-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on Bleed ,Rip and Tear by NoSage
15 Feb 2005, 2:06 AM
In Gethsemane, Jesu asked of the Lord (Matthew 26: 39) "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Clearly Jesu thought, on the off chance, that the Lord (who was also Jesu) may have known of a different, less grotesque method of cleansing us of our sins, and was only sending Jesu to His death more or less on a whim. Alas this was not so, but does it not portray the Bearded Carpenter during a momentary lapse into lukewarmedness? Good Christ I hope not.
You seemed to be chasing your tail for a bit, But really quite well written. Me likey
"Dancing with the (INSERT CLICHE)
Cliche, cliche, cliche
What rhymes with RAIN?
Cliche, cliche, Candy Cane
Cliche, cliche, vomit stain
dancing with the....ooops, I'm passing out from boredom....
The rhymes are simple but they don't stray from the topic or twist the syntax. Each set of two-lines connect. Nowhere does a rhyme create a sore-thumb of a section or an unbefitting line-ending. Obviousness doesn't make a rhyme forced.
How is one supposed to make any real progress if they never put themselves out there and try to experiment, once in a while? This is not necessarily a finished piece....furthermore, if you actually knew anything about HTML then you would find it amusing. I actually wrote this for a friend of mine who is an English major, and knows how to write code, and he loved it. The code puts is intended to put it into a sort of geeky, cyberspace context. I'm not saying its a work of genius, but I am DEFINITELY trying to do something original. I will NOT just "write the poem," thank you very much. All poetry sounds too similar...and I am trying something new.
some spelling and punctuation errors, but overall, pretty good. Worth an edit.
That's good, because most likely, that's exactly who he's going to be. ;0)
Too much obviously forced rhyme.
Way overwritten. You could say this in half the words and make it much better. It is overly..um...mushy, but theres some to salvage here. Just cut it in half.
Yours are always interesting. I'll give you that.
I'm sorry, but this is just irritating to try to read. I can appreciate you're trying to be original here, but this sort of thing just makes it bad. Just stick to the basics and write the poem.
"Her cough sounds like mornings": great.
Good observations here. I actually enjoyed it.
Nice little list of things to never do. I wrote a similar one a while back called "32 Truths and 1 Lie". Some good advice here, but what if you HAVE to stay in one place longer than one hour? Sorry, just giving a hard time. Not too bad.
i know you all tire of reading overly mushy poems but its valentines day so i thought if there was any day for this poem it was today.
Here's what I hope is the final edit. Thanks for your kind words. And now, I open a beer, another Monday evening.
I'm glad I'm not your woman. I'd hate to be gushed over like this.
Forced rhymes: sneese-please, three-be
Second to last verse is very nice.
window sill
Stop scaring me
wherever
Get a title and go with it - not bad.
Funny!