Dovina
on some deleted poem
6 Sep 2004, 12:28 PM
Don't know what to make of this.
Is this about Daniel, who went into the lion's cage but lived?
Dear NLD,
It is very nice to see something positive being said. As a poem however this lacks that something extra in language usage to really raise it above prose. Also things like we were standing.... when suddenly you appeared, as there are really only the two of you in this story one is left wondering who the first we applies to if 'you' were not there, or how you could have been there and then appeared. All told I think you have a core here but you need to work on it some. Cut, prune and shape it a bit.
How is this an acrostic? What do the first two lines mean? How does Snow White pale in one mirror more than in any mirror?
The last verse is nice.
'moments of pregnant opportunity/back into reality,/ seeding it with new possibility' Is juvenile. The words are clearly there to force rhyme. Noeone going for precision would possibly pick such vague words as reality, possibility and opportunity. It is just too trite, you are trying to make huge generalisation out of nothing.
Romp is also a clear forced rhyme for swamp.
'and death was born,/ while pain and love/ were only shadows in the dawn.' tries to be TS Eliot but sounds more like fred elliot. Again imprecise and hence meaningless.
'of those who have no goals,/and pay each day anew the cost,/ for this and senseless dreams.' again vague sweeping generalisations. This pattern seem to repeat itself through your poem like a rhyme.
my god. it's oh so very sad.
Renee Blue Eyes. It's simple yet i fell that the words used were adequate in this instance. I think i particularly liked the first two and the last two lines. Well written, an acrostic that evokes emotion. But next time round, maybe you would like to stress upon certain lines. Good Work, an 8 over 10. And i did another one, review if you have the time.
God...Long, boring and crammed full of angel cocca.
Good poem about your feelings toward Renee. Last verse really says it.
Well thought-out and competently written. -8-
Didn't get lost but shorter might be better.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
6 Sep 2004, 10:10 AM
Appallingly poignant
Stanza 5, I would refine. But, well, you know.
Never read the original,This one makes me wonder. I've printed it out so that I can imbibe it. I'd add it to my favorites, but I want to print those anyway so I can study them and see where I keep going wrong. well done. I'll get back with you. If it takes too long, just remind me. Hell, read one of mine while yer there.
"Game Over" Good-est.
A profoundly silly idea, poorly executed. The rash of pointedly unanswered questions sully the mantle in ways hitherto undreamt of on poemeranker. Appalling. Simply appalling.
How delightfully aloof you must be!