Lose the rhymes and this isn't bad.

i like this... it has style...

keep writing...

something i can relate to.. good one here... but like hywel, i feel funny reading triple ryhme...

his lost. think about it.. don't quite like the second and last stanza, though...

=D

'With' is such a terrific word to start a poem. I think all poems should start with the word 'with'. That would be awesome! Hey, wordsmith, why don't try showing HOW he recognizes his own shortcomings, instead of taking the easy way out?

Just a note: try saying Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegggggggggggg you'll find it's not different from say Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegggggggggggggggggggggggg or Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeggggggg. that's because, as all choral teachers preach, you can't hold out a consonant without putting an extra vowel on the end. just a thought

This isn't that great as a poem, but for some reason I like it. Would be better, methinks, as a lyric.

Wow! That has got to be... Wow! *4*

I'd scratch the first verse. "Our soles preceed our souls," "no longer cold," not needed. "My freeform flails" Is your friend really 96 and dancing?

Well for one, this lawnchair, and for two my pristine nudity and Mai Tai.

Poop pie ala mood.

Congratulations on making the top of the Best Lyrics list. Now, please sit down and put your pants back on. -10-

Satisfying and all that. *10*

Some of the rhymes are good and some seem very forced (i.e.- sun/shun). Other than that, not bad.

You had me at vodka.

Very interesting. The first stanzas confusing, you got one night and nine months. Maybe if you put a period after the second line and remove and at the beginning of the next. I like the idea in the first stanza. 'Favorite genes' is a little corny, but one gets used to it. You need to chose between 'gone to far' or 'come this far'. the last line in that stanza doesn't feel important, it wouldn't change a thing if it wasn't there. In the following stanza the last line is so confusing. 'should...cheat,' is phrased like a question, put the puncuation's not. If this line is not meant to be a question it might work better for you if you get rid of the 'a's in front of 'liar' &'cheat'. 'but silence is betrayal' I like this line quite a bit especially for the end of a thought. the 3 questions after bring this poem down several points. Like I said, the silence line is so good, those next 3 lines just slow down the momentum. the last stanza's really good, the'ears' can be interpreted as belonging to a variety of listeners. On a personal note my son's a bastard. I told him when he was 8, before anyone else had a chance to, he took it very well. He's not ashamed of it, i've heard him tell his friends on several occasions. I don't think it has the stigma attached to it that it use to.

LOL

yep, sure is.