Re: Gale of Death (Paradelle) by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	4-May-06/8:19 AM
Another good paradelle, I'd rework the end of stanza two: A Death of me in thunderous shrouds Solemn gale returns to shadow Or something like that.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	Ranger 62.252.32.15	4-May-06/8:22 AM
A picture I prefer to avoid.
Re: Moon (edit) by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	4-May-06/8:27 AM
Last line I think should be "tide's cataract leaves", however I'm wondering if there's a bit of extra wordplay going on there. Are you using 'cataract' in the 'downpour' sense there as well? Because it sort of feels like you are - particularly with the widow imagery, a woman crying at night maybe?
regarding some deleted poem...	ecargo 167.219.88.140	4-May-06/10:02 AM
I like the simplicity of this a lot. I think that the imagery may be a little overstated though, or maybe too literal. Maybe it's that the battlefield and soldier image follow on the heels of "to escape news of the war." I little more obliqueness or subtlety might work as well. I like the last lines a lot. The wheelbarrow (and, to a degree, the simplicity) made me think of The Red Wheelbarrow by William Carlos Williams: so much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens.
Re: Gale of Death (Paradelle) by MacFrantic	ecargo 167.219.88.140	4-May-06/10:10 AM
"Billy Collins claimed that the paradelle was invented in eleventh century France, but he actually invented it himself to parody strict forms, particularly the villanelle. His sample paradelle, "Paradelle for Susan" (c1997), was intentionally terrible, completing the final stanza with the line "Darken the mountain, time and find was my into it was with to to"." Hee. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradelle That said, some decent lines in this, but I don't think the form, the repetition for repetition's sake, adds anything to the poem. Also, while I like the wordplay to a point, sometimes the meaning is pretty fuzzy. Probably was fun though. ;)
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	ecargo 167.219.88.140	4-May-06/10:16 AM
I likes it! "as they hung"--this threw me off--is someone holding them or are they (as suggested) sort of dangling on the lip? Also, think about dropping "lined with the" ("by their rear legs over the Rubbermaid can, the black maw of a Hefty bag"). Hmmm. maybe. I'm always split on brand-names in poems; on the one hand, I like the detail, on the other hand "Hefty" and "Rubbermaid" are a little distracting. I dunno. Nitpicking. Ending line is ace. Nice work.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	ecargo 167.219.88.140	4-May-06/10:18 AM
I keep printing out your last several poems to think about and come back to comment on but not getting around to it. I will come back to this! First impressions: lots to like but could benefit from some pruning and tightening of imagery.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	4-May-06/12:00 PM
1st stanza was a little grammatically unclear...do you mean 'looking to the beginning...for what sets me off', or is the second line a new sentence? Or am i missing something? Stanza two is a little cliched, but ends well. The rest is catchy and rhymes well.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	Dovina 12.72.35.48	4-May-06/1:19 PM
At least he knocked them on the head. That's humane, compared to slitting their throats while they hang shaking scared by their hind feet. Maybe you had this in mind also - feeling pain just before the warm trickle; that would not be so if they are knocked out first. You make too much of the container, I think. Does it matter what it's made of and lined with? It used to bother me too. Good poem.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-May-06/5:30 AM
Good edit. Instant thoughts (I will have to come back to this later as I am pressed for time at the moment) are that the monks aren't denying the fog exactly, but their faith is the only splash of colour in an otherwise grey, monotonous world. And it could also suggest that the faith which is to some people ethereal and misty is in fact very tactile and certain to them. Love stanza 3, I personally would have used 'weathered' instead of 'aged' as a play on 'vain' (great play on 'vain' already there though, narcissistic yet thin and empty - I liked that a lot). I'm not yet convinced by 'purge through in their cloaks' (I don't think the 'the' is meant to be in there), although 'purge' fits the overall context it seems a little awkward in that passage. 'Stone that pierces' is a really clever line. I took it to be a play on 'Peter', the rock upon which the Church was built, and then 'Pierre/pierce'. That to me was superb. Right, have to go - will return in a while.
Re: Cookies Won't Cut It by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-May-06/10:54 AM
The penultimate stanza was incredibly evocative, reminded me indirectly of something I read recently. Will return to this later with a more meaningful comment, for now have a token 8.
Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-May-06/10:55 AM
Hmm, not sure yet whether I like this or not. The setup is fairly simple but I guess it fitting for the mood of the piece. I'll have to reread it later before I vote.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	Ranger 62.252.32.15	5-May-06/10:58 AM
I doubt dinner was on the menu.
Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:33 PM
Love is the epitome of unexpected. Carry the living from fantasy to fraternity. Mine are beneath trees too, by merlot and a farm in the hills. Love is a new pair of shoes he bought me because "You are worth it." worshipped by a stallion man who healed my heart fron a dagger's blow. Love is a word it's definition is who gives it who leaves it who breaks it who grieves. I am a griever an unbeliever snatched to belief broken, but spoken clean unlovable become loved dark, lonesome, angry, sad taken, given mouth-to-mouth revived, a womb to sleep in to feel warmth again.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:41 PM
Morter and pestal, a short melding before dinner - how sweet. Pierce the doorway - how enticing. Yes.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:47 PM
First verse: Get rid of "blasphemy"! God, love and kissing are otherwise a perfect trio. Verses 2&3, the "skull" kind of douses it. Otherwise a good come-basck from the "womb" one.
Re: Cookies Won't Cut It by Sunny	Dovina 17.255.240.138	5-May-06/7:55 PM
You've made this, inconsiderately, beyond a cabernet-soaked mind. Still, "knew how her pain soaked into his body," is where I want to be if such crap ever saps my enigma.
Re: A Loving Hand, Slightly Raised by Enkidu	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:09 PM
Very good. the last 5 lines are excelent.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:20 PM
This reminded me of a time when I was young and watched my father slaughter chickens--he used to knock them on the head. great poem.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	some deleted user 64.140.228.126	5-May-06/9:33 PM
I agree with Ranger. This is good, but continuing the alliteration would make it bewtter.