poemranker ::Thoughts Asunder by wilco

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Free verse № 106374

Thoughts Asunder

Member since 2004 · Posted 23 Jun 2004 · Edited 23 Jun 2004 · 9 comments

I. Settle down with Whitman's ghost and revel for a while in Leaves of Grass. It makes the mind wander slightly to a life, not much more than ordinary and to think that this is not such a bad thing. II. This old couch lacks the beauty of youth, with its cigarette burns and coffee stains; the floral pattern having worn away long ago. Nothing but character and comfort after a long, tiresome day, but this is all that a dreamer needs. III. All these words, pasted carefully in place, speaking volumes of heartbreak, beauty and the wondrous venture of love. It seems to me that the heart, being only tissue, is nothing more than a peripheral. IV. An old man in a dying trend once gave me a bit of good advice. He said to believe in a god of some sort, to grow fatter with every passing year and to never, ever marry a woman who wants to hyphenate her name.

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14 votes so far. Yours would make 15.14 votes so far

9 comments

[9] Dovina 23-Jun-04/4:08 PM Reply
I prefer hyphenation so you may want to court elsewhere. I Dov- in- a- pond, and none of them knew me.
[9] Doug 23-Jun-04/7:02 PM Reply
One of your best poems.-9-
[9] Dovina 23-Jun-04/10:41 PM Reply
Now that I've calmed down from my little catfight with god'swife (and by the way I appreciate your comments there) I'll say something about your poem. I like the feel of it. That's not astute, but it's the kinda thing that gets you through the night. Cheers.
[10] god'swife › Dovina 24-Jun-04/11:29 AM Reply
I was never fighting with you.
[9] titan69 24-Jun-04/12:33 AM Reply
good poem wilco
[10] god'swife 24-Jun-04/11:26 AM Reply
I enjoyed this poem. It's entertaining, funny and sweet. you've structured it perfectly. 10.

Now, a few things you might find helpful

I.

you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)

II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.

III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.

IV.
Perfect in every way.

Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.

[n/a] wilco › god'swife 24-Jun-04/12:29 PM Reply
Thanks, that actually means a lot coming from you.

Peripheral can be used as a noun, though its generally more so in computer science. a peripheral is some sort of auxillary device like a modem or a printer (Thanks dictionary.com). So, thats the angle that I was using.

The rest of your suggestions are correct and duly noted. Glad you liked it.
[10] MacFrantic 24-Jun-04/8:00 PM Reply
Satisfying and all that. *10*
[2] Engelbert Humpalot 8-Oct-07/6:59 AM Reply
Good last stanza. Best just to shag her and bugger off.