Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/2:37 AM
I'm not sure that you'd find Merlot beneath trees that often. Cigarettes, possibly and certainly soil, but Merlot? Unless you mean for it to represent blood...but it's quite unclear there. Stanza two - 'worshipped by a goddess' bit makes it sound like you worshipped her too; at least, that's how I read it. Stanzas 3 and 4 - no problems. Final stanza...I'm not convinced by the list of adjectives, particularly as you describe yourself as complex but then list some fairly simple emotions (very compatible ones at that, for a complex character I'd have expected some contradictions there).
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/2:57 AM
The beauty of this piece is that it keeps bringing me back to reread and look for more meanings. 'Align in mustard/for forecasted showers' caught my eye this time round. It has a fantastic ambiguity to it, conjuing both the image of mustard plants awaiting rain for sustenance, but also of the monks sheltering beneath leaf-like canopies to escape the storm. So (as I think I said before), the showers are prophecies, but whether they are favourable or not is down to the reader to decide (I like that sort of ambiguity, by the way!) I didn't mention earlier that I thought your contrast of nature and structure was very good - you have the elements, the river, the tree; all life-bringers. Then you have the concrete threatening to smother them. And, of course, you have the temple in the backgroud which is a harmony of both nature and human construction. I'm still not sure about 'scourge' in here - I think it works grammatically, but it feels wrong, somehow. 'Scour' would sit more easily in my opinion, although it's somewhat strong for the gentle nature of monks (it could reflect the 'struggle' theme though, I guess) so maybe 'wash' would be more appropriately - and fit with 'rain'. Similarly, 'purge' just isn't working for me yet. I think I can see what you're getting at by using it but this is a case of you needing to decide whether thematic word choice is more important than the 'feel' of the individual sentences. To be fair, I think I've run into similar obstacles in my most recent submission, I'd be interested to see what you think to it.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	6-May-06/2:58 AM
Agreed with Dovina here.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	Bobjim 84.9.185.22	6-May-06/6:40 AM
Reminds me of the time I had fresh caught rabbit. Tastes like chicken you know.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	amanda_dcosta 203.145.159.44	6-May-06/9:12 AM
Ranger, your description makes it now more clear. It's more like Jesus' dialogue to silent Judas. The idea and imagery are good, the portrayal of the tree and the caterpillar is fantastic. Your usage of the english language is beautiful. You never fail to amaze me on the various beautiful phrases you adopt or invent, (if that could be said of it.) On the whole I give it an -8-. marks for ...statuesque as a memory, What will your wings resemble when you appear from this web?, Needle-wire undead tree.... The last two lines give it a beautiful finish.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-May-06/9:34 AM
Hey Ranger, OK, I hope this is the most recent write you wanted my commentary on, more like a critique, which I am more than appeased to do; you are so faithful to my writes. Here are some examples of nit-picks I didn't care for... -I don't care for poetry lacking correct punctuation. Punctuation is a huge confusion-killer to the reader (I know you only left out the periods, but in order to do this, the poem MUST be extremely clear on how it is to be read & theme as well, which is a tactic I have not even attempted yet myself). Fragments, as is the main composition of the first stanza, are fine, but an entire strophe of them can get under my skin a bit... -Overall, hate to say it, I found little grasp of clarity. It seemed to me you sort of ventured off into winter wonderland half way through, never to return. My mere opinion of course. This choppy style simply does not give your reader enough to hold onto, to grasp the in-depth theme of this poem. I saw too many descriptions after descriptions after...you get it, leading to where? -Lastly, I thought it was too long, unparalleling itself from the overall theme. I do get the overall theme & believe these types of poems should punch with "show," no "tell" in a Dickenson sort of way. I think you get very distracted from your base theme. With every line, every word, ask yourself if it is a direct response back to what you are trying to portray to your reader; this is critical in good poetry, & I know you are more than capable of this, no doubt. -Again, lastly, avoid similes. I am contracted w/ a poetry professor out of NY who taught me this valuable "slap on the hand," per say. The usage of similes only distracts the reader from theme, big no-no. Sorry for the novel, but I was truly just trying to be of some kind of help... ~Sunny
Re: Guttural Responses are Best Saved for Light-rail Mondays by MacFrantic	Sunny 66.69.36.222	6-May-06/9:52 AM
Bravo, bravo, bravo. Funny as hell, literally & very well written. No crit on this one... ~Sunny
Re: A mans obligation by kliq	MacFrantic 172.191.43.203	6-May-06/9:34 PM
If you had spelled two correctly, this would be brilliant. *8*
regarding some deleted poem...	MacFrantic 172.191.43.203	6-May-06/9:43 PM
Fantastique! *9*
Re: Send The Devil... by horus8	Bill Z Bub 70.29.75.165	7-May-06/11:22 AM
You're still here? Awesome. I missed this place... alienboy aka bill z bub
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/1:49 PM
I've got to admit that I figured out the concept of the poem by myself. Yay me! I did, however, had the unfair advantage of knowing what the theme was in advance :-) so I guess it doesn't count after all.. Now, the commentary: The entire poem seems to me to portray Judas favorably on all fronts. It's not Jesus who describes Judas as a caterpillar - soon to blossom into a butterfly - it's the narrator. He's referred to as 'Glorious' in the title. He'll be 'adored'. There isn't a single thing to indicate criticism, so that would be my bet. However, two disturbing references: You've got to admit that "undead tree" is creepy if you're relating to Jesus. I mean, okay, he's not dead, but why 'undead'? Bring on the zombie associations... ;-) Another thing that jarred on me is the reference to Zeus. Last time I checked, he was an extremely pagan god. I've got to wonder, why are you bringing him up at all in this religiously-themed piece? I can't imagine it was by accident... you put too much attention into underlying meaning and detail. Nitpick: It ain't a fictional dialogue between Jesus and Judas, as you said. If anything, it's a monologue in which Jesus tries to convince the silent Judas into betraying him. If Judas actually says anything, I can't see it. You get an 8 on this one for beautiful language, as ever. Didn't really identify deeply with the theme, though, as might have been expected :-)
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/2:17 PM
All the spelling is excellent. You'd pass a spelling checker. You should, however, fix your grammar and use of words. I'm assuming that you're not a native English speaker and therefore will point out the main lines that should be fixed: Line 1: Nature's lap - not 'the nature'. Line 4: "The nature did plight" - meaningless. Line 7: Solitaire is a card game. You mean solitary. Line 8: "Nightingale's" Line 17: "grief", not "grieve". Most of your lines are written Yoda-style, for instance: "the feeling of joy I wondered how could nature in me create." "all my tensions in got soaked" and others. I understand that you were trying to rhyme, but rhyming should never come at the expense of clarity and correctness. Edit and post again, if you want comments.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	7-May-06/2:20 PM
Very nice, tres kinky :-) Although on the first read, I felt that 'bone' and 'fingers' were reminiscent of a skeleton. Not sexy! BTW, "mortar", not "morter".
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	Ranger 62.252.32.15	7-May-06/4:59 PM
Welcome to poemranker! I've got to agree with Niphredil here. To find if the grammar is strained (and it is here, I'm afraid) write the piece out as prose. If it doesn't make sense, write it so it does, and then, if you still want to keep the rhymes, enjamb the lines where necessary. If you want to read a master of subtle rhymes on here, try out some of zodiac's stuff. I'm harping on about his poetry quite a lot at the moment but it really is worth reading and learning from. As Niph says, edit and repost...but if you want comments then I'd advise that you give out plenty yourself first. Generally speaking, commenting on other peoples' works is the best way of bringing yourself to their attention. And, of course, poemranker needs more participation at the moment.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	ALChemy 71.75.178.15	7-May-06/5:56 PM
Very beautiful. Better than mine, me thinks. Good news: Her parents seem to have patched things up, at least for the time being. I keep my fingers crossed for her. I surely must post something soon in the hopes of winning the much coveted plaque of disgust from our ever insistent Mrs. Jehovah.
Re: Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:10 PM
Well now. This definitely needs the reader to see the picture first, I'd say. I'll give it a 'first impressions' post this evening and return to it tomorrow in order to pick up what I miss tonight. First things first - great description. A couple of grammatical nitpicks: line 14 'its' and line 17 'its' again. Unless you're playing some grammatical tricks there that I haven't yet picked up, I think they need correcting. Also: 'haled' jarred somewhat. I think you're using it in the archaic sense for the climbing (I don't believe it's current meaning would work grammatically there, but again, I'll return to look more closely tomorrow) which goes against the otherwise very contemporary feel to the piece. Right, meanings. I don't know the translation of 'Awasa', but it immediately made me think of a Steve Tilston song, 'Awasazi (Waterhole)' so my immediate assumption was that it was about either a waterhole, or about rain - particularly given the context of the picture. At least, directly about water in some sense. Underlying meanings? Well there are plenty which I think could be applied in some form to this, although curently most are fragmentary. It seems like a 'life' poem, foetus-birth-first couple of days of life-childhood. That's what I'm inclined at the moment to say this poem's about (it fits with every stanza). Having said that, though, the picture is very ghostly and ethereal. This poem could equally be about death though, maybe starting the afterlife, particularly the ending of the poem. Interestingly enough, I also read the first part of it as describing a raindrop falling to earth, either hitting a tree or being consumed by the tree, then being evaporated to continue the cycle. Well, they're the first thoughts. With any luck you'll get a more complete commentary from me tomorrow :-D Oh, before I forget - 'clock runs dry' = excellent image of an eggtimer with the sand, very fitting for the piece.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:23 PM
Hmm, it's kind of a depressive anti-Psalm. You might want to consider putting a comma before 'friends', 'family' and 'God'. At the moment it sounds a bit like a Pam Ayers dialectal poem. 'Good effort' doesn't feel right...it's a little simple for the feel of the rest. 'Noble ...' maybe? Also, 'no use or interest' - I'd be inclined to have either 'use' or 'interest', but not both. 'Use' sounds more conclusive, although 'interest' fits with 'afford' (a bit of financial imagery there). Umm, what else was there? Oh yes, at the end of stanza one you appeared to say that what you needed was God...but then at the end you imply that not even God can save you. That threw me somewhat. 7 for this version, if you edit it I'll be sure to take another look.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:25 PM
Catchy. I'm not sure why you need the brackets though, they're distracting. Maybe I'm missing something.
Re: FM.PM by oneglove	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:31 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with the rhyme scheme in this. That is to say, there are lots of '-ight' rhymes at irregular intervals but seemingly nothing else to carry the rhythm. You start with a solid rhyme structure in the first verse but then ditch it straight afterwards. That being said, of course, on the basis that I don't know what this sounds like when put to music. I know this isn't your fault, but 'You're beautiful, you're beautiful' makes me think of that awful James Blunt song. What possessed him to release it is beyond me, honestly.
Re: A Gallery of Errors by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	8-May-06/1:36 PM
Well once again you have left me in bewilderment, but also baffled ecstasy. I happen to love nonsense (or apparently nonsensical) poems, particularly when the language is as cool as in here. Lear was one of my childhood idols.