Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	INTRANSIT 69.33.36.2	24-Jan-06/1:01 PM
Well, there went a perfectly good 6.0
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	INTRANSIT 69.33.36.2	24-Jan-06/1:18 PM
e-c has most of it nailed but, "choose me a mate"? Drop the -me- and i shant be bugged a-more.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	INTRANSIT 69.33.36.2	24-Jan-06/1:21 PM
maybe someday I'll get to a poem first and actully have something to say.
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/2:39 PM
Second verse, same as the first. 'Cept w/ spell check.
Re: Small-town Postal Clerk Considers Inspiration by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	24-Jan-06/3:15 PM
One thing I find impressive about you is that you speak a handful of languages, have an extensive vocabulary and have credentials to back it up and yet you rarely ever speak over peoples head. You are born to teach.
Re: The Glass by dancin_n_da_moonlite	INTRANSIT 69.33.36.2	24-Jan-06/4:21 PM
Blow this up. by that I mean add to it. talk more about the rim or the fit or scratches. this could be a meat and potatoes meal. add everything you can think of. then post again and I'll do what I can to help.
Re: I Remembered, Upon Waking by Alizarin_Crimson	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/8:02 PM
The poem is well written... though it gave me the idea of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Well written and a good theme.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	elderking 209.79.199.69	24-Jan-06/9:20 PM
I liked this alot. Very good.
regarding some deleted poem...	elderking 209.79.199.69	24-Jan-06/9:23 PM
Very well written...I felt all the emptiness.
regarding some deleted poem...	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	24-Jan-06/10:17 PM
Michael, first of all, welcome to this site. This is very poetic and yes, colourful. I love painting, and this does indeed appeal to me. Fallen out of love, haven't you, or am I wrong?
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	24-Jan-06/10:57 PM
Nice...I think you need to get rid of some pronouns, clean it up a little. I really like the concept, and the rhyme.
Re: Insanity by Lifeboatman	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/12:17 AM
Poetry-wise, this might be good (still, I'm not saying it is), but matter-wise, it stinks!
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/5:06 AM
Pictures paint a thousand words but a story is a thousand pictures. If you laminated your love it would have lasted longer(don't ask me what that means, I don't know). A sweet poem. A lot of cliches in it but most of the time love is a cliche. I feel your pain brotha.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	ecargo 167.219.0.143	25-Jan-06/6:36 AM
Almost there Joe. Consider losing some of the modifiers (neatly, old abandoned--why not just abandoned?--restful (not that restful if you're up listening to the trains), etc.. Why "inexplicably" makes its (no apos. for the possessive "its"). "feel life in the ground beneath you" is nice. Needs more buildup/connection to the nursery rhyme aspects--they seem to come out of nowhere.
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/6:43 AM
Fascinating. This would be a great introduction to a story.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	ecargo 167.219.0.143	25-Jan-06/6:51 AM
Amanda D'Costa! You stick with the metaphor all the way through and obviously put time into the meter and rhyme scheme, and the story/voice is nice. Simple is good, but the endstopped rhymes are too basic (for me anyway). I like simple rhymes too, but if there isn't some interesting language/imagery for contrast, they usually fall flat. A good example is Frost's most famous, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"--the rhymes are simple as can be, as is the meter (both of which absolutely fit the poem), but the language is so lyrical and fresh and the images so strong and original that the simple rhymes become part of the poem's strength). Stretch a bit. You've obviously got the interest and willingness to think about what you write--now take it to the next step. Which poets do you like to read? What is it about their work that works for you? That's always a good place to start.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/7:28 AM
"Everyone's a book of blood; whenever we're opened we're red." -Clive Barker from The Books of Blood. Kinda comes across as a nice kids poem. So in that way I don't mind the simpler rhymes :)
Re: In praise of racism by INTRANSIT	Caducus 80.168.173.207	25-Jan-06/7:33 AM
Different in style from you and the wit mixes well with the wisdom. I think the link from poin tot point needs a tidy though (example: their secret dimples until the lightbulb is screwed in Szechuan Some novel lines / expression use in this.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	Caducus 80.168.173.207	25-Jan-06/7:35 AM
Sonnet like and an eye debut from you to me. Good first impression
Re: Clouds by dancin_n_da_moonlite	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	25-Jan-06/8:19 AM
This sounds like somebody typed up the notes from a therapist's notepad. The only good part is the last stanza, because it posseses a modicum of originality...the rest is one inflated cliche.