Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:08 PM
Beautiful picture, the rhythm of this could do with a little work. I'd try to replace the non-alliterated passages with ones which continue the alliteration. The reason being that the breaks disrupt the flow and slow it down whereas when it goes quickly I found it reminiscent of the leaves falling. Maybe 'canvas' instead of 'branches'? I'll leave the rest for others to suggest on if people agree with me.
Re: Remnants of a Lost Friday by italenrico	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/3:09 PM
This is really good, especially in that it makes its point without surrendering to cliches and tear-jerking euphemisms of suffering.
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:20 PM
It would be unfair to try a critique of this because it's a lyric and without the music it's almost impossible to tell what the finished article is like. I will say that stanzas 7, 8 and 9 are superb and thoroughly enjoyed in their tragic glory. I'll also say that if you could iron out a couple of the somewhat cliched lines (there aren't many, 'lazy summer's day' is one though) it would be better. And I wasn't wholly enamoured of some of the word choices (the more archaic sections, for example) and sentence structures - however I fully accept that these are probably results of the form limitations and so I won't complain about them.
regarding some deleted poem...	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/3:24 PM
Mu-ha-ha! Ace last stanza. I couldn't help remembering the Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese Sandwich, auctioned on eBay. For those who don't remember: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4034787.stm
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:29 PM
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)
regarding some deleted poem...	Niphredil 85.130.147.248	1-May-06/3:32 PM
How melancholy and beautiful. It's really good; what I would change to make it excellent are the three uses of the word 'like'. I would try and rephrase the last three comparisons - which are very apt and poignant, by the way! - in a less "this is like that" way. Or at least, use different comparisons like "reminiscent of" or "evoking", for instance. I believe this would be a definite improvement. 8 for now because of critique...
Re: We exit a theater nonplussed. I smile. by MacFrantic	Ranger 62.252.32.15	1-May-06/3:39 PM
As with 'Guttural Responses' I am stuck for things to say...the sort of feeling you get when you're on the verge of understanding something big, and you know you are...but it's not quite there yet. As per usual your use of the language is very imaginative and inventive (I have yet to read a poem of yours which I didn't enjoy, even if I didn't understand it). I don't know if I've said this before but I find your poetry to be a vessel for the language rather than the language carrying the poetry. As such I shall give this a token vote for now, but probably return when I've had another couple of reads of this.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 12.72.42.249	1-May-06/4:18 PM
I had to chuckle. Let us not think of ourselves, but rather sell for a fair price those dear things. I think you could use "small price" instead of fair and make it stronger.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	Dovina 12.72.42.249	1-May-06/4:24 PM
Nice description, except for the twice used "crimson."
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Caducus 81.151.55.234	2-May-06/9:09 AM
2nd stanza good but drop the word - and - it reads better without it. I think lines 3/4 of S1 are too verbose, how about - bawling into the megaphone strong language sieved by mono insult, logic, scratching dirt over mistakes.... just have this impression that the passion in ones voice would be wrecked from a megaphone as everyone sounds the same when shouting through a m/phone
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	Dovina 12.72.37.24	2-May-06/3:14 PM
"sodomy" stnds out as a misfit, but maybe it's there for some reason, If so, it's not given. I like Verse 2 because it's what I do each day. But it's about a painting, and like most of yours, gives not-quite-enough, not as much as I want.
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:20 PM
Zombies, sodomy and paintings come together to make one of the most unusual combinations I've ever conceived of...
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:21 PM
Ha!
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:23 PM
Sounds like a dig at philosophers. In which case...very accurate, I'm sorry to say.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	2-May-06/3:26 PM
Good description, although there's a lot of cruciform imagery in the picture which you didn't mention. Am seeing it pretty well from what you've already given though.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	Dovina 12.72.43.100	2-May-06/7:15 PM
I don’t want to be motherly or take you under a wing as a mate of God might, and I know this seems overbearing, but here we go: A riverborn reflection, Winter jaded, white on green, Once a laden oak, Now, statuesque as memory, Seemingly awake, remembering The year's last caterpillar, A copper spark - hue dash, Spinning, Uncertainly settling into his woven urn, Like a zealous acrobat rocking under shade. That spread-leaf (oaks don’t have needles) undead tree let the wind cry, Giving voice to his skin, To the caterpillar: "Why do you hang here, Away from the others in their wind-chime chatter? Do you fear the hollow resonance? You, butterfly, shall be adored in equal measure, Sustained by sap and leaf, Though I shall be cut down by those who planted me Many winters ago When water trickled. Then I drew from that well of life eternal. (cliché – change this.) Now see, I bring a symbol of violence Here on this hill in praise of the sun. Still you are silent, Named and broken. What will your wings resemble when you appear from this web? Your coat will turn, Leaping about, zesty as rays upon silver.” “The cost of transformation you will not find; Thirty tears will buy your passage. Nor will you reckon with those who dig my grave; These gardeners are warriors. Gleaming blades will strike, and they, the marchers, They will seek my crown through the crossing of thorns, For the carpenter I am, For the writer I am. From afar, I will be spied And hear their chant: 'He, a Zeus of nature! Cast him down to leave his print- Let him lie in a sealed tome Let him carry the messages of Man' On the wind I shall hang like you, caterpillar, Light among zephyr and rain until salvation." I like the Biblical image, the transformation of caterpillar as life after death, perhaps. Not sure what the dead oak tree represents – could be the Bible or old tradition now gone.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	3-May-06/6:02 AM
Ideally haikus want more imagery, and traditionally they have a more natural theme. I'm also confused as to whether it really has no title or whether 'untitled' refers to the 'aftersong shadow', being perhaps a short improvisation. If it doesn't have a title, well it needs one. Haikus depend on having a clear title so the reader knows what you're talking about.
regarding some deleted poem...	lmp 141.154.134.3	3-May-06/2:47 PM
interesting. the imagery, to me at least, is all over the map. i cannot figure if he is a baked good, an angel, an explosive, or a cuddly farmyard animal. i guess he is really a daffy-down-dilly? <grin> seriously, this work starts off almost with a resentful tone, a bit too ominous perhaps for a piece that seems to be about the pride and vivacity of the young. i don't know. it just seems rather hastily written, as if the feelings are there but the images are the first ones that occurred to you, rather than ones that were carefully sought to form a cohesive image. i think it could be better; i suggest reworking it a bit.
Re: Glorious Turncoat, I Shall Return by Ranger	lmp 141.154.134.3	3-May-06/3:08 PM
i will need to come back to re-read and cogitate further before voting. i do like this, and the images of a tree hewn down always is painful to me, even if it is hollow inside.
regarding some deleted poem...	lmp 141.154.134.3	3-May-06/3:17 PM
very nicely done; i could almost hear the voice of Garrison Keillor (isn't he the guy from NPR's Writer's Almanac?). I agree with Ranger that you could carry this along a bit more. The images are great, but i came in after you edited out the political commentary, so now it seems a bit shortfallen. nicely done.