Some poems are just made to be performed and some poets write for the stage. Cheers.
Please ignore zodiac. You have some errors, but punctuation would cure a lot of them. You have something to say here, but it's too verbose and not well organized. Don't give up.
You seem walking in circles within a supposed enemy which is simply the way of things.
The most likely cause of the potato famine of the 1840's was overcrowding. The farms had been divided into such small sizes that the poor farmers planted closer and closer just to get enough money to survive, making their crops more susceptible to disease. Then when the blight came in the 1840's, aggravated by a spell of bad weather, or vice versa, the result was a million people dead of starvation and another 1.5 million leaving for the US and elsewhere. How is this relevant to my poem?
Time is not our curse, nature transcient cannot be placed @ THE FEET OF TIME , to choose to make an enemy of time is not to understand that without time even our our existence becomes a nullity, a void we cannot reckon with.
In life unend we have in a way subvert the conspiracy of time, even when you mean to say death, this is why "in the ending" a "beginning" can and would be.
Time is not our curse, nature transcient cannot be placed @ THE FEET OF TIME , to choose to make an enemy of time is not to understand that without time even our our existence becomes a nullity, a void we cannot reckon with.
In life unend we have in a way subvert the conspiracy of time, even when you mean to say death.
Christof
on Beached (Or how I learned to give up the day) by Jeremi B. Handrinos
26 Aug 2004, 7:36 AM
Apart from the last two lines, which I don't like because they seem over-sentimental and Romantic, this is ace. teh first stanza could be a poem by itself.
I admire the spirit behind this but the expression is too simplistic and cliched to really make me feel the force of the poem. This states a case rather than creating an imaginative response to inequality; perhaps you could try creating a character or a voice that expresses what you mena without resorting to bald declarations?
Christof
on Swimming in Space & Fishing for the Luridness Monster by SupremeDreamer
26 Aug 2004, 7:30 AM
I'm sorry, I know a lot of peole think really highly of your stuff but I find this verbose, navel-gazing, self-regarding and, worst of all, unmusical and unrhythmic. This sounds like prose and rather than expressing your 'insanity' merely goes through the motions of explaining it; the ultimate effect is extremely unconvincing.