dancin_n_da_moonlite
on A Better God by Dovina
30 Dec 2004, 12:19 PM
this is beautifully written - i love it
this is so unique and it is so well written i lovet this
-mega
Good meter and use of rhyme. Wow, all these knives, all this hurt, is there no redemption in all the blood and cutting? Maybe not. Good poem.
you are without a shadow of a doubt the worst poet i have ever heard of - i am honestly not trying to be mean - i am sure you are good at something - it just isnt poetry - please try your hand at something else
-mega
You're really good!
Who taught you how to write?
Robert Smith?
ah my friend i have read many of the poems on this site - u appear one of the most talented i have ever read - 10
-mega
My father taught me "there is as much dignity in tilling a field as in writing a poem." He didn't write poems, but he knew how to till and how to paint. His oil on canvas shows the pain and joy that comes from a row straightly furrowed. I hope that as you recover, yours will depict aspects of a dilemma and its resolution that few of the rest of us can even imagine.
This could be called a "Prose Poem." There's a new category here for them. It's a form that allows you to develop ideas like these more fully than you've done here. The ideas and beliefs are good, and could use more rigorous preparation.
They call it an Act of God, as if He consciously did something. You're right, we are nothing.
Comes the picky Dovina, like a bluejay to eat the ladybugs, and ask what all this means. Or rather to say again that I think the thing should give enough clues that I wouldn't have to ask. Okay, she cried, you left, and you feel okay with ending the codependence.
A tender and thoughtful prayer. If God answers any, He will surely answer yours. Beware of the wolves, they are not all in sheep's attire.
My only problem is the word 'knife'
Here's a thought, now I'm nowhere
As professional a writer as you,
but what if you changed all
Instances where you use the word
'knife' and substitute it for the
Word 'Aloofa'? What do you think?
Well, you're only 16 and just getting started at writing, and want to show your "beautiful heart and mind," so I'll say this easy. Read good poetry, observe, find unique things to say and unique ways to say them. You're not even close with this poem, but don't give up.
im not quite sure what to make of this - but i really really like it - 10!
I find this too contrived and boringly repetitive, there is more 'ore' in this than the whole of Western Australia.
Perhaps it's me and I don't understand the structure, please enlighten me, I am willing to learn
I believe you have done a similar one before. The calm reflection just before you are engulfed (little point in panicking now). A slight poem but then again a slight time frame.
I try to make my own conclusions without reading the other comments, but I share Dovina's unease with "chimera".
Having trouble with the disparity it implies, because I don't see it in the action. And the only link I see with the beak is with the color partially matching the flames breathed by that mythical beast - but that is a longshot at best. Fire/Water disparity?? - I actually wouldn't be too surprised if *you* were going for that (and that is meant as a compliment).
Otherwise, its a soothing piece. Mellow with an interesting but not startling turn. "plumped tail" is very nice. Don't know what would work better than "lob", maybe "float" for several reasons you can probably see for yourself. But lob works well too.
Do I agree with the premise? I agree we made gods, but as for the reason - we'd have to agree on a definition of an adult.
I put this in the category of "thoughts that might turn into poems".
welcome back! I've seen the glitters of fish 30 feet below feeding on the coral reefs of Hawaii and wondered how they fared during the big wave of '46, I think it was. They, like half the residents of Hilo, died in that wave. So I must pick at the word "while." Otherwise good.