jessicazee
on Coffined by Dovina
26 May 2005, 9:40 PM
I'm refraining from reading other comments and offer a 9.1. Good for me, if only right now.
Firebirds and cold leather souls are enough to win me over. 9.3.
I really can't tell you how much I like this. Vivid, I think, is the word for the way this struck me. A painting of both light and dark. Inspiring.
What if, indeed.
It's Summer time love.
I would say 'that heaven let me in' in the first stanza. See how it flows better that way? A few other spots that seem to bog down a bit. A positive message, but I think you need repentance, also, for that forgiveness.
Sure. Just center it and it looks like an inscription on a memorial. It's postcard poetry. The voice needs a little reverberation here. The words don't do the job.
There is no reason to believe some art from our time won't make it past the next epic disaster. Um, proto-human art DID survive the last ice age. Of course, most of that was just interestingly shaped rocks.
I thought "stray nuclear warhead" was funny, though. Like it was just looking for the loo and got lost.
"exes".
I really liked this, mostly because it sounds like something I would have written.I especially like the part about forgetting your song. superb..
Moving and interesting. Could do with more clues to the relationship, history between these two. First two lines a little slow for the pace of the rest of the poem.
Just one remark: 'closed'. A cycle cannot be closed or opened. Unless you mean that breaking out of her cycle causes the hurt. But I don't think so.
Too much proze for my taste.
'is already wrote'??
You can mock mother nature all you want, but you will never be able to filter out a certain sense of wonder. The poem would have been great (after changes according to Dovina's advices) if it had contained both feelings. It's in the last two lines perhaps, but not powerful enough.
The awful thing is, this is such a pile of platitudes that I simply do not believe you are converted. There is absolutely no spark of true believe. What I see here is a brainwashed person.
The most minimalist poem in the world. (except for the one that goes 'I am'). Excellent.
<< All the pain only relative,
An evaporation from the mind condenses on her body.
...
To her closed cycle of hurt >>
That 6th line is a true gem. But I feel there is a contradiction between the 5th and the last line. Care to explain, Roisin?
Well, can't say I was ever a fan of the whole "let's right a song about Jesus" thing, but I guess I can't down you for that alone.
I dug the grammar choice. But that's just me. 8.