Re: Desperate Season by Sisterwolf	god'swife 71.103.98.44	21-Jan-06/9:49 PM
Things I Like About This Poem: Terrific assonance and alliterations. 'Between the dawn and darkening there are so few hours of living.' That's a kick ass line. 'Beds are singing' Personally, each winter I wish for summer afternoons, and each summer I look forward to a cold winter's night. The "grass is always greener", that's me. Things I'm Not Crazy About In This Poem: Winter's death is Spring, isn't it? Winter's chilled and stark bearing has fingers. I cannot picture this. I can picture death or winter having fingers, but not either's mien having fingers. Death is used twice within four lines. At first the subject is death and then the subject becomes earth's death. The inconsistency is distracting me. Ancient man. Too vague, too broad. I know there's a better way to say this. How is beyond me(of course, it's always easier said than done). This poem has an erudite mien; 'ancient man' looks lost. Like it was looking for an elementary school textbook and somehow walked into this poem. If the bed is singing I don't think the covers should be humming. How do you feel about the bed singing of warmth etc...? Or the bed could be singing songs of..., lullabies of..., or hymns to warmth and desperate escape. Maybe it would be best to leave the covers out of it. The two sentences in the penultimate stanza seem like questions, yet there are no question marks. Am I reading it wrong? That whole thing about winter not segueing into summer might be solved if you removed 'Then' from the beginning of the stanza. Oh, I'm also very fond of 'one stray thread of sun'. Thread is a perfect metaphor; thin, elusive, and it echos the notion of a thread of hope.
regarding some deleted poem...	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	21-Jan-06/10:05 PM
You should check out a poem called "Panther" by Rainer Maria Rilke.
Re: science by whispern_smoke_wisp	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	21-Jan-06/10:08 PM
Can we go any deeper than that?
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	22-Jan-06/6:12 AM
I've invented a word. epirrhemaphobia: Fear of adverbs. You did use at least one though. It just seems like a common thing in a lot of poems posted here. "scent the smell" comes across redundant and the best way I can think of to fix it is "In the air are the scents of many creatures good to eat;". I would lose the "Children's flesh" line. It goes a little too far and paints the leopard as almost pervertedly evil. I don't think you want to make your leopard the next Scar or Shere Khan. Your strong use of anthropomorphism makes me think that there's got to be some symbolic almost parable like meaning to the poem. The only reason I nitpicked this so much is that the rest of it is so goddamned good that it makes the tiny little flaws and questionable parts that much easier to spot.
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	pollywolly 62.30.170.78	22-Jan-06/9:07 AM
reading this as a loner i can understand the words very well but i also believe those not faced with these feeling could also understand what is being said. great movement in parts " fake smile and hide like a coward ". good piece!
Re: The Fragile silhouette of me by Prince of Void	pollywolly 62.30.170.78	22-Jan-06/9:12 AM
i think this is written quite beautifully. it just flows from line to line almost taking you into the void. super!
Re: Best left unsaid (trust first instincts edit, w/thanks) by ecargo	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	22-Jan-06/9:47 AM
I don't like the fact that "fuck" is the most powerful word in this poem. It kind of throws off everything else. Probably because the words leading up to it are so much less agressive. I'd just replace it with a synonym. And if it could rhyme with "teeth" that would be awesome.
Re: calanais by pollywolly	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:05 AM
I like this poem. Its kinda dark and mysterious. It sparks my imagination, I can actually see in my mind what you put in words. Very good. I give it an 8. P.S.-Thank you for commenting on my poem as well ;)
Re: Burning Night by ifni	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:08 AM
This is a very good piece. It really is fantastic. *8*
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	AngelicVampiress 216.76.239.195	22-Jan-06/11:11 AM
a bit repeative but still a very moving and beautiful poem. My favorite part is "waiting endlessly thorough million tears has fallen on this ocean of time it can be something to see me now" I give it an *8*
Re: Jailbird by zodiac	SupremeDreamer 130.65.109.104	22-Jan-06/3:27 PM
I just recently got out of jail... and so this piece catches my fancy quite well. Nine.
Re: A tribute to our most precious Pearl by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:07 PM
Dovina, correct me if i'm wrong. I stated that I've posted it unedited since having written it last year. This was so that you could read the original piece that was written. This was what I wrote spontaneously for her and had done nothing about it since then. But, all the same, I've said that critique's views are welcome. I agree, I wrote it in a time of deep sorrow, but then, that doesn't mean you can't tell me what portions need editing or what you feel about the poem. When I wrote this and the many other pieces of mine, I had no one to actually guide me, and there was no feed back. I rely on you guys to give me a frank opinion. So be free (and unsympathetic) to air your opinion, especially when asked for. I would really appreciate this.
Re: May I Help by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:15 PM
Good work. Seems to be better than the last couple of piece you've posted here.
regarding some deleted poem...	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:26 PM
Alchemy, ha ha.... I don't know what to think of this. Is this poetry? Give me a little insight into this. Or maybe, its because i'm very tired. I've been travelling with my three year old for the past one week, especially the last 18 hrs, and have just got back home. Wouldn't be fair to vote now.
Re: Three Skinheads by Caducus	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:34 PM
I think I get the idea of what you're trying to present, but its too elaborately written. Putting it in as few words as possible could also be effective. The theme behind it is good.
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:42 PM
A beautiful piece, although I think the last few lines could be rephrased a bit.
Re: Jailbird by zodiac	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/8:52 PM
Tell me, was she( or is it he) really Inside. or was it that she was away and you waited anxiously to reunite, causing you to go off track, like, doing something different.....redecorating, smoking, etc. I might be going totally off-track myself, but I'm trying to reason it out metaphorically. The piece is good, though.
Re: My Reason by PoeticXTC	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	22-Jan-06/9:44 PM
A bit of an odd piece. Seems like love has been a disappointment, and that you are either angry at yourself or with him. Maybe it could have been more clearer.
Re: On Golden Bond by jmalone	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/8:03 AM
Lose all the "On Golden Pond" references(i.e. Title and last line of stanza 1)and you've got yourself a really good poem.
Re: Topper Fey by ALChemy	AngelicVampiress 216.109.10.61	23-Jan-06/8:06 AM
*8* =)