The title is very appealing, but the delivery? - well. He is apparently like Atlas, has his own telescope, but unlike telescopes, his is not a receiver of light, but a beacon lit. "Thin gold ring"? - brass maybe. Cocerels are young male chickens, which do not crow like the roosters they become. Still, the astronomer dying at dawn is a good image, which perhaps you can build upon.

freeze-with breeze heard-this bird seems-Although his dreams ...!! blue-and through flight-contrite...!!! awhile-of trials (I'd make them one or the other...follow through if you are going to do that, as they are rather abrupt in places, and are jarring, to me.) lines 3 and 4 stumble, try something like: With the breeze they softly stirred Never a sound so sweet was heard I read everlasting world as everlasting word...which would work too. Revise and I could see giving this a better score...it has potential, but just needs to pull together better. Work on the flow...make it go down more smoothly.

Interesting...

The ending is a bit weak.

Is it possible to centre poems on here? Or do they always have to be left aligned?

I love: "the great ice cube mountain/And the family carriage gasped" and "Charm the old gentleman..." No idea about aligning though, I'm afraid.

I thought this was going to be a poem about <~> at first...

Acid drops are an old-fashioned kind of candy.

through which his gaze directed...?

I think your trying to deal with too many myths and stories in one poem and it needs line breaks, grammar, (i am one to talk on grammar) but their is something their most definitely.

This one has a title to die for and the poems pretty good with a rhyme scheme that dont seem forced. Corvids are my favourite group of birds - mistaken.

This called for better than you gave in the last line...please consider stating the fact: maternity ward, in some other way, (the blue booties dropped to the floor, dropped from her hand...something to state maternity ward...and then work on a fitting ending. This is such unique perspective..which I most enjoy tackling, myself. It asked to be re-read...and that is a good sign, if you ask me. It challenges beliefs and perspectives on what life is and means here...good stuff. Do it justice at the end. It's reads like (camera fades) instruction in a theatre production or filming. It went from real, and puzzling to shocking and thought provoking to...(camera fades)...it deserves more.

...And for some reason, I identify completely with this poem. Made me think.

I agree with LilMissLady. I especially liked the fourth stanza ("snake-hipped weaver"!) but I feel your poem lacks the cohesiveness it should have, in that I'm not left with any sort of lingering concept or thought at the end of the poem. No vote, because I think this can be better.

What's a "rosehip mist"? I looked it up and this is what I got: http://www.nzpacific.com/details.php?id=185&which=product I dont think "prism" is the right word. A prism is the object that devides the light, not the rainbow of color. You could try maybe Prismacolor which is a brand name but it basically means a rainbow of color. You could also say kaleidoscope or polychrome. The rest is really good.

Question: Is this about Iraq?

It's long; but the fact that I read the whole thing through says something. I think I preferred this as a poem, though; as a story, it's just too full of cliches to sweep me along. The idea is very romantic, and I think with some polish this piece could improve. A good place to start would be with the opening paragraph, which I find clumsy. The redundancy and repetition of "defined by many definitions", "its more pain than I can bear... I cannot bear the pain I feel... this pain I feel" detracts from the body of the poem and is not an adequate introduction. However, like I said, it does show potential, and the final paragraph is very sweet :-)

more spelling: "suits FARE no better..." I loved the first stanza!

ooh! me likee!

I am working my way down (newest to oldest) the list of your stuff on here...in case that isn't obvious by now. This isn't one of my favorites, thus far. It just isn't my cup of tea, perhaps. It just doesn't stand out like the others. It IS a bit of fun...and the humour is funny in a Robinhood/'men in tights' kind of way. I don't understand why you talk of jet planes at the onset, but then stay within typical fairie tale format after that, never mentioning a tie to that plane again. Perhaps say "The fairies joined in like biting gnats, to cast/buzz their spells about my head." ?... something to give a distinct entry and personality to them. (As they are they just look thrown in there, and seem incomplete and insignificant.) (castles, dwarves, and all) or (castle's dwarves and all?) >my stallion and I (If it was intentional it is just not cute enough to work here. Maybe "me and my stallion" would put a childish spin on it without making us roll our eyes...?)