Dovina
on Girl of my Dreams??? by thepinkbunnyofdoom
12 Mar 2005, 11:15 AM
An interesting romance to follow as it winds through the ranker.
Not really a poem, maybe a prose poem. To be a poem, it should be cleverly written, unususl, and touching to an uninformed reader.
Rather interesting
Too much time on your hands
A commentary on American policy in Iraq, and a good one. Some repetative lines, probably written in angst - "spat on your brothers" and "Killed my brothers" - "told you how to live,who to worship" and "criticized my God."
You have some good wording here, but I don't know the subject. An art-based poem like this might come through nicely if I were looking at the artwork. I suggest in writing such a poem that you provide a link to the art.
Punctuation would help to clarify, especially using prose poem form. As it stands, I had to keep going back.
It's a good point, but I think you carry on too much. Three or four verses could say it better. And trying to maintain rhyme and beat have weakened most of the verses.
I don't think anybody gets you. I've read the comments and see you as much younger, but like me, healthy, smart and bored. Jumping off a bridge and can't even drown. So what can I tell you except to find somepalce to feel needed and keep plugging away at this; it has potential.
I like it... believe the end could use somethin else, add a lil somethin, but I still think you did a good job.
2buckchuck&awinesnob. This is a lovely cock-tale of deceit.-10-
If you've ever been closer to Amsterdam than Sacramento, I'm a cold cock. What I'm trying to say is, it shows.
Not really a poem.
"Little sparrow, little sparrow,
Precious fragile little thing
Little sparrow, little sparrow
Flies so high and feels no pain."
- Dolly Parton
"Who will love a little Sparrow?
Who's traveled far and cries for rest?
'Not I,' said the Oak Tree,
'I won't share my branches with
no sparrow's nest,
And my blanket of leaves won't warm
her cold breast.'
Who will love a little Sparrow
And who will speak a kindly word?
'Not I,' said the Swan,
'The entire idea is utterly absurd,
I'd be laughed at and scorned if the
other Swans heard.'"
- Paul Simon
I rarely say this because it's a bum rule, but Show, don't Tell.
Your life is very dramatic. -10-
I just counted and in 360 posts you've not written a single poem that wasn't about yourself. What do you think you'd write about if you were forced to write about something different? I bet: blind children, Christian knights, or kittens, in that order.
What a sad story... -10-
This is simply awful. Can I make a recommendation? Please visit these poetry links:
http://www.favoritepoem.org/poems/index.