| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
Director's Cut (Free verse) by New Life Drug The shooting stars must have helped last night
For once in my life something finally went right
And tonight I felt the feeling of you talking in my ear
We were standing on the wall when you suddenly appeared
I was so nervous I was shaking
Then you sat right next to me
And it all went away
Our jeans and legs in a line
Our heads moving in perfect time
As the music played on
I couldn't help but look at you
You've got a smile that stops me in my tracks
When your eyes follow me away I want to walk right back
So keep me coming back
I feel a sudden streak of good luck
I feel the change, it's like everything's aligned
This weekend seemed to go so perfect
It all started at the movie
I recognized your face
And you waved with intentions
Of talking to me
next time we'd meet
And sure enough like a deleted scene
The best part of our story
ended up on the screen
Dreams don't come true, not normally
But they always seem to for me and you
I suppose good things come to those who wait
And I've finally had my day
I hope this feeling never goes away
Up the ladder:
Blobby Food**
Down the ladder:
Coffee with Kay
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: September 6, 2004 12:25 AM PDT; Last modified: September 6, 2004 12:25 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 8120 Comments:
239 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
It is very nice to see something positive being said. As a poem however this lacks that something extra in language usage to really raise it above prose. Also things like we were standing.... when suddenly you appeared, as there are really only the two of you in this story one is left wondering who the first we applies to if 'you' were not there, or how you could have been there and then appeared. All told I think you have a core here but you need to work on it some. Cut, prune and shape it a bit.
The best part of our story
ended up on the screen",
NLD is painting with words, poetry. True it could be better but not by much. I mean the starting out with a ryhme scheme and then doing away with it utterly until the end was a little jutting at first but it was better for his narration of the thoughts and feeling being displayed.