Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	patty t 70.30.214.253	1-Apr-06/10:59 PM
love how the last line collapses
Re: From Womb To Wood by Caducus	rahson_s 72.68.197.36	2-Apr-06/10:27 PM
I liked this alot..
Re: Happiness & Old Age by Caducus	rahson_s 72.68.197.36	2-Apr-06/10:28 PM
softly put, i enjoyed the read.. bravo.\\
Re: A Country Anecdote by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/1:55 AM
The only thing I'm not sure about here is that you start in the present tense, then go to reminiscing about the past...and I got the impression that he left you/you left him, in which case he can't wake with you as stanza 1 suggests. I may well have missed something (poems longer than about 3 words always require me to read them twice), if so disregard what I said. If it is the case that the two of you split, change stanza 1 to the past tense. Also - 'lumpy arm' didn't go down well, not at all graceful. I guess maybe he wasn't graceful, but if you were in love I'm sure you could have found something more flattering. Other than that, great! It feels rather like a neo-folk song.
Re: Monsters by raven_the_poet	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Line 19 ('arteries') seems to be without a rhyming partner line, have I missed it? Nice style of writing, as has been said it's not the most gripping subject matter (it felt like you were playing a computer game in some places) but then again, master art takes mundane and mediocre themes and turns them into fantastic works. Keep writing, you've got great potential!
Re: Fiery Hands by Sunny	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:08 AM
There are some top lines here (you seem to be pretty consistent at coming up with good stuff!) but some bits don't keep up the standard. And I really don't like the disjointed stanza endings - personally I'd turn them into properly punctuated stanzas (as Dovina suggested). Excellent imagery though. It's great to see poetry like yours here.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:10 AM
Good description, nicely vivid. Is there another meaning that I'm not seeing? The last line is great to read aloud.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:12 AM
I'm not sure about the initial rhymes. And 'four lips on lips...'? I think I've misunderstood that bit. Super ending though.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:16 AM
Reads like a diary entry up to the last stanza. The first two lines are a great intro, but the main body feels like it could do with a little...well, poetic exaggeration. You don't have to go over the top with it, but in my opinion it could do with a little more embellishment with the factual aspect.
Re: A child's father by rahson_s	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:20 AM
Yes, this isn't at all bad. The title's a bit awkward (a child automatically has a father, and to be a father requires having a child). I think you're going for the emotive effect there; in which case 'A Son's Father' would probably work better. Good content, it feels a little too informal in places (I mean, I'm thirty-three', 'never once') but they aren't hugely important criticisms - just how I read it.
Re: Once by xXxDemonicAngelxXx	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:24 AM
If you're looking for feedback I'd recommend giving some first. This is okay, not my style really but there are some good lines. 'You once were the savio(u)r of the day' reads nicely. 'here every sound' should be 'hear every sound'. Too many cliches though, invent rather than take what you've heard before.
Re: 9/11 - The Jumpers by Caducus	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/2:27 AM
'Kodak graves' is great, as is 'Allah...his beard an omen in clouds' (regardless of whether or not they were actually cirrhus). I'd agree about the last stanza though. Stanza three is magnificent.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.131.60.114	3-Apr-06/3:04 AM
This is stunning in its simplicity.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:15 AM
I like the simplicity of this. Should probably be "simple" not "simplified" (if simplified is "made simple," then "kept it [made simple]" is a little redundant. Professional nitpicker, what can I say? ;) Happy National Poetry month: http://www.poets.org/calendar.php
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:21 AM
Vivid description of a storm. Cat-like threw me off, but I think you set it up with "cagier." Purple rolling pillow sky--I could see those roiling cumulonimbus clouds--nice. The second stanza--a telephone conversation (over ground voice, crackling like (with?) static . . .)? I'm not sure what's moving, catching up, etc. I like the last line a lot, R. I find it hard to connect the title with the poem though, based on what's given.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:27 AM
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Some interesting word choices--pompous sun/damning high, scalloped might. "like all that obsidian" implies you're comparing something to an obelisk, but I'm not sure what. Some of the lines could be tweaked to be stronger, more direct (not sure about "peppering," for example; also, seems like "far lengthy" could be replaced by a single adjective). I like the collapsing ending too.
Re: Absolute Pants by Garrett S Sexton	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:36 AM
The title is the acest thing about it. Ciao. CIAO.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:40 AM
Think it's comprachicos, with an "r." Cool tie-in with therapy. Your poems are always interesting and original--the hardest thing to learn to do, I find. Or maybe it's about unlearning. The last line seems a little unoriginal, for you.
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	3-Apr-06/8:52 AM
Good metaphor, and you're very skilled at weaving them into your poems consistently, without overplaying them. Some terrific details. I love the sleeping pressed against cool walls--that evokes such an image of sharing sleep space for me. Second stanza is really good. Might want to think about dropping the second "tonight." small nit. I like the nod (intential or otherwise) to Shakespeare's "nothing like the sun" sonnet in stanza 3, and the personification of your obsession/insanity--ack, so awful to be obsessed w/ someone--it does feel like another, crazy person has taken you over. Very effective. I also like how the last stanza has a certain quietness, a dawn hush, after the strong words of the preceding (fanatically, compulsively), as if you're painfully, painstakingly building peace (a shelter) from chaos and strife and hurt. Good work, GW.