Re: My Hand of god by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/8:09 AM
It'd make a good lyric.
Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/8:58 AM
This is nice writing but I wished you would have approached it differently. I wish you would've written it in a schizo manner. Like- "He snakes his head, they're in his bed, gibbergarberish. With eyes deep red. he fights and kicks, they shout and spit, And take his family Into their midst. With unhair kept, mood, damnedest He rights his life by hr.-ly tests"... For more of an idea see schizo poet Ernst Herbeck: http://garysullivan.blogspot.com/2005/11/three-more-ernst-herbeck-translations.html http://www.fascicle.com/issue01/Poets/herbeck1.htm
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/9:11 AM
Brilliant and witty. Yes we have been playing a fools game haven't we. You flip-flopped the "is" in "history".
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/10:13 AM
Griefs not grieves in line 1. Use a double line space instead of "..." after "Still you" Lose the "..." after "All this time what I have done". Either "through millions of tears fallen on This ocean of time. It can be something to see me now" or- "though a million tears has fallen on This ocean of time, it can be something to see me now" You are definately improving though.
Re: May I Help by Dovina	Prince of Void 213.207.224.156	23-Jan-06/10:18 AM
I love how you drew me thorogh the joy of poetry that's beauty goes to my heart..and I contact ur feelings are restless thorough ur poems
Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/10:34 AM
Sorry for my comment on your last one. I see now that you do want critique, and so I’ll give it. First, the basics: “unkept” should be “unkempt” I think, just to be traditional. And “labeled” should be “labeled.” Now for the gritty: “Mood, not his best, he lives his life, a real test” How does living his life as a test relate to his current mood? Maybe you did it like that just for the rhyme and to sound poetic. That's a blunt conclusion, and I'll retract if you show me how the sentence says something important. The following sentence, “Alas . . .” is a little sermon that could be better shown. (Actually, the last three verses are a sermon, and that’s not bad, except that I think giving more reasons for your conclusions would make them more palatable.) The next sentence, “He’s crying . . .” is better, but “want” should be “wants.”
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/10:44 AM
I suppose there’s no spell checkers in truck stops, so I’ll forgive “traveling” “hsitory's” “idiosyncracies” “schtick” and “Sechuan.” The funky spacing is a little harder.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/1:32 PM
Here you go: http://www.spellcheck.net/
Re: Gaze by AuntyM	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/2:07 PM
I've noticed the return of a lot of long time gone rankers lately. What, did you all get locked up for a couple years or something?
Re: Gaze by AuntyM	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/2:08 PM
Nice haiku by the way.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/2:15 PM
Recently, you told me you were happy that a new poem I had posted was not about God. Had to chuckle. This has a nice rhythm at the start, which seems to crumble a bit toward the end. A climax comes at, "Could we not then go on godless?" Of course I could say you are preaching, not showing, but I like preaching sometimes, and this is not too preachy. I understand "Surely such reward’s deserved" to mean "reward is" but "surely He deserves reward" sounds better to me. "For it is in God’s plan" seems like it needs "good" or something before "plan" for rhythm's sake. "and to send forth his good children" seems bland, I dunno. Try "some" in "Nor dream truth of any hereafter" instead of "any." The lone period after "best" seems awkward, it's the only one; likewise the comma after "wisdom." "that sees"? - try "who sees".
Re: My Hand of god by drnick	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/2:23 PM
This is really good, and vindicates the one who I thought might be a psycho in your last poem. I especially like Verse 2 because it conveys in a very subtle way something I've heard said in very preachy texts and to less effect.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	AuntyM 152.163.100.6	23-Jan-06/2:32 PM
I like this one.
Re: On Golden Bond by jmalone	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/2:35 PM
The first two lines of Verse 2 are good, but I don't understand the last two.
Re: Temporary moments by Prince of Void	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/2:48 PM
I like the start of this, but it degrades as it goes on. Let me do a little alchemy: Deep inside the grieves of moments On early morning light of dawn Breaking upon the waves of sea Deep within the dream of me The path that led to show What time can sometimes bring That led to ruin and Empty moments flowing over past Rising, falling dying in me All this time I had what I couldn't see Beyond my senses, what I grieve Was to know why you are gone All l loved was you Still you … All this time what I have done... Was to draw you back again Waiting thorough a million tears This ocean of time can be something If only to see me now
Re: My Hand of god by drnick	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	23-Jan-06/3:19 PM
Is this what you say to your patients Doc? Yikes.
Re: Untitled by frahj	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/4:30 PM
Raise the seat please, then lower it when finished. Thank you.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/4:38 PM
Nice ending. I'd call it a prose poem.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:54 PM
Not bad.
Re: a week off by hendrimike	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:55 PM
Don't double space. We're not that kind of grading.