Free verse № 106374
Thoughts Asunder
I.
Settle down with Whitman's ghost
and revel for a while in Leaves of Grass.
It makes the mind wander slightly
to a life, not much more than ordinary
and to think
that this is not such a bad thing.
II.
This old couch lacks the beauty of youth,
with its cigarette burns and coffee stains;
the floral pattern having worn away long ago.
Nothing but character and comfort
after a long, tiresome day,
but this is all that a dreamer needs.
III.
All these words, pasted carefully in place,
speaking volumes of heartbreak, beauty
and the wondrous venture of love.
It seems to me that the heart,
being only tissue,
is nothing more than a peripheral.
IV.
An old man in a dying trend
once gave me a bit of good advice.
He said to believe in a god of some sort,
to grow fatter with every passing year
and to never, ever marry a woman
who wants to hyphenate her name.
9 comments
Now, a few things you might find helpful
I.
you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)
II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.
III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.
IV.
Perfect in every way.
Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.
Peripheral can be used as a noun, though its generally more so in computer science. a peripheral is some sort of auxillary device like a modem or a printer (Thanks dictionary.com). So, thats the angle that I was using.
The rest of your suggestions are correct and duly noted. Glad you liked it.
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