Re: FAITH by click64	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/9:59 AM
You capitalise 'Faith' and 'Pain', but not 'god'?!?
Re: Untitled by click64	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/10:05 AM
Right, the one part of this that stood out for me is the start of stanza 2; I assume you mean arranged marriages, right? Write about that, write about how it's (from your perspective) such an undesirable thing, write about the injustice you face. But the trick is to do what Dovina has said here: be original. Take it out of the first-person for starters...the 'top down' third-person poems generally suit this theme much more.
Re: UntitledPartTwo by click64	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/10:13 AM
There are a couple of good lines here but the rest isn't as good. See the comments on 'Untitled' to get the gist of it. Grammatical points - 'Wouldn't of' should be 'wouldn't have'. Line 17 'I trust the wrong people who I can't trust' makes no sense. The last line isn't good; don't end with a 'life' question...ever. It doesn't make for good reading. On the plus side, the first line is very promising. You could do this a lot better...in my opinion you should move away from talking about the issue as itself and instead use metaphorical language. Finally, try to come up with a title for your poems. A lot of good poets tend to use the title as a quick explanation of what the poetic metaphor means.
Re: Legless Insecurity by PoeticXTC	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/10:17 AM
The title led me to expect a more humorous poem. Not to say that it's a bad poem, of course. I'm assuming it's about a bully/jock/whatever kind of idiot you come across every day. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong. Even though it's a bit of a cliche, I liked the way you change direction in line 4; the poem just feels like it needs another couple of lines somewhere.
Re: Bondage by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/10:19 AM
I liked this one.
Re: Tales From The Outhouse by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/10:43 AM
If I could I would vote this 10 thrice over, once for the poeme, once for the timeline comment, and once for making me laugh until Mount Brownesuvius threatened to blow. Armageddon!
Re: "46 million babies a year" by -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/11:04 AM
One more embrowned gasp of astonishment from the eerie bowels of Hell.
regarding some deleted poem...	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-Feb-06/12:22 PM
Personally, if I were a retard, I wouldn't want my best friend to degrade the little self respect I might have in me. Defining one, that too your best friend, as a vegetable in degrading terms like mollusc or spastic is to take note of unpleasant things and situations of his handicap. Just because you don't wear a nappy, doesn't mean you don't do the same job. Besides, when you're drunk, God forbid you do, don't you also dribble at BOTH ends? Unpleasnatness is not something to be noted, rather what you can learn out of this and better yourself. Moreover, take the time to appreciate another for his inner qualities, rather than his external appearances. Sorry for the negative critisism. I just couldn't let you get away with such stuff.
Re: An Understanding Woman by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-Feb-06/12:28 PM
It's good. I liked it. By the way... congrats. You hit a double century! This is your 200th post on poemranker. Keep up the good work!
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	Adriaan 198.54.202.18	6-Feb-06/12:34 PM
Hi Ranger, I love your poem - it really paints a picture for me. I think it would read easier if you split it into stanzas. The natural points (to my eye) were after With a pale flame and 'Hail Mary'; As the sunset sets a flame on cross /*cross on flame?*/; But Miriam finds herself under streetlights; She thinks it's better with two; Bathed in silk, blessed by musk; Miriam; Hailing Mary. I also thought that 'As the darkness is failing, wailing' would be better without the 'wailing'. Somehow the line 'She thinks it's better with two' doesn't work for me. Thanks, Adriaan
Re: Hailing Miriam by Ranger	Adriaan 198.54.202.18	6-Feb-06/12:36 PM
I admit that I had to read the explanation of Lorelei to understand the reference, however once I had done so I understood... she is no longer luring men to their (little?) deaths.
Re: Sonnet by zodiac	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-Feb-06/12:37 PM
I think I need explanation. I thought a sonnet had a distinctive rhyme pattern. (14 lines). That I see here. But the alternate rhyming between lines 1-12 is not clear. If I'm wrong about my idea ofa sonnet, please correct me. I find it rather confusing to understand a good sonnet, as I see different style wherever I check it out. This seeems to be a good piece from the vtes that I see, nevertheless, I want to make sure of what I'm voting. Till then...
Re: Pendragon by ecargo	Dovina 69.175.32.104	6-Feb-06/12:38 PM
I waive my rights - tunic and cloak – simplistic and cliché. Whoever wrote those words had a grip on what matters. A descent poem.
Re: Sonnet by zodiac	Dovina 69.175.32.104	6-Feb-06/12:56 PM
The word "bored" spoils it. The last sentence can go, I think - leaves it more mysterious. Klar-ed???
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-Feb-06/1:19 PM
Very good...the second stanza is better in my opinion than the first. Nicely readable, just the right length and a biting finish. Also, if I've posted another comment very similar to this one it's because my Internet Exploder is on top form...
Re: time (3rd draft) by Adriaan	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/2:50 PM
It looks more like a haiku. Haikus demand economy. They often have two images the second cutting across the first. They have no message as such. They are sensory. If you think you have some interesting wisdom do an epigram.
Re: I Heart You by Enkidu	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/2:51 PM
Does the narrator have Parkinson's.
Re: Whales in Gastineau Channel by zodiac	richa 81.178.221.104	6-Feb-06/3:10 PM
Isn't it more fragile (I know you put in fragiler for a reason but I am at a loss, other than to make the poem more idiosyncratic, what that reason is). And the last sentence doesn't do it. There is no need to talk of your ache, it is inferred by your opposition to 'something always fragiler'. I think the poem would end better keeping on the theme of others yen for fragility. Then don't touch it. The details are fine.
Re: Blackbirds III by jmalone	celticskatermatt1 68.8.219.40	6-Feb-06/8:02 PM
pretty swell
regarding some deleted poem...	celticskatermatt1 68.8.219.40	6-Feb-06/8:20 PM
what a joke...