SupremeDreamer
on some deleted poem
10 Jun 2004, 6:52 PM
LMAO. 10.
This poem has emotion, relationship, specifics the audience can relate to and understand. 4
The structure and the words you seem to 'settle' for, are still unpoetic. There's no music to it.
Once a year I find my way
To the place my Father loved.
Mountain waterfall
A little ways above our camp.
I rise up, like Daddy,
And follow the lichened trail
til I arrive again
To his sault of faith, my place of peace.
Your use of picasso instills in me the feeling of inadequacy. Take this blessing of ten and begone!!
I like it. Loaded with attitude. Blessed with eight.
Let me express what this poem feels like to me over-all:
Limp.
But it could be stiffened into something that penetrates, if you get what I mean? So take this blessing of five.
what a phallacy.
Well.. you know, this doesn't look as if you put all the ability you have into this one.. if it were to be sung, I think it would come out lame. Theres the potential for this to be extended and improved though.
In the mean time, I bless thee with five. Go in peace.
My writers block villanelle. Hope it isn't too whiny.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
10 Jun 2004, 8:40 PM
Absolutely fabulous!
Impressive. This is the best work I've seen from you so far. Blessed with ten.
It's good but the ending leaves a bit to be desired..
and you'll always will be
sounds like Ross and Rachel haha not really umm
this makes no sense
"do like [we do]"
the verb "to be" is a bit overdone here, R.
You know, and this is just me...but I think if you're going to give somebody a 0, the least you can do is leave a comment giving a reason.
I originally wrote this as a joke and admit it
probably should have been left unposted. I'll do
better next time(:
Why be a bitch? you read my work long enough to give me a one and a 0, but no comments. If you dislike it that much just don't vote. unless you're one of those who is trying to win poemranker by eliminating all others.
1. You never tell us who he is, in relationship to you or the world. 0
2. What is the ambrosia, the fear, the roses? 0
3. Designate what? 0
4. Drifting where? 0
5. Retrospect? So far there's nothing to look at backwards or forwards. 0
6. His agility was found by what act? 0
etc. etc. etc...
Everything in this poem is completely vague, how can the audience relate to or feel the emotion of something without emotion. Can you tell me what the emotion is in this poem? No, I didn't think so. I don't have time to keep repeating myself over and over again when I read a poem that's completely in trouble. Take a class, pay someone to help you, or read books on writing poetry. Nothing in your work is clear or dramatic. You show terrible taste in your choice of words. Personally, I honestly don't think you'll ever be any good at writing poetry. Poets are born not made. You can improve, but only so far. You're poetically tone deaf.
there are you happy now?