Re: Heaven Help Me by cyan9	some deleted user 204.97.18.183	22-Dec-05/4:12 AM
I agree that this is a prose poem and I would combine the stanzas into one paragraph--that's just my preference. Good work overall. Thanks for sharing.
Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac	cyan9 217.40.63.105	22-Dec-05/4:20 AM
My favourite out of yours so far
Re: When god manifested by Crakyamuni	cyan9 217.40.63.105	22-Dec-05/4:30 AM
Would have voted 10 if it were not for the line "the words haunt the logic in my core", the words logic and core break from the rest of the poem a bit too much. If I am going to knitpick, the first few lines sem to meander nowhere, making a less enticing start to an excellent poem.
Re: Slaves and their Serpents by cyan9	some deleted user 204.97.18.183	22-Dec-05/4:32 AM
Your good use of simile and metaphor (something that's lacking in alot of stuff on this site)cannot be understated in this poem. I've only been here a short while, and from my point of view this is the best I've seen from you so far. Great work.
Re: Tulips and Roses by Mona Lisa	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/8:53 AM
Try for some unity of imagery. It's not enough to simply make up a new metaphor or image for every single thing in your poem so you end up having four comparisons in four lines, and none of them related to the others. Okay, it is enough. But who wants to be doing "enough"?
Re: Slaves and their Serpents by cyan9	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/8:56 AM
already - one l. Yes, your mutilation does seem comic. Why write it that way? There's good stuff here, except that it's undercut by your silliness, and not in a useful way.
Re: Never Let Go Again by TLRufener	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/8:58 AM
Hey, you included a specific detail! Bravo! And I thought you were going to make it through the semester without learning anything.
Re: When god manifested by Crakyamuni	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:05 AM
Strong lines: "She likes the ocean, it's in her form" "carnivourous and kind" "so voracious it's death sometimes" "curves sing like the sun" "My wish is to depart in this light" "I want to be scorched by this" The rest needs to be like those, and not so, you know, overindulged narrator. Also, carnivorous and definitely are misspelled. And / is not a real punctuation. -8-
Re: It's Time by PoeticXTC	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:06 AM
Rhyming dictionary.
Re: Aisle by the bread counter by Caducus	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:18 AM
Don't randomly capitalize words.
Re: philosophy of a new age by crazyknight	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:27 AM
black is white. hoboes are wealthies. Steve is really Steven. clod is dolc. Hey, isn't it funny how you can say any two opposites are the same, and provided your guff level hasn't exceeded -=7=-, you'll sound clever and deep? You're full of crud. Stop it.
Re: philosophy of a new age by crazyknight	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:27 AM
PS-Your haiku is wrong.
Re: Mixed Quartet by Dovina	zodiac 70.109.2.131	22-Dec-05/9:47 AM
(1) Geneticists don't say. They say race as a biological construct depends on a very small genetic difference. No geneticist would deny that there is a difference, ergo different races. Only your straw man would say that. Surely you can see the distinction. DOVINA: Some random comment of zodiac's on race. ZODIAC: You are kind of clueless, aren't you? (2) Geneticists say nothing about the cultural or other differences between races, which seem to be the basis for the rest of your poem. Unless you're going to argue that latinos are genetically "soulish". (3) Despite all that, you've still managed to be racist. The whites are the "analytical" ones? Please get over yourself. DOVINA: Some random denial. ZODIAC: Your metaphor has Asians "quick" and "precise", whites "sharp" and "analytical", latins "soulish" and "devoted" - and blacks "smooth" and "limber"??!? Tell me, were you ever planning on giving blacks mental or psychological features, like you gave the other races? Or just physical ones, brutes that they are? What mental features would you give them? (Suggestions: Docile! Brooding! Rhythmical!) Does it bother you that, at best, this poem is a dictionary of outdated racial stereotypes obviously written by someone with little experience of other races and a profound, unacknowledged sense of white superiority? DOVINA: You've failed to get it. I'm talking about instruments. ZODIAC: If you say that you're the biggest guffer ever and ought to crawl in a hole and die of shame. DOVINA: You've failed to get it. I'm talking about instruments. I'm clever. ZODIAC: ...
Re: The Prince by elderking	celticskatermatt1 68.8.219.40	22-Dec-05/10:46 PM
catchy
Re: For Gillian Park by Caducus	celticskatermatt1 68.8.219.40	22-Dec-05/10:47 PM
Irish?
Re: Tulips and Roses by Mona Lisa	celticskatermatt1 68.8.219.40	22-Dec-05/10:50 PM
just wondering, but i dont get what the dream had to do with the first part? just wondering.
Re: Tulips and Roses by Mona Lisa	sliver 172.195.78.21	23-Dec-05/1:03 AM
What does a gown of lashes have to do with Venus orbiting the Earth, Plus the other unity issues previously mentioned. Don't give up on it, just consider new alternatives.I didn't like hearing cotton twice, consider woolen womb maybe?
Re: Never Let Go Again by TLRufener	sliver 172.195.78.21	23-Dec-05/1:06 AM
Obviously a whoopsy-Daisy of a day, Keep it on the bright side.
Re: Temptation by PoeticXTC	sliver 172.195.78.21	23-Dec-05/1:12 AM
A worthy temptation for such a fall I imagine.
Re: P.S + Post Script by celticskatermatt1	zodiac 70.109.2.131	23-Dec-05/7:43 AM
The next time an allusion forms in your mind, write it down. It'll make your poetry more interesting. "scricten"? Maybe you mean scriven?