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Flamingo's Stare (Haiku) by Bankrupt_Word_Clerk stealing glances in
many directions I see
you staring at me
shift positions
crafting a new parallax
now I'm watching you
watching me from that
angle I can tell that you
really don't see me
only a glimmer
out of the corner of my
eye shows me you left
the pool we were in
politely observing each
other in the murk.
Up the ladder:
May I Cook Dinner?
Down the ladder:
Four Seasons
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6666665
Posted: June 12, 2005 1:19 AM PDT; Last modified: June 12, 2005 1:19 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.0794687 Overall Rank: 6451 Comments:
[9]
deleted user @ 81.69.23.196
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12-Jun-05/4:59 AM
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Reply
This has a solid, logical structure. Nothing's happening...and there's no need for. Plenty of low crackling electricity. Dare I call this a good poem? I do
I think you could say this better with the restraints of haiku.
do you mean 'without' the restraints?
Sorry, yes. The haiku structure works well for some things, but I get a feeling of being restraind by it in this poem.
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