[_] AABB rhyming scheme
[_] About romantic love
[_] About poetry-writing
[_] About suicide or self-mutilation
[X] Arbitrary indentation
[X] Arbitrary line breaks
[_] Autobiographical but in the third person
[X] Clerical errors
[_] Cliched imagery (staring out of window, pits of despair)
[_] Cliched rhymes (love/above etc.)
[_] Devoid of alliteration or any such linguistic embellishments
[X] Devoid of rhyme
[_] Devoid of simile, reification or any such literary devices
[_] Devoid of wond'rous or fantastical imagery
[_] Drug references
[_] Elves, unicorns, etc.
[_] Exclamation points used to mark 'the funny bits'
[_] Insipidly whimsical or zany
[_] Leaving rant
[_] Lower case only
[_] Melodramatic
[_] Naively religious or superstitious
[_] Obsessed with femininity
[_] Overabundance of ellipses
[_] Overuse of 'depression' words (putrid, wretched, darkness, etc)
[X] Pointedly unanswered questions
[_] Protagonist has a smug name
[_] Rage against the machine
[_] References to the author's 'social life'
[_] Repetition of a single word or phrase to the point of nausea
[_] Sanctimoniously moral
[_] Sentimental
[_] Self-pity
[X] Thesaurophilia
[_] Use of internet shorthand or emoticons
[_] Vicarious wish fulfilment

6.9345.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfried?

Wiped his bum.