Free verse № 120103
a study in blossoms and beauty
A flower, celebrated amongst the beauty of nature
Its delicate stem and vibrant petals
Painted in lush tones of fire and plum
Reach to the sun to welcome the coming day
Its fragile body dances in soft breezes
Oblivious to the world around it
So simple, so pure, so beautiful
A flower, truly a sight to behold
To compare you, my beloved, to a flower?
Ludicrous. An understatement in every sense of the word
Does one compare a mountain to an ant hill?
Are the ponds and streams even mentioned with the ocean?
Then why my love compare you to a flower?
If a season of growth can spawn such beauty
If it takes only months to create such acclaim
Then how much more inconceivable is my precious?
Aged now 19 years and with the beauty of a thousand seasons
To compare my beloved to a flower? An outrage.
Burnt orange turns to crippled brown
The brightest crimsons shrivel and fade
The cold of winter, the sting of ice
And a flower is nothing more than rusted earth.
When cold winds whistle and trees turn bare
You, my darling, still stand with all your splendor
The cold air kissing your cheeks, adding a hint of sapphire
Your eyes, always warm, strengthen to heat the room
Your lips every bit as delicate as the warmer days before
A petalâs beauty is only surface deep
And any passerby can revel in all its beauty
But you, my love, my sweet, only open up to me
And it is there, inside, where your true beauty is revealed
The roseâs sweet scent canât match the sweetness of your heart
And the brightest lily is dull beside your soul
To compare my beloved to a flower? Unthinkable.
10 comments
Brought a smile to my face, but the
rest bored me stupid.
1) Change the title. If you absolutely refuse to change it, at least capitalize it.
2) "amongst" is misused. If you have to use it, change "beauty" to "beauties"
3) By the time you get to "Reach to the sun" I've already forgotten what the subject of this sentence is. Of course, I know the subject of "reach" is really stem and petals, so what the hell happened to the flower? What you have is essetially equivalent to the following flummox:
A dog, named for some reason Frugal, its nose and tongue, red and wet, touch snuffingly on its own ass, etc etc etc. If you can't see why this sentence isn't poetry, there's no help for you.
5) None of this, from the obliviously dancing flower to the reaching to welcome the sun is AT ALL original. In fact, it's all been expressed about a million times before in almost exactly the same words, only better punctuated. In fact, writing about flowers is simply a bad idea.
6) "understatement in every sense of the word" is preposterous. How many senses does "understatement" have. I can think of two at least, which is probably more than you can think of.
7) The rhetorical "Does one compare a mountain to an ant hill" parts have to go. For one thing: Yes, one does. A mountain is bigger, and generally less anty.
8) Spawn is misused.
9) Congratulations on using the word "crippled". I know that's not a criticism.
10) Why don't you punctuate a little? Break it up some?
11) I still haven't found a non-overused image besides crippled, and I'm almost done.
12) In short,
Q: How many Shakespearey type poems have you read?
Q2: Do you like them?
Q3: What's your favorite pre-1800 poem? Mine's the part in the Miller's Tale that goes
Derk was the nyght as pich, or as a cole,
And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
And Absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
Ful savorly, er he were war of this.
Abak he stirte, and thoughte it was amys,
For wel he wiste a womman hath no berd.
He felte a thyng al rough and long yherd,
And seyde, "Fy! allas! what have I do?"
"Tehee!" quod she, and clapte the wyndow to,
And Absolon gooth forth a sory pas.
"A berd! a berd!" quod hende Nicholas,
"By Goddes corpus, this goth faire and weel."
A mountain could be less Aunty, though.
Tons. They're about the only thing thriving here. I do hope you got my point somewhere along the line.
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