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Thoughts Asunder (Free verse) by wilco
I. Settle down with Whitman's ghost and revel for a while in Leaves of Grass. It makes the mind wander slightly to a life, not much more than ordinary and to think that this is not such a bad thing. II. This old couch lacks the beauty of youth, with its cigarette burns and coffee stains; the floral pattern having worn away long ago. Nothing but character and comfort after a long, tiresome day, but this is all that a dreamer needs. III. All these words, pasted carefully in place, speaking volumes of heartbreak, beauty and the wondrous venture of love. It seems to me that the heart, being only tissue, is nothing more than a peripheral. IV. An old man in a dying trend once gave me a bit of good advice. He said to believe in a god of some sort, to grow fatter with every passing year and to never, ever marry a woman who wants to hyphenate her name.

Up the ladder: Angelic Fornication
Down the ladder: Half a dozen

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.923077
Weighted score: 7.1369405
Overall Rank: 53
Posted: June 23, 2004 3:25 PM PDT; Last modified: June 23, 2004 3:36 PM PDT
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Comments:
[9] Dovina @ 17.255.240.6 | 23-Jun-04/4:08 PM | Reply
I prefer hyphenation so you may want to court elsewhere. I Dov- in- a- pond, and none of them knew me.
[9] Doug @ 205.188.116.140 | 23-Jun-04/7:02 PM | Reply
One of your best poems.-9-
[9] Dovina @ 24.52.157.176 | 23-Jun-04/10:41 PM | Reply
Now that I've calmed down from my little catfight with god'swife (and by the way I appreciate your comments there) I'll say something about your poem. I like the feel of it. That's not astute, but it's the kinda thing that gets you through the night. Cheers.
[10] god'swife @ 209.178.146.70 > Dovina | 24-Jun-04/11:29 AM | Reply
I was never fighting with you.
[9] titan69 @ 62.31.23.43 | 24-Jun-04/12:33 AM | Reply
good poem wilco
[10] god'swife @ 209.178.146.70 | 24-Jun-04/11:26 AM | Reply
I enjoyed this poem. It's entertaining, funny and sweet. you've structured it perfectly. 10.

Now, a few things you might find helpful

I.

you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)

II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.

III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.

IV.
Perfect in every way.

Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.

[n/a] wilco @ 24.176.102.131 > god'swife | 24-Jun-04/12:29 PM | Reply
Thanks, that actually means a lot coming from you.

Peripheral can be used as a noun, though its generally more so in computer science. a peripheral is some sort of auxillary device like a modem or a printer (Thanks dictionary.com). So, thats the angle that I was using.

The rest of your suggestions are correct and duly noted. Glad you liked it.
[10] MacFrantic @ 198.81.26.16 | 24-Jun-04/8:00 PM | Reply
Satisfying and all that. *10*
[2] Engelbert Humpalot @ 85.211.244.15 | 8-Oct-07/6:59 AM | Reply
Good last stanza. Best just to shag her and bugger off.
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