ALChemy
on You. by Sway
26 Jan 2006, 6:24 AM
Good but lose the rhymes or find better ones.
Dude, you need to distinguish the Old Testament from the New. (although I admit I didn't read it all, wayyy too long and repetitive....)
Your very last comparison is wrong, because "An eye for an eye" is related to Judaism. Jews never "turned the other cheek", that was purely Christian and belonged to the later New Testament.
So you don't really have any conflict here.
P.S. Same for that John bit about the graves coming forth.
Nice, except the punchline ending.
What do you think commas do, actually?
Sorry, couldn't get into it.
This is nutty. Nothing makes sense.
Very cool. Well written, but i can't figure out what it's about. You've had some kind of epiphany apparently(I'm assuming you're the protagonist in this poem)I can't figure out who your talking to. Who's door are going to lay the blame at?
Hmmm. Not bad
Hey, good call! The Bible IS full of contradictions!
Metaphors sweetie, metaphors. As sweet as...
Thin like....etc.
Also 'laid' rhymes enough with 'plain' that you don't need to use the word 'lain'. When i read that line I laughed, and that doesn't seem to be your intention.
Also what does rhythm have to do with feeling emotions?
If this poem is about something you have experienced then write about what happened to make you feel this way about him.
Man, you've got some cool lines: cracked me open with a ragged chord. I always hear bongos behind your breathless rushes--is that a good thing? You probably play well to the spoken word crowd with these surreal streams.
Uh... well there's certainly plenty of scenery. I've read this 3 times and i still don't know what it's talking about.
what does it do?
What have you been smokin'?
The first parts well down, but then it kind of becomes nonsense. What happened to the sill in the first line?
It's very difficult to take this seriously.