Re: cat by Dental Panic	zodiac 209.193.18.100	11-Jan-06/3:15 PM
Fabulous. This poem should be best on poemranker. It's your best, certainly. Eminently publishable, Dental.
Re: Flow by zodiac	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	11-Jan-06/3:47 PM
Recently I had a debate with someone over the use of 'this (is)' in a poem. I always wonder what happens when you pull it out - because there's always something happening. To me 'this (is)' is like a pointing finger, it's outside of the poem. The other party didn't agree. To him it was something he used frequently, without any objections. He liked the rhythm of it, and the decisiveness. I think he would have used your poem to prove his point. But maybe I would have too. I've got a problem with 'she dreams'/'she thinks'.
Re: Birmingham gardens by INTRANSIT	ecargo 172.142.12.67	11-Jan-06/8:08 PM
Late to the party (as always--just ask <~>, and I brought nasty cookies too). Some nice details here--really like "the specific gravity of my footsteps"; "to be like moss"; "fanning pinecones." Going to join the "joking oak" naysayers though (for what it's worth). Nice work--good luck with the submission.
Re: The copper man and Labrador by Caducus	zodiac 209.193.18.100	11-Jan-06/9:35 PM
The latest victim of the multiple self-voting bug. So sad, Caducus. So sad.
Re: cat by Dental Panic	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	12-Jan-06/5:21 AM
Well said. Maybe God does play dice but I think he cheats a little.
Re: What Matters by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	12-Jan-06/8:39 AM
Excuse me, but spell out the 17 syllables here. Am I losing something. I still find it confusing figuring out a Haiku. 5-7-5?
Re: the sky chooses blue by <~>	Caducus 172.213.134.2	12-Jan-06/9:18 AM
love kneescrape clarity - prayer like. Clarity.
Re: Photograph by <~>	Caducus 172.213.134.2	12-Jan-06/9:20 AM
From my loft i found all my pictures and schoolwork from near age zero and reading this the day after prologed the feeling of '5' ....Line 3 was mine once too.
Re: Flow by zodiac	Caducus 172.213.134.2	12-Jan-06/9:22 AM
Three different images of flow and damn good ones to boot.
Re: Intestinal Splash by cyan9	Caducus 172.213.134.2	12-Jan-06/9:23 AM
Good but stanza 4 for me makes it tiresome, too biological, out of synch.
regarding some deleted poem...	<~> 167.206.181.179	12-Jan-06/12:38 PM
"cirrus threads of mouth travelled lobes "my love they cannot hear us"." is beautiful, Cad. i think this would be more immediate, more urgent, if you wrote it in the present tense: "our lips mould as one,..."
Re: The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>	richa 81.178.226.106	12-Jan-06/1:49 PM
This is a terrible liberty. :(
Re: Sky All Around Me (goddess edit) by ecargo	richa 81.178.226.106	12-Jan-06/2:03 PM
This has good parts that don't seem to hang together. The first four lines are very engaging. I would miss out fixing your focus (or put it later) let the lyricism of lines 6/7 come out 'they are' breaks up the flow. Something like 'in the high hedge/ brown like the ground/ and gray like' would be better imo. The second and third verses seem disconnected from the question put to 'the assassin in the grass. The last verse is weak compared to the rest, the sentiment is a bit cliche-ey.
Re: Flow by zodiac	richa 81.178.226.106	12-Jan-06/2:10 PM
Cool. Is memory entirely necessary. There is another poem that is quite famous that ends on an abrupt fat portentious: Memory. It goes something like watching the ink from my pen on paper, ah memory. Alright I've forgotten where I heard it but it does.
Re: Flow by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	12-Jan-06/2:12 PM
I've noticed your line breaks tend to be more for visual purposes than for phonic purposes.
Re: cat by Dental Panic	richa 81.178.226.106	12-Jan-06/2:26 PM
I agree with biteme. The second and third verses do not follow on from the principle set out in the first verse very precisely. The first verse is good though. The line breaks are a bit random.
Re: Tulip by richa	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	12-Jan-06/2:34 PM
Nice. Was there a specific purpose for using such feminine text? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't come across gay or anything. It just seems like you had a reason for using such tender language and I'm not sure what it is.
Re: The Hermit on the Thoroughfare by http://mulberryfairy	ecargo 167.219.0.143	12-Jan-06/2:47 PM
Some good details (I like the cubed trinity) but a lot to process. Not sure I get the connection btwn food and birth (elimination?). I think you could drop the first two lines and do a little paring elsewhere.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.104	12-Jan-06/5:50 PM
Beautiful love poem. "Naked Gods dropped their robes" - If they are naked, how do they drop robes? "Enamel flints engulfed from desire" - Rhythm seems off. I'd prefer not to see the "if" in the last line, but that's just me.
Re: The Prayer Vendor by Enkidu	Dovina 69.175.32.104	12-Jan-06/6:01 PM
How does a smile become a martyr? "craven deprications" Did you use a thesaurus for "cowardly blames"? Not that it matters, but simpler language goes down easier. Still, I like this.