ALChemy
on test by zanzina
18 May 2006, 4:53 AM
You failed.
Edna Sweetlove
on Generation Next, Fuck you(The Fake Out) by thepinkbunnyofdoom
19 May 2006, 4:49 AM
OK I suppose.
Very nice poem.
'parfaited' - perfect, perfumed and paraffin oil. Just a guess.
Groveling? Groveling? You mean, to rhyme with "revealing" and "ceiling" ?
I hope this edition will prove itself more favorable than the original post. Read on and enjoy!
'She knew her lifeâs pattern; her ethics were set'. Don't like this. It is just stating the plot. Show don't tell.
72 virgins are ace because they are pure and virtuous. In heaven on must forsake any thoughts of sin for they can't be lived out. There are only souls in heaven. No bones. :(
This is most excellent. You hold the spider metaphor intact throughout the entire poem without either forgetting or abusing it. And you do it so beautifully! Both the execution and concept are terrific. -10-.
p.s. I think "weaved" in the second line should be "wove".
I am colorblind, so I will wait for the tulips..... what has colorblind to look forward to in tulips, definitely not the varying hues? I'm sorry, I might have got it wrong, but I haven't yet got the jist of this poem. I might be reading this with a different view, so pls don't take this personally. And may be a bit of punctuations could do , as in, "are the apparitions". Period. Line 8.
Tried to fuck that ho like he couldn't in the hood /
but damn! that bitch, she a virgin for good
Whatever he do, can't stick it in, no hole, just skin,
Gonna beat his meat forever cuz he just can't win.
Nigga never knew all he'd do was masturbate
Once he blew himself sky-high through the Pearly Gates
But yours is better :-) true to da beat.
Good title, not a bad stab and i like the way you go straight into it - no fucking about.
The last line but 3 - suds? I'm sure you can find a better word than suds and that line is clumsy anyway as you'll find it hard to convince people that an abyss is blissful so how about -
mother sun's fingers stroke the abyss
only to fade on its burning mouth
close to her lips where i drowned
only to surface with lies.
something along those lines maybe, it has potential bud.
Caducus
on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger
19 May 2006, 2:45 AM
I can see how much your writings come on and thought i should comment on what i think you need to do to fastrack the improvement even more.
This could be stronger as a poem if you make it more concrete (example below)
You are,
a small gold leaf
blown over warm earth
Like a kiss-
Content at rest
But,
if you had these eyes,
you would see
him sitting,
in the arms of an apple tree
She will hold him,
with every other seeking bliss
and so on......
it leaves the images stronger as it sppears more concise and focused. The style of this poem is synonymous with a lot you write and i always tailor your meter to how i imagine it could and should be.
Anyway I'll probably get the piss taken out of me for leaving a proper comment lol.
"They just don't give a Shiite".
10 because I fuckin' loved that line. I was actually planning to try a parody on that following your conversation w/ Ranger, but you beat me to it and did it great! ^_^
Oh man, you tempt me away from the reams of paperwork...
This made me laugh so hard, the best early birthday present I've ever had! Actually, I haven't found a song this funny since Al Yankovic parodied "Lola" (the master of parodies working from Ray Davies, the master of satire; a winning combination if ever there was one). While you folks are around there's no way I'm going to be able to keep away for long.
'Rabbi critics, they say he's justa "Sunni Cash Ho".
He formed a Jihad, stupid, got whacked by some Joes'.
That will remain with me forever :-D
Those heavenly hoes died and went there for good reason. The rest of us never made it.