regarding some deleted poem...	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	9-May-06/12:47 PM
Straight off, and before I say anything else, I'll give you the impression I had from your poem. I had the feeling that there was *some* idea there - but it was too choked and muffled with words to stand alone. Don't get me wrong. I love a good vocabulary. But I can't seem to penetrate through the mass of words to see a clear meaning in your poem. Selections like : "attempts invertebrate like dark caricatures to render voiceless (burgeoning bathos)" leave me with no real feeling one way or the other about what you've written. As if you were writing sentences you thought sounded good, while not according enough attention to the meaning they convey. The good part is that this poem really does have some lovely phrases; and by the way, I thought the title was excellent! Very original and eye-catching. I feel that if you were to clarify the message of your poem, your poem could provide the reader with that moment of *stop - and think* every really good poem does.
Re: For Thou by MacFrantic	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	9-May-06/1:19 PM
Unless I'm mistaken, the title whould rightly be "For Thee". And why the archaic title, but the usage of mundane 'ýou' in the body of the poem? How anachronistic ;-)
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	9-May-06/2:24 PM
Oh, nice :-) Must have been the geometry that makes your poem so alluring at this hour. Don't you think it might make the ending more poignant if you were to change the negative last line to a positive one - something like "whether or not you could go any further"? The comparison would strengthen the message.
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	Bobjim 84.9.184.23	9-May-06/3:26 PM
This is a very good poem, though because of the subject, I can't help but think of it in comparison to the classic "Not waving, but drowning" by Stevie Smith. Considering that's one of my favourite poems of all time, yours stands up really well. You mention being afraid your life would show, is this meant to indicate a guilty conscience? I noticed you saying you were too proud at the top. Did you know that drowning is a very peaceful way to die? By the time you're in danger of watching your life flash before your eyes, you're almost completely calm.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:35 PM
Niphredil's got it spot on, I think. I'd also suggest commenting on some of the recent poems to get more people reading your stuff.
Re: Fake, Emo and Over Shaven by Blindpoetry	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:36 PM
Entertaining, not much more to be said about this one.
Re: Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:53 PM
Well, it doesn't quite match with the 'ranker definition of what a Pantoum should be like - I can't find a rhyme scheme in here (although to be fair I'm notoriously bad at spotting rhymes) and the second line in the final quatrain should (according to the definition) repeat the third line of the first quatrain. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if there are alternative pantoum forms. As far as description goes - super! I found it very innovative and the 'dirty' attitudes seem to suggest that for the most part you're writing about the sun when it's obscured by clouds - and therefore not 'pure', if you will. I should also say here that the language used drew up an image of an alcoholic, or someone equally fallen from grace. Obviously there's 'dirty girl', 'groan', 'bottled light', 'bloody face', 'brood' etc. and a bit of wordplay with reviver conjuring up 'reviler'. I could go on, but I think that reading is way off track. Another good one from you, keep them coming!
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/1:58 PM
Great! This is probably one of your best (although I can't claim to have read even half of the poems you've posted on here...most done while I was away and there's a lot for me to catch up on...) and I can't really think of anything intelligent to suggest. My brain's been fried by essays. Although, having spent some time dealing with Xeno's paradoxes I had this strange longing for some arrow imagery in here; it would fit with the angle and also with the idea of distance.
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	Ranger 62.252.32.15	10-May-06/2:01 PM
Well rhymed, the only problem I had with this was 'amorphous' - I'd never imagine such words to spring to mind while drowning. Of course, if you're really drowning I doubt you'd be speaking at all, let alone in poetic verse.
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/6:42 AM
Nice images. 'Laid'...should it be 'lay'? Not sure about 'impaled', particularly on a piercing gaze...like shooting an arrow with another arrow, if you see what I mean. It doesn't feel right. Last stanza; I would leave out the final line, or change 'hourglass'. Up till then it has a nice ambiguity - either she's left for someone else, or she's died in her sleep ('she left her hourglass [figure; maybe even talking about her ghost] in the duvet...lay as midnight with him' [referring back to God]). The second 'hourglass' confused things a little, for me. That being said, the images are vivid and the ends of stanzas 1 and 2 link well. Oh, and line 3 made me think of one of mine ;-)
regarding some deleted poem...	Niphredil 132.69.238.35	11-May-06/8:40 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but do I sense a subtle whiff of political commentary in your poem? Joking aside, I feel that the political hyperbole you present in the last three lines is so exaggerated as to be almost laughable. I suppose you would want your poem to be taken seriously; but it's hard, given such an statement as "Bush is evil. He's got a black, black, heart". You can say that he's mistaken, he's ignorant, he's ridiculous or even means ill; but to claim that his heart is as black as the spouting oil fields of Iraq (because that was what you implied, I believe) is not conducive to receiving the type of respect for your poetry that you would expect. What to do, then? The three final comparisons to 'black' that you used in the second stanza are good, I feel. In themselves, they make the point that your final lines could not. The three first are not. Black as a raven's wing, coal, whatever is hackneyed - even if that was your intention (in order to contrast then with your three final similes), they create a redundancy and stagnation which contributes nothing to the poem. I also thought that the entire first stanza rhapsodizing about nothing but the night is too long and pointless. You get two disconnected stanzas - one about the night, and one about the horned owl, the war in Iraq and President Bush. I don't even think there are horned owls in Iraq. Get my point? It's disconnected. If it was me, I would build my poem around those last three 'black' similes, cut down the 'night' descriptions most significantly, and lose the last Bush line, it's laughable. Unless you meant it as a joke, in which case it was funny :-) I made an effort to give detailed criticism of this poem because I think your stuff is worth criticising; not in order to flame your work. From what I've read, you come up with some beautiful ideas, and it would be a shame if you were to fall below your own standards. Keep writing! I really enjoy it. No vote this time, though.
Re: Last Night by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:31 PM
The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?
regarding some deleted poem...	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:41 PM
Can't put it any better than Niphredil has.
Re: The Observatory by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:44 PM
This is good, thoughtful and plenty of alliteration.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	Ranger 62.252.32.15	11-May-06/1:49 PM
It works better with the edit, but 'irritation' still jars...
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	wilco 24.92.74.122	11-May-06/4:01 PM
What's this about the demise of the Ranker? I know I've been away, but that's no reason to close up shop ;)
Re: My Prayer by dana071287	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:13 AM
Devotional poems are difficult to write. They're like love poems except that they won't get someone into bed with you. Therefore, if they're for public reading, they have to be superb. A good start would be making it not your prayer. If it's for public reading, the reader is going to want to be able to include theirself in the reading. Usually that means following the golden rule of poetry: 'Show, don't tell'. It also means following the second golden rule of poetry: 'Never rhyme "love/above/dove" in anything'. Seriously. You will not find a more overused rhyme in the English language, and readers want innovation, not more of the same. Using the 'love/above' rhyme twice in one poem is bordering on being a criminal offence. General points over, now to the poem itself. Well firstly it's fairly obvious that this is something you're pretty passionate about: that is a good start. However, the content doesn't live up to this. For one thing, you use 'I' 8 times, 'me' 5 times, and 'my' 5 times in 20 lines (that's assuming I counted right; not a certainty). That isn't conducive to letting the reader give it their own 'personal' reading. Cut down on pronoun usage in poetry as much as possible, otherwise not only does it limit the reader, but it also gets repetitive. I have to admit that I didn't work out the rhyme scheme at first (rhymes aren't my strong point) but on a second reading I saw the reversal and symmetry; that was good, although it would have been better with more variety in the middle - 'new' and 'renew' suggests you were struggling a little. Also, 'I want a heart that is new' doesn't really sound very poetic. To make it more interesting you could go along the lines of 'I seek a heart [do you really want a new heart though?] renewed' (I know you've already used 'renew', but I don't want to tell you which words to write). Umm...I can't really think of much at the moment so I'll leave it there rather than risk getting something spectacularly wrong and making an arse of myself. Welcome to poemranker, and I hope these suggestions are useful.
Re: Shy, quiet by Ranger	Roisin 194.70.52.62	12-May-06/5:17 AM
Here it is...the long awaited comment. Sorry I've been a bit lazy recently! I read this through a couple of time and really enjoyed it. At first I wasn't sure what you were getting at and then I thought about the title and the idea of 'cagie''lightening' and allowed the pace to sweep me along and a picture emerged. Clever and makes you feel slightly dizzy to read which captures the feeling of an encompassing shyness and paranoia.
Re: Are life after death by freakything	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:20 AM
'Our life after death', unless you're attempting a pun there, which even if you are is pretty tortured grammatically. Be more inventive with your rhymes. If you look through any amount of poetry on the internet you will find every single rhyme in here used approximately a million times. Doing what's been done that much before is an instant turn-off for the reader. Check a rhyming dictionary if you're struggling for ideas. General tip for anyone posting 4 poems in one go: leave some comments on other peoples' works, or you'll find very few people commenting on yours.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	Ranger 62.252.32.15	12-May-06/5:34 AM
This is fantastic; a great way of bringing a message across, and the message itself is well thought-out. The only problem I found is the rhyme of 'hearth' and 'earth' - I don't know how you pronounce it, but for me 'hearth' sounds like 'harth'. Not enough to diminish my enthusiasm for the poem though.