regarding some deleted poem...	Alizarin_Crimson 71.131.189.202	25-Jan-06/8:22 AM
absolutely disgusting.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 80.168.173.207	25-Jan-06/8:32 AM
I felt like washing after writing it. I know someone this happened to too and realized you cant get close to someone closed - not completely anyway.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	25-Jan-06/9:22 AM
Well, this was more like- done at the spur of the moment. I thought of something and got connected and one to one the piece seemed to flow. Too simple and kiddish - but then, makes me also feel nostalgic about a lot of things gone by, stories that the book of my life would tell.
Re: A Sheep’s Wish by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	25-Jan-06/10:23 AM
This piece is written well, although there's times of break in flow and idea. Maybe with a bit of rearrangement of words you could do better.
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/10:28 AM
"Don't stand. Don't stand so close to me."
Re: The True Fate of Humpty Dumpty by Joe-joe	Dovina 17.255.240.6	25-Jan-06/10:35 AM
I find it funny. Too many words though, agreeing with ecargo. Starting with "there" seems better as "a sill hides neatly." "it's" is its, a common mistake. A story poem like this is better said with verbs simply used in simple sentences, and I think with minor changes you can do this.
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	Dovina 17.255.240.6	25-Jan-06/10:41 AM
Yes, I feel it. I feel your part, or the part of your old man in the poem. "your arrival came too late" could be just "you came too late" I think. I love when I feel a poet knows what he's portraying, and I love this.
Re: A Book's Plight by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 17.255.240.6	25-Jan-06/11:11 AM
Maybe you mean it as metaphor, but I doubt it. Seems an old man would ponder Jordan's River and wish he'd been read, absorbed, and written. Instead, he's just tried to make facinating and new what was neither. Elderking's recent poem is like this in feeling.
Re: Sinning Sinners and Their Sinful Sins by MacFrantic	Dovina 17.255.240.6	25-Jan-06/11:15 AM
Cute, though wordy, title. But the poem is not cute, but sad, arguing therby with the title.
Re: Sinning Sinners and Their Sinful Sins by MacFrantic	zodiac 209.193.14.133	25-Jan-06/11:20 AM
If you define 'sinning' as 'performing a sin', 'sinners' as 'people who sin', 'sinful' as 'full of sin' and 'sins' as 'more than one sin', your title becomes People Who Sin Performing a Sin and Their More Than One Sin Full of Sin
Re: Tree of Life by ALChemy	ecargo 167.219.0.143	25-Jan-06/12:03 PM
Ah, but birch leaves turn yellow in fall, not red. And you seldom see one alone (they like their own kind). Pedantic, sure. ;-D How 'bout a nice boxelder? No one ever writes about boxelders (except maybe Stephen Malkmus).
Re: Pacifics by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.101.159	25-Jan-06/12:06 PM
I've been trying to check out your old stuff a little bit at a time just to get more of a feel for your writing. This I think is the closest thing to a 70s pop song you've ever written but I think you were probably feeling like one at the time. It was still a great read. The half rhyme scheme was ace.
Re: A moment, homeward by ecargo	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/5:55 PM
It's a good piece. Well written and has some good stuff too. I was taken aback by the 'crows'. I had never pictured 'crows' with snow, as we have hoardes of them here where its pretty hot. The last verse is beautiful. Reminded of the 'solitary reaper' - william wordsworth.
Re: Glitterati by ecargo	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/6:02 PM
Not bad! Although I wonder why the 4th verse should have a pesimistic tone to it. It's not usual for people to go to bed wondering if they'll ever get up. I could be wrong. Enlighten me.
Re: Tree of Life by ALChemy	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	25-Jan-06/6:10 PM
Does this have to be precicely accurate or correct in matter, i mean about the red/yellow leaves? I wouldn't know the difference. See, you guys are influencing my vote thought now. I might have commented spontaneously but now I keep wondering whether the matter is correct. All the same... its good. Poetic imagery of bright red leaves then it is!
Re: Tree of Life by ALChemy	Dovina 17.255.240.138	25-Jan-06/6:30 PM
Tree of Life could be from Genesis and Eden, or it could be the evolutionary tree of species. I go with the latter, but it's vague.
Re: Glitterati by ecargo	Dovina 17.255.240.138	25-Jan-06/6:43 PM
Dusel is one of those easy-to-be-bored-with party yuppies that spoil most parties with fluff and smirk at poets, and are the reason I seldom go to parties anymore, unless they're about something more. I'm surprised you didn't point out the poets' disruptive potential, unless you're saying they're the complicit kind who are no different from Dusel.
Re: Unfortunate Lover by elderking	god'swife 71.103.98.44	25-Jan-06/7:01 PM
This is very sweet. And I'd venture to guess a common experience these days. All the woman I know who are married are married to younger men. You portray your feelings so sweetly that I was left feeling- "I know why he loves her". Would your younger self have been able to appreciate this relationship as you do now ? It's wonderful when a poem has a hidden dimension tucked into it. I'm sure it's un-intentional but it's there. the last line in the 2nd stanza- You might consider continuing the metaphor of seasons representing ages, and instead of the adj. 'earlier' try 'spring' or 'summer'etc... The first line of the last stanza- This is a tiny thing but I think saying "won't" instead of "can't" sounds more certain, and that shows the woman in the poem accepting herself and the fact that this man loves her as is. Also in this stanza you mix tenses slightly. The 3rd line would reflect better on the 1st with 'your love will soften'
Re: Rain by dancin_n_da_moonlite	god'swife 71.103.98.44	25-Jan-06/7:21 PM
Looks are deceiving.
Re: Thinking by dancin_n_da_moonlite	god'swife 71.103.98.44	25-Jan-06/7:22 PM
I not a fan of poems that reflect a thought directly. I wan't a story. Where's the story?