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When god manifested (Free verse) by Crakyamuni
She likes the ocean, it's in her form Her way of moving with the eyes of the ones who seek her approving, carnivourous and kind So perfect and flawed, hungry and full inciting a craving so voracious it's death sometimes It destroys me once a day and it never lets me forget, she knows I don't forget Pretense falls at her feet and the moon begs at her slightest glance, and I definetely forget Losing the slightest sense of ever having known I fall to my own overindulged narrator the words haunt the logic in my core Names and places/ beauty and whores nothing, no, no one, somehow I'm never alone hiding in her soft cell, the curves sing like the sun, the arches follow the path of what I imagine only divinity could forge Nothing can take this from me, no one can touch what I have kept for her inside my deepest vein I find myself here, lost and perpetually discovering I will never know My wish is to depart in this light, on this path until I can burn like that I want to be scorched by this, I want to be perpetually dying to feed this fire grow blind to the dark, and explode forever only to be one with this, one with her


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Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
 GraphVotes
10  .. 00
.. 10
.. 10
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 00
.. 10

Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Weighted score: 5.0794687
Overall Rank: 6441
Posted: December 20, 2005 9:37 PM PST; Last modified: December 20, 2005 9:37 PM PST
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Comments:
[9] cyan9 @ 217.40.63.105 | 22-Dec-05/4:30 AM | Reply
Would have voted 10 if it were not for the line "the words haunt the logic in my core", the words logic and core break from the rest of the poem a bit too much. If I am going to knitpick, the first few lines sem to meander nowhere, making a less enticing start to an excellent poem.
[8] zodiac @ 70.109.2.131 | 22-Dec-05/9:05 AM | Reply
Strong lines:

"She likes the ocean, it's in her form"
"carnivourous and kind"
"so voracious it's death sometimes"
"curves sing like the sun"
"My wish is to depart in this light"
"I want to be scorched by this"

The rest needs to be like those, and not so, you know, overindulged narrator. Also, carnivorous and definitely are misspelled. And / is not a real punctuation. -8-
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