Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	Adriaan 198.54.202.18	6-Feb-06/7:18 AM
I love the ebb and flow of this poem! 'To such an extend there’s no more left' - should that not be 'extent'? You use 'away' twice ('push you away' and 'stolen away'). I think it would be better to use another word in the second instance.
Re: Morning Glory by waltfreakinwhitman	Adriaan 198.54.202.18	6-Feb-06/7:32 AM
OK, I admit it. You got me. I laughed out loud.
Re: Idle Time by Angelicasassy	zodiac 209.193.9.218	6-Feb-06/7:33 AM
A lot of extra words here. I'd start by dropping almost all the adjectives. Or changing them so they surprise us. Otherwise, good enough.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/7:52 AM
If the desert swallows rain, where is its throat and more importantly itsstomach and bum.
Re: Tonight (edit) by drnick	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/7:53 AM
Are you the doctor nick that deals with boys problems by prescribing them your book 'how to live with a willy'.
Re: Anonymous Love by Angelicasassy	zodiac 209.193.9.218	6-Feb-06/7:54 AM
I'm sure that was rewarding for you, but it reads for us kind of like a pop song. My suggestions are (1) don't ever include anything in a poem that you've already heard or read before ever, and that includes your first line. Aren't there more original things to tell your guy to do? Yes, there are. (2) An easy way to frame a poem that's coming out cliche so it doesn't seem cliche is to change its perspective. Rather than writing it as an address to a guy, make it about two other people - say, Angela and Steve. Make them a lot like you. Think of what their predicament means in the larger picture. One of the advantages of this method is that it makes it less embarrassing to read in public. You're going to be tempted to say here, But I'm just writing for myself and how I feel. Don't. We're nice people here and want to read your poem. Consider how we feel reading this. Do we relate? Do we feel kind of like we would seeing two people be mushy in public? What would interest and provoke us? As a guy, I can tell you, that's what would interest and provoke your guy, too. (3) Add details. Lots. People think the more universal a poem is, the more impact it has. Usually the opposite is true. My idea of a really great poem - say, "Dover Beach" - is about something I've never done; that is, sat in a house on Dover Beach at night. Here ( http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?id=123570 ) is another really good poem that I relate to, but which has little to do with my own experience. That's the idea. (4) Lastly, don't ever include ellipses ("...") in your poem. That's easy to fix. Almost any punctuation works in the same way. Also, putting stanza breaks for pauses works. Anyway, sorry about blabbering all over your poem. Welcome to poemranker. Hope this helped.
Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/8:05 AM
By the way you should learn what a haiku is, that and a metaphor.
Re: can you sing me a song by richa	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/8:18 AM
If I could sing sweetest of all I'd give you the Corpus Christi better than even the mighty Buckley managed. Sadly, nineteen-year-old chaps are not noted for having heavenly voices. I bet that zzinnia can sing, ask her.
Re: as you are by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/8:21 AM
Sweet enough.
Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/8:27 AM
It's a nice three-liner, but it isn't a metaphor. Change the first three words; the idea of a haiku is that it is metaphorical.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/8:31 AM
I've got to agree with richa - why the first two lines? 'Shaky-kneed', rather than one word. 'Sooner press enter than escape' I really like, and the occasional rhymes are catchy!
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/8:37 AM
London isn't great, but Cardiff's little better. The only difference being that I can get out of Cardiff fast if I want, whereas London's a claustrophobic maze. I must disagree with the women all being skanks though, one of my best friends lives there and she's gorgeous.
Re: as you are by Adriaan	Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239	6-Feb-06/8:56 AM
Short and sweet.
Re: the shadowless night by crwncka1	Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239	6-Feb-06/9:04 AM
this started great and faded really fast.
Re: Secrets by joydoll	Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239	6-Feb-06/9:07 AM
I have been there in thought and deed. I prefer the end of this poem to the beginning.
Re: Three words and thirty coins by Caducus	Angelicasassy 132.170.163.239	6-Feb-06/9:09 AM
I quite like this.
Re: Idle Time by Angelicasassy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/9:28 AM
Okay, nicely descriptive although a little simple (sorry, that sounds harsh - it's not meant to). I'd love to see you use more in the way of metaphor; see what other people write and experiment as you go. Keep at it though, this is a better start than most (including mine...)
Re: Pendragon by ecargo	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/9:42 AM
Yes, nice. Not sure about 'drown in pain'...far too overused, and I thought from the title that there'd be reference to Excalibur in here, is that the intention of the final three lines?
Re: Inoperative Head Mechanism by D. $ Fontera	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/9:51 AM
Yes, the thinker's comeback. Nice sharp ending.
Re: a waste of time by hendrimike	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/9:57 AM
Should be longer, either you're a delinquent or you have far too much money for your own good! 8 years? That's a hell of a course!