Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	4-Apr-06/10:46 AM
Quite a realistic description to the psalm. It is the flow though that could be noted... a bit unbalanced. On the whole I like it.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 70.38.78.229	4-Apr-06/2:03 PM
The ending is better, except that your age seems irrlevant. Boyfriend should be one word, dont-ya-think?
Re: Kristi's Quiescence by matt door	raven_the_poet 216.45.130.159	4-Apr-06/5:28 PM
very beautiful <3
regarding some deleted poem...	MacFrantic 172.190.96.251	4-Apr-06/11:36 PM
Good, not great, but good. *7*
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	MacFrantic 172.190.96.251	4-Apr-06/11:40 PM
I love the last line, money. *9*
regarding some deleted poem...	MacFrantic 172.190.96.251	4-Apr-06/11:46 PM
A couple things irked me "explode out life" I get it but it's annoying. I think the part with "that their sipping chocolate milk" is a bit mixed up. Otherwise, very good. *7*
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	MacFrantic 172.190.96.251	4-Apr-06/11:50 PM
Wow, this is great, except for the way the first line is broken up. Would've done it differently. So, *9*
regarding some deleted poem...	MacFrantic 172.190.96.251	4-Apr-06/11:53 PM
Truly wonderful lines here "I know your eyes are not Oracular jewels. But still, in my heart Obession rules." So far, these may be some of my favorite lines ever. *10*
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:01 AM
Well, I didn't catch the club-theme going on here, but I still think this is a good poem. I like the third line. The last line is very good, I can relate to that. All that said, you've done much better than this.
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:06 AM
I liked this up until the second-to-last stanza, and I don't think I need to explain why. I like the fourth stanza the best, very nice.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:11 AM
I like it.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:23 AM
I really like this. I'm not sure that many people know what black and white camera film melting is like, so perhaps you would consider a different analogy. I like the "jerked from frame to frame" and "like children crying and the screeching of worn brakes." Very good imagry.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	drnick 141.218.35.109	5-Apr-06/10:33 AM
I like it, but...psalm? This makes me think of how I was growing up as a teenager, and the sequential maturing into my current relationship with them. The only thing is my mom never rubbed it in like this woman did.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	Dovina 70.38.78.229	5-Apr-06/11:41 AM
The first verse sets up a rhyme scheme, which I expected to see in the other verses, and missed in Verse 2. The last line changes from third to first person, repeating the previous line, making the poem personal, and losing the structure. I think it's best to stick with a structure, once started. A poem with nostalgic recall of earlier times can be very effective, but it's also a very common thing to do. I think it needs metaphor or unusual wording or specific events to set it off as being different.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dental Panic 84.27.6.94	5-Apr-06/12:04 PM
'someday they'll feel like the carpet in this truck stop. Heavily worn in some areas untouched in others.' memorable. I don't like the second stanza. I think it's redundant - like telling that you're gonna tell that the sun will set before telling that it'll set.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/4:49 AM
Spon is an old word i think from saxon times which means to meet, or to spon.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Apr-06/6:57 AM
I think this is quite good--it has music and good imagery, and you use a lighter, or maybe more oblique, hand than you often do. Stanza 1--I think you mean angry water verSUS, but I actually like "angry water verses, solid rock"--one of those happy accidents, maybe? I like how you identify, take sides. St. 2--"Attack was always squelched . . . by strength of how it was"--I'm not sure what you mean by that; maybe make it clearer somehow? Now memory moved . . ." -- nice. Maybe hint earlier that the rock was winning? Is that what you were getting at with "strength of how it was"? "Going at it still" seems a little slangy and imprecise. "Gentle rolls came in from far"--"in from far" seems a little awkward. "as recollection told"--not sure about "told" and if the rolls are meeting the shore, you need a comma after "told." Also, "kept on"--in both places--doesn't really need "on"--it's just a filler word. "Greed" seems to come out of no where. I like the ending a lot, though I think "little bits" could be replaced with something stronger. Anyway, nits and some fuzzy language aside, cool poeme.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	ecargo 167.219.88.140	6-Apr-06/7:07 AM
This has some really cool imagery and language. First line--"sky" should take singular verb "casts," not "cast." Might want to drop the articles ("the") in the second line. "Wearisome, I vent . . . " something's off here. (For one thing, you're basically calling yourself tiresome. Do you mean "weary"?) Second stanza--some cool imagery. I like "I want white linen (maybe make it singular?) line, but sugg. dropping "up"--white linen to cocoon me. "With morning comes a . . . turning of light"--nice. Think it'd stand alone, stronger, without "shine." The spiralling child seems disconnected right now. Maybe, also, just "smog" without "the sky's" (where else would smog be?) S/b "last night's" (apos.). I almost think the ending would be stronger without the last line. Really like this, overall.
Re: Explorations Underground by ecargo	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:16 AM
'Lichen tawny' is possibly the finest descriptive pairing I've ever seen.
Re: The Dark Ark by MacFrantic	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Is this about the Titanic? Good lines, I either love or hate the bracketed clauses, I'm not sure which yet though. 'Shapeshifting moon' = tres cool, as is 'water in a fury shelled'. It could do with just a little more description, other than that, great!