Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:56 PM
Help for life: Go out some, get a bagel, talk to strangers. Help for poetry: Read a lot. It's not like this.
Re: Untitled by frahj	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:57 PM
Don't you have one of those guys in there with the towel and monkey-suit? No? What kind of opulence is that?
Re: On Golden Bond by jmalone	zodiac 209.193.9.154	23-Jan-06/5:59 PM
I think you're confused. Bond wasn't golden, only his gun.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:24 PM
Hmmm. To be fair, I'm reactively biased against these "overheard" kind of poems, because they always strike me as false intimacy, and instead of feeling "privileged" to be privy to the conversation, I instead always feel squicky, as if I'm trapped, unnoticed, in the stall and have no choice but to listen, out of my own embarrassment or my vicarious embarrassment for you. That said, some nice lines, a few cliches that could go (drunk on moonlight is probably the most glaring; forty and bottom heavy). Do cities dryly tick? They always seem more like a chorus of sounds to me--horns and voices and traffic. Snow ticks, but cities? I don't hear it. Not bad. ;-) But not your best.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:27 PM
Ummm--huh. I don't know--it reads to me like a series of punchlines unanchored by a joke. Interesting because it's so fucking weird, but I don't get a sense of the sense.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	drnick 24.176.22.254	23-Jan-06/6:28 PM
Pretty good...I agree with the not needing god part, mostly because "he" does absolutely nothing. It would be better if you didn't believe, and made this something about how we wont need religion when we can all live peacefully without it. Perhaps I will do something like that. Anywho, not bad...
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/6:31 PM
When one line ends without a pause and continues into the next line for its meaning, I have no problem. But when a verse ends without a pause and continues into the next verse for its meaning, rather than being end-stopped at the end of the verse, I find it cumbersome and distracting, especially when the lines are as long as they are in this poem. Since it is almost a prose poem, and seems therefore more bound to the rules of paragraphs, I’d suggest end-stopped verses. Otherwise good.
Re: All I Want by AngelicVampiress	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:34 PM
I bet it was cathartic to write this, but it's more diary entry than poem, really. I don't mean that in a mean way. The cutting is a good place to start and a great, strong image--play around with that, maybe; try to make it a little more symbolic or indirect, instead of telling us everything straight out the way you do. You don't have to get fancy, but make it strong by centering it on something: I have this knife-- a way to live my life high from letting my blood pour out see? Your words, but it starts in the midst of it, and it'll take you further than just pouring your heart out as you would to a friend, you know? Of course, you may have just written it to feel better. :) But if you really want to learn to write poetry, Zodiac is right--read good poetry. Good luck.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	23-Jan-06/6:39 PM
A frosty feel to it in two ways.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/6:43 PM
Really well done. Some quibbles with some language: "Your halberd bars, Adamantine, block my path"--the fancy words are incongruous because the rest of the poem uses such simple language. If this weren't being told from the creature's view, but the poet's, it probably wouldn't bother me, but your leopard seems a little too educated here. AlChemy already noted "scent the smell" "every creature on four feet’s fear" is a little awkward. Might want to play around w/ this and recast. I don't get "ice-glazed eyes." Nitpicks aside, good ending and some really good lines; really nicely done.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/7:05 PM
Yep, you've been reading Blake. ;-) You lose your meter here and there, and since you mostly stick to it, it's jarring when you go astray. Put a comma after your invocation (good children)--makes it immediately clear that you're speaking to them (it threw me off the first time). A nit. "Inherit the earth" IS a great biblical line, which is why it's so overused. As Dovina notes, it's deliberate preaching, which doesn't bother me, but I do wish the language was a little more fresh and compelling. Or that he ate the children in the end (sorry, it got me thinking of The Walrus and the Carpenter): "O Oysters," said the Carpenter, "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none-- And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	ecargo 172.145.101.86	23-Jan-06/7:11 PM
Starts off really clever and cute, with some nice alliteration and end-rhymes (garner, favor, harder), but those elements seem to get lost in the rest of it. The last six stanzas don't meet the promise of the first two (although the last stanza picks up the similar sounds again, in peace, sheep, please and I do note the fleas/bees/please rhyme, but they're too far apart; not saying you need to endstop the rhymes, but maybe work them a little closer somehow). I do like how you looked to other critters for comparison.
Re: Topper Fey by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/12:57 AM
Al, isn't it supposed to spell Fay rather than Fey? Or is this unconnected to Oh Merry Fay. This piece is pretty good, though i should agree with cyan9 that towards the end it does stand out a bit. Also, punctuating the end of each verse might be needed.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/1:13 AM
Seems like you want them to be anything but rams. Good luck with that.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/1:30 AM
Alchemy,something quite different but good. I've been reading the comments and must agree that its a bit preachy. But thats how it goes on and off....so no second thoughts to that. I did get the last four lines and thats what gave the punch to the poem when I first read it. I reread the last half to my husband- the part from 'Now children you have grown.....' as that's what gave me the comparisons. I might as well give you a ten... you've given me something to think about.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/1:33 AM
And to you drnick, I'm tempted to say that there's no such thing as live peacefully without religion. These days, man does not rely on God but on his (man's)own capabilities and "brains", all in the name of religion. Put God into the scene and give Him total control and then we'll know the difference. "Take your breath, you return to clay And your plans today come to nothing." Think about this.
Re: A Schizophrenic by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	24-Jan-06/1:44 AM
This is more like a struggling mood. I've been struggling to understand a schiz - and its portrayed in how I wrote it. :-)
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/9:57 AM
You've inspired me to write a haiku. A 10 for doing the impossible. The last two lines in stanza 2 throw the rhythm off a little. I think "stands, locked and stillness" pretty much say the same thing so you could probably get away with losing one or two of those words and making the last two lines one. But let me know if you had a specific reason for those two lines and I'll change my mind.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	24-Jan-06/11:15 AM
Yay. Really enjoyed this one.
Re: Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite	Dovina 69.175.32.104	24-Jan-06/11:23 AM
I wish you would not recycle all of your poems in one day. Give us a break!