regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/10:47 AM
I had to look up "Endorphin." Here it is: "any of several peptides secreted in the brain that have a pain-relieving effect like that of morphine." The word seems too technical for a carefree Sunday afternoon. Otherwise very relaxed.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/10:53 AM
Miso? I assume that's a brand name. I'm not overly enamoured by the use of brand names in poetry, but other than that I think this works very effectively.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	3-Apr-06/10:56 AM
On first reading, I thought of a storm having some portent in lightning - cagy like a cat. Then I read your explanation, and the poem again. Frankly, I don't see the club scene even now. I think you've leaned too far on the side of poetry at the expense of leaving your readers without the sensation you want them to have.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:02 AM
'Pulling out the negatives...' - good passage. First sentence of paragraph 3 I don't like, unpleasant and somewhat cliched. I'd replace the repeated 'teardrop', the first time you use it is fine, after that it starts to wear, and makes the piece seem like you were struggling for words. Last line - "heaven's". Critique aside, I enjoyed this. 'memories that I barely recognised and had no desire to recollect'...I felt that line strike.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Ranger 86.131.52.197	3-Apr-06/11:14 AM
I'd better go and revisit Psalm 23 myself before I comment more on this. I like it a lot though.
regarding some deleted poem...	<~> 167.206.181.179	3-Apr-06/11:32 AM
nicely done, intransit. neither the endorphins nor the miso threw me, although i think you might want to de-capitalize it, just because it's been mistaken for a brand name.
regarding some deleted poem...	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/12:48 PM
"Miso horny!" I couldn't resist the Full Metal Jacket quote.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/1:19 PM
You start off great, with a natural voice and nice half rhyming but then you start Yoda talking and your rhymes get a little forced in the second half. Make the second half look a little more like the first half and I'll ace you.
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	3-Apr-06/2:11 PM
Amon? Did you know color was very symbolic to Ancient Egyptians. Here, I found you a link: http://www.egyptianmyths.net/colors.htm
regarding some deleted poem...	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	3-Apr-06/2:13 PM
if you can't find it, try- miso soup. I used to like Osuimono. Can't find it here. Miso is close enough though.
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	3-Apr-06/2:19 PM
Woad? Yes! It's twoo! It's twoo! If you changed the color and the setting,(not that you would, and barrow to borough, You get another poem. I love the saluki lean. remember Christof?
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	3-Apr-06/2:30 PM
the first -within- could be replaced with a semi-colon, I think. I'm no puncuation master. The last line, remove -almost-. It will speak louder and step better. Yeah, -corn, a few. Baaaad girl.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 86.141.200.191	4-Apr-06/4:07 AM
Some of us aid others in their future relationships and we become blueprints for their benefit as we coil in a bed filled with their smell and a wardrobe full of hangers that sing our loss. This was an important poem for me because hwat the word blueprint represents is cold and final and is how i viewed how i was with my ex. You carry many messages in this conveying loss but do it without self pity, just a stark realization that things are gonna change and the change is harder to accept when forced on you. Your ability to commentate on the undescribable is indeed poetic and moving. I went for the long on here lol. A rare 10 from me - i dont do 10s really anymore.
Re: The Unforgiven II by alvinb	cyan9 217.40.63.105	4-Apr-06/7:38 AM
The best thing Ive read on this site
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	cyan9 217.40.63.105	4-Apr-06/7:45 AM
Didn't really get this, it was cool, and an enjoyeable ride, I think Im glad that I havn't got it in the end + it grows on me. After reading your ecplanation I geuss to clarify it without giving away what you are talking about you might consider using a few more cat like terms e.g. feline, and also references to looking at the women.
regarding some deleted poem...	cyan9 217.40.63.105	4-Apr-06/7:48 AM
I geuss this isn't really meant to be a serious contender, it has some cute imagery like the tire tubes (tyre?) which stand out for better or for worse
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 86.141.200.191	4-Apr-06/8:31 AM
e-cargo echo from me. I feel like a waitress in the love dept.
regarding some deleted poem...	Caducus 86.141.200.191	4-Apr-06/8:32 AM
reads like a title for one of those moments that come and go every now and then and are seldom celebrated for just what they are - crazy nice moments. You do this kinda thing sweeter than a puppy's eyes.
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	Caducus 86.141.200.191	4-Apr-06/8:37 AM
last 3 lines wrap it up a treat.
Re: Because You Love Me by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.191	4-Apr-06/8:43 AM
Because this read so heartfelt and genuine it seemed elevated from greeting card style poetry to something more and i find myself drawn to the simplicity of it. I guess I'm saying simplicity can work - i think the meter helps and it would be even better with a couple of killer lines (less basic). It needs a core, a heart. The end line normally would make you sound dependant on someone else to feel loved but it kind of works for me though why do you love him? give us a reason and make the love tangible and felt more. Pretty good, flawed yet lovely.