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Director's Cut (Free verse) by New Life Drug
The shooting stars must have helped last night For once in my life something finally went right And tonight I felt the feeling of you talking in my ear We were standing on the wall when you suddenly appeared I was so nervous I was shaking Then you sat right next to me And it all went away Our jeans and legs in a line Our heads moving in perfect time As the music played on I couldn't help but look at you You've got a smile that stops me in my tracks When your eyes follow me away I want to walk right back So keep me coming back I feel a sudden streak of good luck I feel the change, it's like everything's aligned This weekend seemed to go so perfect It all started at the movie I recognized your face And you waved with intentions Of talking to me next time we'd meet And sure enough like a deleted scene The best part of our story ended up on the screen Dreams don't come true, not normally But they always seem to for me and you I suppose good things come to those who wait And I've finally had my day I hope this feeling never goes away

Up the ladder: oscapter virulii
Down the ladder: DISTRUST OF LOVE

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Weighted score: 5.0
Overall Rank: 8075
Posted: September 6, 2004 12:25 AM PDT; Last modified: September 6, 2004 12:25 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Blue Magpie @ 212.205.251.30 | 6-Sep-04/7:37 AM | Reply
Dear NLD,
It is very nice to see something positive being said. As a poem however this lacks that something extra in language usage to really raise it above prose. Also things like we were standing.... when suddenly you appeared, as there are really only the two of you in this story one is left wondering who the first we applies to if 'you' were not there, or how you could have been there and then appeared. All told I think you have a core here but you need to work on it some. Cut, prune and shape it a bit.
[10] thepinkbunnyofdoom @ 66.213.67.10 > Blue Magpie | 7-Sep-04/9:42 AM | Reply
Okay your missing several small details, "a smile that stops me in my tracks", "And sure enough like a deleted scene
The best part of our story
ended up on the screen",

NLD is painting with words, poetry. True it could be better but not by much. I mean the starting out with a ryhme scheme and then doing away with it utterly until the end was a little jutting at first but it was better for his narration of the thoughts and feeling being displayed.
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