Re: Buried by Enkidu	Dovina 70.38.78.229	6-Apr-06/1:57 PM
It lacks an authentic or vivid setting and tries to compensate for that shortcoming by using empty words. Consider a quick poem: The day I lay me down to sleep Never again to wake I hope to see no loved ones weep With heavy hearts that break For I will be in heaven’s land And sit with God above A servant at His hand Receiving all His love There’s nothing wrong with my idea. I want to comfort loved ones so they do not grieve, but rather celebrate. But my poem lacks vision – what heaven might look like, for example, or how a soul feels there. There is no real setting given other than symbolic words.
Re: The Battle of Fort Bragg by Dovina	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/2:11 PM
This is actually good.. 10!!
Re: Buried by Enkidu	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/2:16 PM
nice...
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	Lifeboatman 170.65.128.6	6-Apr-06/5:38 PM
this one very well written... nice feeling after reading it too..10
Re: Blackout, Amman, November, 2005 by zodiac	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	6-Apr-06/5:55 PM
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. -from Richard Hall's Sniglets: Words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should.
Re: parlor games by digipoet	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:07 AM
Hmm, failed chat-up line followed up by an icy stare, this is brief and effective. Did you ever read drnick's 'Buried in the Booth'? Pretty much the polar opposite of this. I'd be tempted to put another line after 'her gaze asphyxiates', probably one to keep the rhyme more solid there. Maybe just 'unfazed', or something like that. Otherwise, very cool.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:11 AM
'lays' (line 18) should be 'lies', I think. I'm very tired right now so I might be wrong. I like this although 3am seemed wrong - either you've stepped back in time or you guys start seriously early. 7am would have worked better, to me at least. Cool last line.
Re: Feelings for a Lost Love by denisebar2006	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:18 AM
I hesitate to attempt a critique of this in case the story is genuinely true. I don't want to hurt feelings or seem offensive here. The emotions are conveyed in this and the tale itself is tragic, but as far as the poetic side goes, it needs work. There are a couple of typos to iron out, and some of the rhymes are a bit overused and unoriginal (and stanza 1 in particular feels very forced). I'd like to see more description - tell me who he was, make me visualise him, visualise you as well. The end of stanza 2 and start of stanza 3 are good, this has plenty of promise but needs refining. I do hope this isn't a true story though.
Re: Buried by Enkidu	Ranger 86.131.45.56	7-Apr-06/12:21 AM
So close to conjuring up great imagery - I can actually picture the setting, but it's almost entirely down to my imagination and associations of woods and nymphs. This is the sort of piece which requires a bit more on the author's behalf; give us some more scenery. What's there is good, but I'm greedy. I want more.
Re: To Orange by Lifeboatman	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/12:28 AM
nice
regarding some deleted poem...	ElmoBeavisButthead 152.163.100.65	7-Apr-06/4:47 AM
Okay either 'unkown' is spelled wrong and is suppose to be 'unknown', or it is a word I never heard of before. The poem itself wasn't poor but wasn't great either, should include maybe more on the idea...I have to give you a 6
Re: Good old days by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 24.74.100.11	7-Apr-06/6:59 AM
The second stanza is jolting because, as Dovina said, it doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Lose the last stanza, it's not needed. Being vague sometimes can make your poem more applicable to other peoples situations and thus more easy for them to identify with it. The thought of the last line in the poem is already in the readers head before they actually see it. So if you take away the last line the sentiment will still be there without you having to actually say it. One of the best things about poetry is when somrthing is said without actually being said.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	7-Apr-06/9:26 AM
Holy shit, Ranger. Most excellent. Hate to nitpick this one at all, because I think it's really good--some really terrific lines and good rhymes and half rhymes throughout--a truly nice tribute. I really enjoyed it.
Re: Old River Sherbourne by Caducus	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/10:01 AM
M6 bowel? Enlighten me. And spon with spon ? Not comfortable with that. The rest is lovely... and a good, lively description.
Re: Emo Kid by Fayt	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	7-Apr-06/10:07 AM
Hmmm... not bad. has a bit of a humor tone to it. As for a limmerick format, sorry I can't comment on that. I'm a stranger to limmerick forms and rules. Keep writing.
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.6	7-Apr-06/10:27 AM
spitfire Mexican hellcat polka- Right on. Lays/Lies, let it slide. beaterrific
Re: Morning City by Jack Diamond	INTRANSIT 152.163.100.6	7-Apr-06/11:18 AM
panaderia is better. but while you're getting nutty about laid, why not leid.
regarding some deleted poem...	drnick 24.176.22.254	7-Apr-06/12:22 PM
You should stick to ripping off real artists.
Re: Inbetween Lovers/Blueprint by Ranger	INTRANSIT 205.188.117.10	7-Apr-06/12:41 PM
Salute!
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 81.156.73.86	7-Apr-06/12:43 PM
Great fun to read, but I'm not yet switched on enough to the message. Night shifts do that to you... Keep 'em coming!