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KAT 2 (Free verse) by nentwined in the darkness I saw a flame
and but a moth I flew
a merry dance and
journey there
and by and by were you.
questioning your questions and
answering as best I could
flitting here and there as well
wondering what
I should.
as i pondered how and when
you danced away, my flame
and I
stared from my distance
wishing you back again.
i yearned and I strived
but my wings would not carry
my heart - it was heavy
my vision was
blurry
the damsel with the evil eyes
a wicked grin forsooth
magnesium
glare, aura bright
burning for the Truth.
questing mind, serpent's
tongue
lies as lithe as please
the freest creature I've ever seen
pining
to be free.
Up the ladder:
Satyrs and fluting the teachers
Down the ladder:
How to sleep sitting up
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.952381
Posted: March 16, 2002 1:19 AM PST; Last modified: March 16, 2002 1:19 AM PSTWeighted score: 6.952381 Overall Rank: 160 Comments:
[3]...
anonymous @
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9-Sep-01/7:39 PM
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Reply
fierce!
Ooh, poem with non-contrived-sounding rhyme scheme! Impressed.
prrretty good. Try to identify the one primary idea you want to get across and make this variety of images work towards it. The rhyme is a bit pained, try writing longer lines maybe?
I get the feeling that this poem tries to hard to sound old... but that's a valid style in itself.
The irony of this poem is the graphic rigidity of its format. Perhaps you can look into that quality of the poem - the idea that the poetry is in itself a restriction from which you are unable, as a poet, to be free from. And I think the selective capitalization is really a small fish to be frying, I'd focus on the big idea a bit more.
Nicely doneG
mammon/ noun: material wealth having a debasing influence. 6/10
nice I like it - 9/10
Great sounding last stanza
My name is kat can it be about me? (o:
very nice sounds, k. not sure about the line breaks. reading it aloud, they sound random, and stop the flow of the words.
Very much liked this, NW. I didn't expect the type of language from you, and it's laid in consistently and to good effect.
It flows kindof moth-like, doesn't it? Great ending. 528 view(s)
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