Shuushin
on Bugs by INTRANSIT
9 Jun 2004, 4:11 PM
Many shades of red - so many.
Regardless - very well said.
I get what you're trying to convey, but its not worded in a manner that gives me wood.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
on reflexion v.3 - Cannibalization and Twilight by Don-Quixote
10 Jun 2004, 3:30 AM
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfried?
Wiped his bum.
unicorns? really?
Poetaster.
skimple-skample.
I love this poem. It's good for a laugh, and it's relatively truthful. Nice job!
Maybe its because I'm drunk...but I get this and I LIKE it...I'll read it sober and see, but right now...yep.
Jesus Creased
Re-heated Macaroni
So- As may be better. For a second I though about pink berets. ????? dummy me. I likes.
That's it, I'm gonna kill somebody.
What are you trying, in your own ridiculously long-winded and formless way, to say here? This is clearly about absolutely nothing! What, you went for a drive on a really hot day?
Touch and go objectives????
Devil driven influences inable an inner calmness??
How?
Surrounding air permissisibly drags you? What, do you live at 40 ATMS?
This is hopeless.
You can taste the glimmered reflection of an ocean moon?
If only the thumb wrestling, the glance and the smile convey meaning then why are you writing about all that other crap?
The first bit is really good and reminds me of Yeats or something. Then it falls apart into crap. Then the crap starts multiplying and increasing its horrible powers. SO -
- Don't ever ever write in a poem that "words can't describe" whatever the poem is about. It's a terribly stupid thing to do.
- "Discribe" is "describe," anyway.
- Why in God's name are you suddenly "itchin"? Why oh why would we want you to abruptly change the poem's voice to that of a backhills rustic? Don't do that! Don't even say "itching to"! It's a silly expression, utterly unpoetic, and if you do say it in real life, I'd highly recommend you stop. Thank you.
- That last stanza just fizzles out altogether. It reads like a second-grader's report on "How I spent my summer vacation." You know, the ones you had to write before you learned any tenses but the present indicative. To summarize: Start writing again from the end of the first stanza. Get it together, bud! This ain't the minor leagues any more.
The marital sin? What the fuck is that? If it's what I think it is, you're horribly repressed. Go directly to looneybins.com and get some therapy.
Healed strings? Healed strings? Hahahhahahaha!
horus8 might have written this poem about being drilled by Dean Cain while on X at a fabulous Dave Geffen pool party.