ALChemy
on Old River Sherbourne by Caducus
17 May 2006, 7:33 AM
Nice image.
Pretentious I feel. Tryst is mis-spelled too.
Odd. Are you saying the leaves fly to warm nests? That's a bit esoteric.
Well, you came back from the dead! Plan to zero bomb the entire rankerdome again? ;)
Like most of it. Slaughter, tombs and grave are a bit overwrought though.
Oh now Edna, at least be brave enough to not to drop an "anonymous" turd on me. You know that it's funny.
Quite nicely worded but more like prose broken up into arbitrary lines. Over-punctuated, I feel, with an excess of commas.
Awkward rhythm, Edna. It doesn't roll off the tongue as well as it should (for instance, you're forcing us to read "the toilet winDOW", which doesn't work).
This is a nice narrative and story. As a poem, it lacks the usually expected structures. For example, the first verse might be reworded
Well known for babes, beaches and beer.
Goa - a dream come true.
Not crazy about "nay" and "crazily."
I dont think I have seen something so mixed in that some of its really good such as the 72 virgins and L2V1 but it slides into the not so good with words like twat. I'm all for bad language but your work here is a cocktail of par excellence and below average.
I'm inspired and disappointed all at once lol.
You could be the ambassador for the Green House/ environmentalists' Groups. I like the poem for it's beautiful imagery that portrays a very urgent call, to protect nature all around us, not just River Sowe.
'Her petroleum eyes' is one of the best phrases you've put in this piece. Good work.
Don't use stanzas in this poem. Lose the line spaces and just stick the whole thing together so it brings out the story quality of the poem better. "atop" not "a top", plus you've got alot of capital letters in the wrong place. Otherwise it's one of the best things you've written.
Ps. I have no idea what the hell Dovina is talking about. She always wants to downsize poems.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 May 2006, 2:31 PM
Well done, although I do agree with Ranger about 'is not easy.'
I believe Canute was demonstrating the limits of kingly power to his subjects.
what do you think parfaited means then.
There's not enough beautiful in it to contrast with the ugliness. Show us a rose growing out of a dung heep.
Technically not a Glosa but close enough:
"99 Problems"
If your havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
[Verse One]
I got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my casket's closed
Rap critics that say he's "Money Cash Hoes"
I'm from the hood stupid what type of facts are those
If you grew up with holes in your zapitos
You'd celebrate the minute you was havin doe
I'm like fuck critics you can kiss my whole asshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
Got beef with radio if i don't play they show
They don't play my hits well i don't give a shit SO
Rap mags try and use my black ass
So advertisers can give em more cash for ads...fuckers
I don't know what you take me as
or understand the intellegence that Jay-Z has
I'm from rags to ritches nigga i ain't dumb
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me
[Chorus]
99 Problems but a bitch ain't one
If you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one
Hit me -Jay Z
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
16 May 2006, 2:19 PM
The poem paints as vivid an image of pollution as I've seen in a while. No place for skinny dipping heh. great work, as usual.
Dovina
on Cupid Missed Two Junkies (slightly clearer, rambling draft) by Ranger
16 May 2006, 1:27 PM
Itâs much clearer now; I believe I get the gist of at least part of it.
I like the use of Cupid to stand in for agape love - that's a nice analogy.
"Arrow" is a bit confusing. You probably refer to Zenoâs arrow, a paradox where motion is rest. If so, then I think thatâs too distant an allusion to expect even above average readers to get.
The wrist nearly tearing is good because most people would say "hand tearing" which is probably not historically right.
Consistency of the apple tree metaphor: Crimson spheres are imaginable, but emerald-colored apples are not, at least to me.
I see other things going on here besides crucifixion. Iâd like to see them all tie together somehow. Surely, you wish to show how these things are related.
There's a slight Dr. Suess quality in your rhythm that intentional or not is freekin' ingenious.