horus8
replying on Edges by Blue Magpie
6 Sep 2004, 12:00 PM
This is easilly the wisest thing you've ever tooted.
God...Long, boring and crammed full of angel cocca.
'moments of pregnant opportunity/back into reality,/ seeding it with new possibility' Is juvenile. The words are clearly there to force rhyme. Noeone going for precision would possibly pick such vague words as reality, possibility and opportunity. It is just too trite, you are trying to make huge generalisation out of nothing.
Romp is also a clear forced rhyme for swamp.
'and death was born,/ while pain and love/ were only shadows in the dawn.' tries to be TS Eliot but sounds more like fred elliot. Again imprecise and hence meaningless.
'of those who have no goals,/and pay each day anew the cost,/ for this and senseless dreams.' again vague sweeping generalisations. This pattern seem to repeat itself through your poem like a rhyme.
Thank you Dan. Very much.
Renee Blue Eyes, The first letters in each line. I believe that makes it acrostic. The first two lines signify her beauty, and my attraction to it. And Snow White pales in Renee's mirror. You know, mirror mirror on the wall...
Didn't get lost but shorter might be better.
Well thought-out and competently written. -8-
Good poem about your feelings toward Renee. Last verse really says it.
Renee Blue Eyes. It's simple yet i fell that the words used were adequate in this instance. I think i particularly liked the first two and the last two lines. Well written, an acrostic that evokes emotion. But next time round, maybe you would like to stress upon certain lines. Good Work, an 8 over 10. And i did another one, review if you have the time.
You are an indescribably colossal boob.
It's a matter of preference, more than of quality. Follow through is taking an idea along with a poem as the poem progresses and working the idea into something else or something better or even something wrong. Take Dan Garcia-Blackâs recent posting, for example. It lacks the rhythm and prose of yours, but it follows through.
The meaning-prose trade-off is difficult. If we are too vague in image and metaphor, meaning is lost to readers who donât get it; if too direct, we are accused of simplistic babble. This poem is close to a good balance, but too far to the prose side for my preference.
Itâs a good poem.
But why do you bring spirituality into it all? It nearly always just confuses things. If you really do agree with me, then you will be of the opinion that human behaviour can be accounted for without reference to mysterious 'spiritual forces'.
How is this an acrostic? What do the first two lines mean? How does Snow White pale in one mirror more than in any mirror?
The last verse is nice.
âsheâ in the last line is ambiguous. It could mean either the daughter or the mother. If it means the daughter than the line is trite. If it means the mother than the daughter knows the mother knows. âcreep into the uterusâ doesnât quite work with the next line: âAnd talk about love, and cry.â I often give an 8 or below when I donât understand a poem. This one deserves a 2.
Dear NLD,
It is very nice to see something positive being said. As a poem however this lacks that something extra in language usage to really raise it above prose. Also things like we were standing.... when suddenly you appeared, as there are really only the two of you in this story one is left wondering who the first we applies to if 'you' were not there, or how you could have been there and then appeared. All told I think you have a core here but you need to work on it some. Cut, prune and shape it a bit.
Sliver,
Thanks for stopping by, and for enjoying thepoem, it is not finished, I am working on another stanza now relating to belief.
Dear Dovina,
Thank you for your kind words. However the criticism is a bit vague, could you possibly tell me exactly where you think I have sacrificed meaning for prose. The same goes for the comment on follow-through for rhythm, but I also have difficulty knowing what you mean by follow-through, previous to this I have only heard the term used in sports training, tennis etc.
Is this about Daniel, who went into the lion's cage but lived?