Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	Dovina 70.38.78.229	28-Apr-06/3:19 PM
Freud spoke of the speech of our mother-tongue as being guarded against forgetting. But it also succumbs to another disturbance, familiar to us as "slips of the tongue." I think you are relating slips of the tongue to dreams and the interpretation of both. But frankly, it's not clear to me. You are avoiding commas at the ends of lines, maybe because you said my last one had too many of them. In general, I think punctuation is appropriate on a poem of this complexity, including commas as needed for grammar at the ends of lines. The first two lines threw me for awhile. I would change them to: Every image is disguised under normal circumstances. Now, to be extraordinary, Another nit: "lithe, nearly unconscious,"
Re: Turn your back by kliq	Sunny 65.118.48.2	28-Apr-06/3:25 PM
Sooo what your portraying here is a mockery of society because we judge others without getting to know them first?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I got from it anyway...As far as my commentary goes, I really did think about the style, pattern, theme, if the poem "grabbed me" per say, and you aren't going to like this, I apologize for my honesty, but...I didn't care for it. It is not a style I enjoy: maybe I've seen it too much or just need elements such as imagery & whimsey in poetry, but that's just me. Others might completely relate. And it's not like I write about kittens & daisies or like reading that kind of material for that matter, I mean Plath is my favorite for goodness sake, so it's not that I don't appreciate the dark undertones...or flat-out obvious dark "overtones" like in this poem... Thanks for the read however, ~Sunny
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	28-Apr-06/3:28 PM
hmmm, well. this is another complex read. alas, being friday afternoon and i am on my way home for the weekend, i cannot sit tight enough to think nor read clearly. i will try to get back and comment on this. holding off the vote for now as well. musn't be hasty, now!
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	Sunny 65.118.48.2	28-Apr-06/3:47 PM
I actually liked this mideival glory-theme :) You held close to your theme throughout which we all know is crucial in poetry. Your style even echoed of old English (not true old English of course or neither of us would understand a lick of it...). Your word choice was not only smart but another compliment to the overall theme, I like that tightness you managed to pull off so well!! I also found your stanza variation to be quite exciting & a breath of fresh air from the norm. I might have to try this spicey stanza altercation once myself!! Thanks for the read, ~Sunny
Re: FISH by annadoc	annadoc 161.7.2.160	28-Apr-06/4:18 PM
Thought I'd write a cinquain. Shouldn'ta posted, but I did. Why the venom (seething out)?
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	MacFrantic 172.191.74.95	28-Apr-06/8:00 PM
This is definitely a poet's poem. I feel confident enough when I say that this may be the best pure poem on this site. It is catchy, raw, truly FREE verse. It even has the punch at the end that makes your eyes move back to the top and start over again. No matter what the scores on this poem, it deserves no less than a primary addition to my favorites. Of course, Ranger, nothing short of greatness should be expected from you. I hope I've tooted your horn quite sufficiently. *10*
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Apr-06/4:10 AM
Okay, I'm probably waaaay off the mark here but this actually made me think of beggars. 'In shambles', 'trundles', 'the attire is simple and worn', 'the line that I ended', '(k)nights quiver' (shivering under a blanket) all work in this way for me. That having been said, it does carry a lot of archaic weight in the language which I like in poetry, and is spot on for the theme of nobility. The only word that didn't quite work was 'vainglory'. I know it's correct but I would personally have preferred it to be split to 'vain glory'. It would keep a certain ambiguity about it that way as well. Overall, top drawer.
Re: Arson by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Apr-06/4:29 AM
Here's a suggestion: given the first two lines you could easily turn this into a poem about cards, and use that as a metaphor for arson, which in turn is a metaphor for seperation. As it is, it's not a bad poem, but I found the final line lacking in originality. Referring to people as islands has been done to death, if you could find a different way of putting it I'd like it more.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Apr-06/4:39 AM
Okay, crits first: 'heart flutters' is somewhat overused and could do with being more inventive. 'Exhausted by the irritation' doesn't sound right...it seems to trivialise the subject, in which case it's unlikely that it would exhaust you. 'Incongruent imposter' is bordering on being an act of poetry, of which I've been accused on occasion too. Also, the start of the last stanza is a bit detached from the end of stanza two. 'An enemy' just appears and doesn't make me instantly go 'oh right, gotcha'. However, lines 3 and 4 are good, so are the first two lines of stanza 2 and the final line. 'Something which exists independently of my control' is maybe too philosophical although it works quite well. Hope these suggestions were useful.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	Dovina 12.72.34.35	29-Apr-06/11:10 AM
A good start with L1. "push you away for not sitting close"? - seems inconsistent. Are you sure it is irritation that exhausts you in L5? I like the idea of objectively watching the imposter. I've written about this too. But I think you can do better at describing this objective/highly personasl phenomenon.
regarding some deleted poem...	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	29-Apr-06/11:35 AM
Hmmmm.... It's good, but could have been done better. I don't particularly fancy lines 8 - 10. and the ref to Gabriel.... I feel it's a little stretched.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	29-Apr-06/11:48 AM
Ranger, This is yet another piece where you've got me racking my brains. Making us exercise, aren't you? :-) Am enjoying it. Somehow you and my husband will be able to get along well with topics like this. Probably he'll be able to give you a valid critique on this. From my point of view, I don't seem to be getting anywhere far with this. It ain't particulary clear.
Re: Tang Soo Do See Do by ecargo	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	29-Apr-06/12:03 PM
ecargo... hmmm this is pretty good. Not particulary to my taste, but even then I think I must be frank and fair. You deserve a 10. P.S. Ironically, this is the stuff I vote a zero here in my home. Punches and jabs..... I'm scared to see it physically, wondering when my kids (biggest kid - my husband) will end up with stitches (which is nothing new). An in the end my husband stands and bows pretending to be the winner among the lot. Proudly. :-)
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.37	29-Apr-06/12:06 PM
Ranger.... care to chat?
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	some deleted user 64.140.228.180	29-Apr-06/3:45 PM
I like the imagery in this--and its openess to interpretation.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	some deleted user 64.140.228.180	29-Apr-06/3:56 PM
Nice Amanda, it's always a pleasure to read your poems.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	29-Apr-06/3:57 PM
Great images. The wheelbarrow/soldier leaning in the mist was more reminiscent of WWII than current conflicts, but still an excellent idea. Same goes for the wind chimes. I'd have preferred it without lines 4 and 5, the ideological and political aspect detracts somewhat from the virtually impeccable portrait painted.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	some deleted user 64.140.228.180	29-Apr-06/4:05 PM
This is good stuff. Not exactly my cup of tea, but doesn't mean I shouldn't give it the score it deserves.
Re: Freud Spoke Of A Mother's Tongue, But I Interpret Dreams by Ranger	Wakeboarder20 71.227.248.140	30-Apr-06/12:11 AM
I can safely say I have no idea what this poem is about. That being said though the imagery is amazing. So even if I was completely lost almost instantly, I still enjoyed every line I read. Great job.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	Ranger 62.252.32.15	30-Apr-06/3:05 AM
This seems to be a tirade against someone with a very holier-than-thou attitude - in which case the only line I have yet to place firmly is 'An angel with a life full of sin', whether it's a different person to the one mentioned in the line above or, if as I suspect, it's about someone who doesn't practise what they preach. Someone who indulges rather than abstains. Good lines! I like the word choice in here, sufficiently nasty and vicious without being overtly violent. Also, the use of 'spit' and 'spite' so close together works well to invoke 'spirit' (ordinarily I'd be unimpressed by such repetition in poetry; here however it has good effects). So really, no crits that I can see straight away. Maybe I'll find something later but I don't feel very nitpicky today. 'Jesus hanging round your neck' is a superb line - such a contrast in the double meanings give it a wonderful ambiguity which I really like.