Dovina
on Lent Begins by jessicazee
4 Feb 2005, 7:48 AM
Good story.
What a lovely world you inhabit.
So nice to know you care enough to emulate.
Weird. Sounds scary and ridiculous at the same time. If I knew anything, I might even vote.
You are one ignorant Limey knob-polisher.
A few too many words. Try scratching - love's, fills (make it fill or scratch fills my body) hatred springs to life, evil, again unreservedly, devastation.
I didn't want to like this, but I did anyway. Delete the last 2 lines.
Love the line about your shoes.
Who says "coppers"? What are you living in a 1930's crime saga?
could do without the "so", and "that", still very nice.
Good. Try omitting "Driving along fast" and "my" in the line above.
Good rhythm and a nice ending.
Makes me think about fishing when I was a kid. Still one of my favorite things to do, although I don't get to much anymore.
As anybody who's read "A Room of One's Own" knows (and that's probably nearly everyone who knows anything), "poetess" and "girly" have never been considered opposing options for women. In fact, poetry is historically the domain of good domestic girls, being usually somewhat shallower and more maudlin than other literary forms, and also easier to write during soapopera commercials. That you don't already know this is yet another stain on your much besmirch'd reputation.
I predict you'll say something about how this poem is not about girls and poetesses, but rather about something unrelated and at present unimaginable.
The past-present mixup in the parentheses is a little off-putting. To say the least.
I really do like it - the first stanza was definitely captivating, for the confident entrance and then the creeping of doubts.
But call me ignorant.. It's not really.. Poetic. You're not hiding anything. And what you explain seems to go on a long time. I think there are lines here that are superfluous - they don't help so they drag.
Like "into the shadows". Sounds very The Rasmus. At least forget the linebreak that makes it independent.
Hwy wilco - overall it has a nice presence, but it didn't sink in until the end. Feature or bug?
I was thinking that each of those stanzas could be on their own, even expanded into more - then I hit the chorus and it gelled. So I guess you could go either way with it.
consuming/consumes - I struggled with that a little. Did you try it the other way too?