god'swife
on do you talk out loud in public? by peaceseeker
14 Jun 2004, 8:40 PM
I love this poem from the title on, but it's all a jumble. Sometimes it takes years.
'...lady parts...' is aces. What's biffed?
Exactly.
Exactly right.
You deserve to live.
Very Nice!
There once was a browne Kilroy-Silk,
I revealed his secret charm to his ilk,
His face bore a grin,
That cracked his foreskin,
And lactated super-tasty skimmed milk.
May I be the first to say "Van Guff"?
cute. Yeah, I think it would be fine without the first 3 lines.
It doesn't need the Usama hook, really.
Good use of the form. Think it could mean alot of things other that van gogh (even lots of painters) - and that takes away from it a little.
take the second half of the second verse and put the rest back into the word-pile.
And the last line could work too - just the idea of it; toasting bodyparts.
could make a memorable song - but not another suicide note.
Meanderer.
Nice user name, but this poem is sadly magniloquent.
Get rid of the first couplet.
I'll give you a 1, just for figuring out how to rhyme.
What's pebble dashed?
Dreams sold cheaply.
This is not a Haiku. It might be great as something else. Explore.
Childish.
Great title, but you fall into the abyss at the 3rd line. It's a nice idea, how is it you always put to much sauce on the biscuits?
Nonsense.
Terrific insight. You need to narrow this universe down. Take it easy. This could be a great great poem. Slow it down a bit. Do some research, study words.