Edna Sweetlove
on A prayer about Jesus by Sing4Jesus!
24 Aug 2006, 4:15 PM
You are fucking mad.
Superb, except for the final two lines which didn't seem right - I'm not sure why though. First five lines of each stanza are genius :-)
Darkly gothic, a couple of areas need a slight trim ('dirty seats', 'bullets to the sky' etc.) - mainly just word choice to keep with the very intricate theme. I do like the way that throughout this poem you give the description a stylish flourish to mirror the architecture. This is the sort of poem that a million goths would love to be able to write ;-)
Brilliant idea, 'malnourished Ethiopian children' let it down a bit - it's a somewhat cliched phrase whereas the concept itself is very original (to me, anyway).
Glorious, had me chuckling all the way through :-)
I'll give it to you that this is a step in the right direction as it is not a traditional subject matter. However, your lyrics are still boring and say nothing profound.
Wow, that was beautiful. There are so many good lines, and very good rhythem! I related to the third stanza the most, very nice. I wish I could offer some advice, but I suppose it would just be to write more!
To be honest I didn't notice the rhyming , so I think that's fine. This is alright, but I think you can do better. It's rather bland if that makes any sense.
I thought I'd commented on your work before, but it seems I was mistaken. You've definitely got the inspiration for writing - you clearly know what you want to write about, darker feelings and thoughts. Having that sort of direction is fairly essential and I myself lack it on many occasions. What holds you back - in my opinion - is that you constrain yourself to talking about abstract things ('despise', 'hate', 'inner emotions' etc.) which, although comrehensible, seem very vague and sometimes basic. I mean, we all feel some of these things at some time - your job is to try and make us feel them here and now. This is where careful use of imagery and descriptive innovation comes in. For instance, I love 'Precious martyr, induce me father' but really dislike 'I hate your cheap absolution'. I'd love to see this less abstract and more tactile - you are certainly able enough :-)
To me this is too long as a poem. If you were to turn it into prose it would work (and give you more scope for creativity). Alternatively, condense this until you're left with just the bare bones (removing a number of the pronouns would immediately cut this down). Dovina's much better than I at suggesting alternative ways of phrasing poetry so I won't try too much, but the gist of it is something like this:
(stanza 4)
Meals with my brother
Another room
No-one else
No time
In actual fact, that's probably more reduced than is necessary, but you see what I mean. Really, just go by the 'show, don't tell' idea. Give us the picture, let us work it out. At the moment it's very much your poem, your emotions. Turn it into our poem, our emotions - make us feel what you feel.
Let me know if you revise this, I'd be interested to read any edits :-)
Love the idea behind this - 'I wanted to share that with you' gives this a really solid air of tribal storytelling. In general, I prefer names not to have quote marks around them (to me it disrupts the flow). Also, for some reason I'd prefer line 13 to read 'Madoowbe's mother fell sick' - I don't think you need 'when' at all there. Overall rather good though.
The rhymes work well rhythmically in their individual sections, but the repeated shift from rhyme to non-rhyme is distracting. I'd prefer this if the rhyming was continued throughout, or removed.
Still a good read though.
Revised rating.
Wow, this damn near blew me away. Absolute killer opening, and the final two lines clinched it almost perfectly (I'd have preferred 'strange' instead of 'weird' - in keeping with the slightly traditional feel). Two other suggestions - line 7 is a bit bulky. In my opinion it would read better as simply 'Like the Starbucks'. Also, line 9 - I wouldn't bother with the first exclamation mark, just 'But oh - the light! The same light' appears better to me.
This really shouldn't detract, though, from what is otherwise a fantastic piece of poetry.
Sweet Mary, I'm about to give my second 10 in a row...this was an absolute delight to read. No favourite passages, they're all wonderful :-D
This made me fall off my chair laughing - absolute brilliance! It even damn near rhymes, which is nearly impossible to do well in a haiku. This would be an Ainslee except that I think the first line is a syllable short.
lovely
Enchanting