Adriaan
on Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman
6 Feb 2006, 7:32 AM
OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
A lot of extra words here. I'd start by dropping almost all the adjectives. Or changing them so they surprise us. Otherwise, good enough.
Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
If I could sing sweetest of all I'd give you the Corpus Christi better than even the mighty Buckley managed. Sadly, nineteen-year-old chaps are not noted for having heavenly voices. I bet that zzinnia can sing, ask her.
Sweet enough.
It's a nice three-liner, but it isn't a metaphor. Change the first three words; the idea of a haiku is that it is metaphorical.
By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
London isn't great, but Cardiff's little better. The only difference being that I can get out of Cardiff fast if I want, whereas London's a claustrophobic maze. I must disagree with the women all being skanks though, one of my best friends lives there and she's gorgeous.
I'm sure that was rewarding for you, but it reads for us kind of like a pop song. My suggestions are (1) don't ever include anything in a poem that you've already heard or read before ever, and that includes your first line. Aren't there more original things to tell your guy to do? Yes, there are.
(2) An easy way to frame a poem that's coming out cliche so it doesn't seem cliche is to change its perspective. Rather than writing it as an address to a guy, make it about two other people - say, Angela and Steve. Make them a lot like you. Think of what their predicament means in the larger picture. One of the advantages of this method is that it makes it less embarrassing to read in public.
You're going to be tempted to say here, But I'm just writing for myself and how I feel. Don't. We're nice people here and want to read your poem. Consider how we feel reading this. Do we relate? Do we feel kind of like we would seeing two people be mushy in public? What would interest and provoke us? As a guy, I can tell you, that's what would interest and provoke your guy, too.
(3) Add details. Lots. People think the more universal a poem is, the more impact it has. Usually the opposite is true. My idea of a really great poem - say, "Dover Beach" - is about something I've never done; that is, sat in a house on Dover Beach at night. Here ( http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
this started great and faded really fast.
I love the ebb and flow of this poem!
'To such an extend thereâs no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
I've got to agree with richa - why the first two lines? 'Shaky-kneed', rather than one word. 'Sooner press enter than escape' I really like, and the occasional rhymes are catchy!
Short and sweet.
I have been there in thought and deed. I prefer the end of this poem to the beginning.
I quite like this.
Okay, nicely descriptive although a little simple (sorry, that sounds harsh - it's not meant to). I'd love to see you use more in the way of metaphor; see what other people write and experiment as you go. Keep at it though, this is a better start than most (including mine...)
Yes, the thinker's comeback. Nice sharp ending.
Should be longer, either you're a delinquent or you have far too much money for your own good! 8 years? That's a hell of a course!