wilco
on some deleted poem
12 Jan 2007, 7:14 PM
Where'd all your poemes go, Rock?
Hi there....seems you have been as reclusive as I. I'm just back in, as well. I am glad I found something from you upon my return. Now for my honesty...
The last line in s4 bugs me and doesn't work entirely. The caliber of the piece calls for something better there.
The last line needs changing, IMO. Perhaps 'to die by love's decree', 'my eyes to never see' 'my love to never see' (or 'taste') or simply 'no road back to me' (which would put a rather melancholy note to the end, making one wonder if he truly distains her so and to imply an ever so slight longing and sadness.)
You know I love your mind...this is fantastic and it shows your progress with rythm. I am also, as always, enchanted with the olde feel of these pieces. With this I see a more comfortable you going into a little darker place...you did it very well!
I like this... but wonder why you capitalized Potter and His.
Perhaps as a reference to God or The creator? If so, then I wonder what/who the painter is?
I think, if the God reference was on purpose, I like it without the reference, as it speaks to the differences and sameness of creators of art. But the descriptions are very tactile, but with a God reference it makes the potter and clay so much less tactile and rather illusive.
That said, whichever way it is meant to be, it is pretty good and the last two lines very good.
Very well put. An idea well conveyed.
Incidentally, this is my 91st submission with three years as a Poemeranker user nearly here, Feb. 18. I haven't been around much lately because I've been too busy to write, much less read. Seems the Ranker isn't doing too well? A pity. This place has given me a lot...I might even send Nentwined some money...but probably not.
Could improve on this.
You had a nice idea conveyed in the beginning.. but it sort of gave way by the second half, kinda like it didn't hold together that strong.
Pretty good. Needs cleaning up.
Very good imagery here.
You too, sweet!
User Dovina replied to your Poemranker poem "Rockmage Rises".
Their comment was:
Oh good god! You're back zeroing everything at about fifteen seconds per poem, reading each one, of course. However shall I vote on this diatribe?
POOR Dovina! You ARE NOT a poet. I just see a messy bit of masturbation in all of your strung out words. Eye of the beholder and all that.
Very emphatic. A message well sent. A good write, Paul.
Sweet.
I like this, but it needs a little cleaning up and seems too repetitive, to me.
Describing the colors and hues works well, until line 4 where show turns to tell. Also âknowingâ detracts, at least for me, from the word-painting to match the real painting. And âsucculentâ seems to tell us too much about the answer. âprecision caresses skin/ Flesh scent intoxicates breezesâ â good.
Oh Dear