Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:25 AM
Dressed well mr R. Like the unravelling words complementing the unravelling tempest, i think you struggled in last 2 lines, i dont even think it needs it, maybe end it with calm or whats left after.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:28 AM
echo - ecargo. I'll add that I think its a stanza too long and it could be ended perfectly in 5. Your knocking out some good stuff and retaining the focusa as you write which m,akes reading you a good thing.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:29 AM
Did us Brits have our asses kicked at fort bragg? Bloody Tea was the end of us lol.
Re: The Day After Next by cyan9	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:33 AM
Problem ! this is well enough written and i can see the earnest in your writing but it just reads like an essay set and is like a dinner well cooked that everyones eaten an hour ago.
Re: The Obelisk by MacFrantic	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Very cool and very assured.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:35 AM
Great first line, like the play on 'damned'. The whole thing gives me a good impression of the muddy flats. You could possibly play on the aged femininity a little more, wrinkles in the mud and hair etc. Great description though.
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:39 AM
Great stuff, but I'd prefer this in more complete phrases - i.e. without the breaking up of sentences. 'The great light bandit' is a super line.
Re: test by Adriaan	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/8:42 AM
Marvellous! Brought a smile to me!
Re: These Past Sixteen Months by amanda_dcosta	Caducus 86.141.200.191	6-Apr-06/8:43 AM
Plus points are for the seemingly lack of self pity and though fairly generic in word choice you have knack for narrative and characteriztions i could care about. Rangers right about the end as the ancient style of words such as o'er is like mixing chocolate with cabbage. Title could be more fitting and just called 16 months. I also think the four continents / one nest scenario could be milked more for poignancy. You give me a lot of ideas from what i have read, the potential i can see but i find you could be gettin more from your writing if you second read or draft your work further.
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:12 AM
As with your last one, this leaves me longing for a little more description. The ideas are there but this is like a sketch when you want to see a watercolour. I agree with Dovina about not changing the last line to first person; I'd also suggest losing the exclamation mark...they don't work as well in poetry as they do in prose. You might want to give us an excerpt from 'Send me the pillow' as well, and use it as the basis for another stanza, maybe? Very pleasant to read as it is, though.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:19 AM
I don't like 'squelched', it doesn't feel poetic enough for this piece. Perhaps 'quenched' would do the trick better? Love the idea behind this and I love the format, I was expecting rhymes at first but it didn't feel any the worse for being unrhymed. Now, this might be evidence that I need to take a dyslexia test, but 'many battles passed/some broken rocks' had this wonderful effect of making me also read 'boken bottles', a perfect illustration (to me, at least) of the rocks. Was that intentional? Great last stanza.
Re: Pastoral Care (Psalm 23 revisited) by Dovina	Ranger 86.140.71.26	6-Apr-06/9:31 AM
Ah, some changes to this! It works fantastically well now, one of your best, I think.
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-Apr-06/11:08 AM
Your imagery is nice, very thoughtful, but you hardly out-Plathed Plath, coming from a Plath researcher & fan (this is not an insult by any means, & I hope you don't interpret it as one). I understand perfectly the concept of a hidden sky-don't see what all the uproar is on that part?? Our styles are a bit similar, so maybe I can just picture the scene clearly with your choice of imagery. The only part I didn't care for was, "For thick on thick air"-I just don't think it adds any elements poetically of thematically. Great theme by the way. ~Sunny
Re: Simon's Legacy (draft) by Caducus	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-Apr-06/11:17 AM
I don't rate like that, well, ever since I became a member of this site. Penetrable (I can relate to family suicide as well). Your poem as a whole was brilliantly thought up & scorched onto paper (or post). No more I can say about this except it deserves much better ratings than it has recieved...I can see the incredible talent in this peice. ~Sunny
Re: Monday Morning by Sunny	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:40 AM
Some great phrases and vivid images. But I'd rather see it tied together with transition and clearer flow of the story. It's not a story, but you show sequence, loosely connected.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/11:54 AM
You have embellished the modern poem "Blueprint" with a tale of yore, which its author may find appalling. But you keep just enough “photographs” and modern language to cause wonder as to whether you jest, mimic or jab. Good poem.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/12:08 PM
Some people argue that if you crossbreed nature poetry with political poetry, you spawn and breed a mutant - environmental poetry. But most of this rings true, and avoids the preachiness of most environmental attempts.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	drnick 24.176.22.254	6-Apr-06/12:55 PM
Yes!!! This is the good stuff, my friend. I embelishes how I feel so much that I want to read it to certain people and then tell them to "fuck off." There are so many good lines, I'll name some favorites: 3rd line, 2nd stanza...1st line, 3rd stanza...lines 7-8, 4th stanza...and of course the end line is golden. I wouldn't change a thing, I'm giving you a 9.5.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 24.176.22.254	6-Apr-06/12:59 PM
While System of a Down is better than Metallica, you should probably think of writing your own material rather than plagiarizing the hard work of others. And for what? So you look good to the people on this site? You must lead a very sad and pathetic existance. I'm giving you the number that best represents the asshole you are.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Scarlett 66.210.233.6	6-Apr-06/1:48 PM
Rich and vivid, spins a web around the reader ~ you cannot break the silken strands to stop midstream.