Dan garcia-Black
on Fair Warning by cockmage
3 Jun 2005, 8:36 AM
Bad limerick. How does picked rhyme with kid, Mockmage?
I just saw your vehement reaction to a 'fucking whore', and it's not justified. The poem can be so much better if you would care to consider a reader's interest. There are too many writers who write and post a poem for their own benefit. They don't understand, or do not want to understand that the poem is read by a bunch of Total Strangers who don't give a fuck about the authors wonderful dad. If you want them to care, you'll have to get rid of egocentricism. Sorry Celtic, but that's the way it is.
A cute story with some funny prose. The title doesn't fit - dragons and backpack.
Splitting the years into pieces to please, some time pleasing here, some there, splitting gears, split by peers. Think I'll stay home.
A little sappy, but alright, yep - all right.
INTRANSIT
on Adibe's Song (third-time's-the-charm revision, less Spanish) by zodiac
3 Jun 2005, 6:10 AM
The first seemed like notes scribbled tiredly so thought wouldn't be lost. This is mucho bene. Romance, religion, politicos, bullets, the true nature of all that is. These are honest tens I give.
Ok, here are my nits. Dangling hands and outward thumbs may be too descriptive. Does he really take your Hands? Or does he use your upper arms. Your breasts feel connected or do you? Unique line of womanhood sounds like he's got women all over the globe to me. The reality dream ending loses me, but I might not be reading it at the right speed there. Keep in mind there may be references in this that I just don't understand. Facing east for starters. I don't get it but I'm sure you're facing that way for a reason. I still like this heaps.
Yes, we know. And if the greater population all agreed to not show up for work until "our boys and girls" get sent home, well, the nation's gonna collapse either way.
CUT! CUT! Hold it. There's too much unnecessary stuff here. If you want the end-rhyme then GET the end rhyme. But Iron out the lines. Take a T-sqare to them and listen to the beats. You've got plenty to work with.
It's not bad. Just far from what it can be.
Funky.
There is poetry here but try workshopping it. A few rough spota especially lines 3 and 4 and I stumbled on 7. All in all, a good poem about the creative process. -8-
But I think you do have fancy architecture.
It's sad that being built to love and understand, we're often hating and misunderstanding.
Trite.
Dovina
on Adibe's Song (third-time's-the-charm revision, less Spanish) by zodiac
3 Jun 2005, 1:32 PM
Why is she in the men's residencia?
Is she a she? The scarf implies so.
Why is hermano not Hermano?
Is a hacienda a residencia? Not ordinarily.
Why are housewives in a men's residencia?
Why capital Heaven, but not church?
How does she know tomorrow's headlines?
Last line is good.
I find this dull. You can do betta.
ok...u cant actually smell the sweetness of the snow....and if ur trying to be "imaganitive" then its obvious not working...u shuld read more poems...and poems doesnt have to rhyme ^^
I think this poem is good^^ i lyk the way u gave them personalities
ooooo you make the bunnies soud like humans good...but i think it needs more creativity